Life Reassessment
by castlefan6
Summary: Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly completely AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives. I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
1. Chapter 1

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly completely AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously Courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com**_

_**INT – NEW AMSTERDAM BANK AND TRUST**_

_**The bank is a mess. The dust hasn't settled as the SWAT team enters, BECKETT with them.**_

_**BECKETT  
Castle! Castle!**_

_**She's got her flashlight out, braced underneath her drawn gun. There's no one in sight.**_

_**BECKETT  
Castle!**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 1**

**Inside New Amsterdam Bank **

"Katherine, please hurry dear, Richards bleeding badly"

She hears her yell and heads in the direction it came from. All the hostages are safe in the safety deposit box room, sitting on the floor, all but Rick. He has a huge piece of shrapnel sticking from his neck, and a huge bump rising from his head as Martha is attempting to stop a flow of crimson from his neck, as he is sprawled out unconscious on his stomach.

The pregnant bank teller, Simone is weeping uncontrollably, "He shielded me, me and my baby."

(to the SWAT team) "They're here! Get me my bus, **NOW God Damn it, my partner is down,"  
**  
I'm so sorry Martha, let me get in there" as she lifted his head into her lap,

She slid over to cradle his head in her lap, allowing her leg to cushion his other side while she applied direct pressure around the wound as best she could.

Martha was doing well until she noticed the blood on her hands, the blood of her son, and then she began to weep. Kate had seen her go through many trials and setbacks in life, but nothing had ever brought the grand lady anywhere near tears.

"He must have known or felt something, right before the explosion, he pushed both me and the young lady flat on the ground, and covered us with his body, I don't know what hit him, we couldn't see anything and then when I called him, he didn't answer. I thought he was dead Katherine, he isn't, is he?"

"No Martha, he's hurt bad, but he's still alive."

The paramedics have made their way down to the vault area and begin to work on Rick, preparing him for a quick ride to Mercy Hospital, as soon as they could separate the piece of shrapnel from his neck from the framing of the Safe Deposit Boxes. The jaws of life were brought in and finally, they were carrying him out, followed closely by Kate and Martha. Alexis rushed to the stretcher as soon as she saw her father, "You told me he would be OK, you told me you would get him out, why is he the only one hurt?" she screamed at Kate as she pulled away when she reached out for her.

"Alexis Castle, your father protected me and the young lady with child, that's how he got injured, there's nothing Katherine could have done, even if she was right next to us, it happened too fast. Now apologize to her, this minute" Martha was steaming,

Alexis uttered a quick I'm sorry, as Kate climbed into the ambulance, "Martha we're going to Mercy hospital, Javi or Kevin will drive you and Alexis, we have to go, as she watched the paramedics eyes."

The door closed and they were off, Kate could tell by the speed they were traveling, things weren't good. She couldn't believe all the blood when she turned him over, she wanted to kick herself for not telling him before, "Rick, Babe, I hope you can hear me, I heard what you said, and I love you, I love you Richard Castle so you keep fighting, you hear, don't quit on me now, please" as her tears fell onto the sheet covering him.

"What's our ETA?" The EMT in the back yelled out as he watched the signals on the machines and monitors,

"4 minutes out, hang on trying to cut it if we can"

"I'd like it better if you could get us there sooner, Call ahead to the Trauma Nurse, ER,"

"Tell them to have blood setup as soon as we get to the bays, type O Positive, I'm fighting to keep him but we can't wait for them to bring it from CS (Central Supply), he's close to crashing" just as they pulled into the bays of Mercy Hospital ER. The first doctor on the scene had the blood that was quickly injected into the lines in Rick's arms. Kate was pushed aside, but she soon saw Martha and Alexis come up the walkway with Kevin and Javi.

An older lady with a look of authority approached them, and introduced herself,

"Hi, I'm Mrs. Pompeo, the Administrator for Mercy Hospital, if you'll follow me, I'll show you a private area where you may wait, given Mr. Castle's celebrity status. As soon as the doctors know something they will come and brief you, are you all family?"

"Yes, we are" Martha never hesitated, please be sure that Katherine is afforded family privileges, that's all I can release at this time, you know the gossip columns"

"Yes, all too well Mrs. Rogers, we will keep the relationship under wraps, it's their business to break all those bachelorette's hearts, she smiled, trying to lighten the deep load everyone was feeling. Please call me at this number if you need anything,"

"We will, thank you so very much, Sharon, may I call you that?" Martha asked reading the name tag.

"That would be great, thank you, so many times celebrities aren't as nice as everyone said Mr. Castle is, now I can see where he gets it from, please call me if I can help, I'll go check with the doctors, someone should be out to brief you soon."

Kate turned to Martha, and just hugged her, mumbling "Thank You so much, he means so much to me."

"Please Katherine, one of you are going to have to stop this dance, he loves you, and just looking at you, anyone could tell you love him as well. Life is too short, we could have all cashed out chips in today, so please stop wasting time, it's far too precious to waste a minute."

Kate blushed but didn't disagree with her. Alexis came up to her shyly,

"Kate, I'm sorry for what I said back there, I know you were responsible for getting Dad here alive, so thank you, we've missed you at the loft." She extended her hand, but easily fell into Kate's open arms and wept quietly.

"It's OK Lexi, I got you I know you didn't mean it, and really, I know how much you love your Dad, well I told him that he had to fight, for you, for your Grams and for me, I love him too."

Shortly after she had embraced the young lady, a Doctor walked in and quietly asked, "Castle Family?"

"That's us," Alexis jumped to be next to the doctor, "How's my Dad, when can we see him?"

"Hi, I'm Dr. Hernandez, you must be Alexis, all in good time, let me explain your Dad's condition, then I think you'll understand my answers better. Your Dad had lost somewhere between 30-35% of his blood supply and had gone into hemorrhagic, or hypovolemic shock, a condition where there's not enough blood to keep the remainder pumping to the organs that require the oxygen that it brings. Your Dad was fortunate to get here before he went into heart or renal failure, but we had to address the shrapnel in his neck.

Once again, a millimeter closer and it would have punctured the aorta artery, that I'm sorry to say would most likely to have been fatal. We were able to repair the damage to the outlying arteries, and restore normal blood flow. That's the good news, now the bad."

His demeanor changed completely to a very stoic and by the book doctor. We don't know what caused the bump on the head, but it caused a subdural hematoma or brain bleed, we tried to dissolve it, but we couldn't risk having the blood become too diaphanous and threatened the repairs on the arteries.

For now, your Dad is in a coma, we hope we dissolved the clot enough where the body will pass it, but there is a possibility that it could cause a stroke, or possibly worse. We are monitoring his signs and are standing by with treatment options should something drastic as that occur.

Just a warning, if you see a seizure or profuse sweating hit the call button immediately. Since he's in CCU, only two visitors at a time, but today, I'll make the exception. Please no longer than 15 minutes total, and please be aware, he may or not be able to hear your conversations so I encourage you to stay positive, it will only help. The nurse will come get you when they have him settled in,

Any questions? I can be reached at this number, call me day or night" as he handed each a card, and left three stunned women, to hold on to each other.

"Richard is tough Alexis, he made it to the hospital, he'll make it out, just to prove the odds wrong," Martha said softly,

Alexis tried to smile but her tears came flooding out, Kate took her into her arms, and whispered, "Let it out, baby, I got you. God knows that's what I want to do as well, he never heard me say it, I hope he knows that I love him, I can't make it without him" as her tears fell and mixed with Alexis's.

"Trust me, I know my son, he knows Katherine, he's known for a long time. Now you need to go and tell him, it doesn't matter, I'll bet he will hear your voice before anyone else so tell him now."

"Kate, he knows, he loves you so very much, many times I would catch him in his office, thinking and just typing away, he must have over 100 letters he's written to you but hasn't sent one, yet. He's never been this way, not as long as I can remember, so if it's not love I don't know what it is."

The nurse comes to the door, gently tapped and motioned for them to follow her. She took the back way up to his room, and there he was, bandaged around his neck, his head bump didn't appear to have gotten any bigger, but the machines, God the machines, all making different noises.

Alexis strode up to him, took his free hand and held it to her face, "Daddy, you have lots of people saying prayers for you, so you better get well, and soon. Kate's here Daddy, I was right, she loves you, you wouldn't believe how much, so get well for us Daddy."

Kate stood back as Martha stepped up and brushed the hair from his eyes, "Oh Richard, I'm so sorry for dragging you to that damn bank, what the hell where you thinking protecting me and that pregnant bank teller, she's fine by the way, just so happy and sad you got hurt at the same time. Alexis told you Katherine was here, so Alexis and I are going to give you two a few minutes, but we'll be back soon. I love you Son"

She turned and pulled Kate into a hug, and whispered, "tell him, darling, I'm sure it will speed up his waking,"

Kate turned and Martha had collected Alexis allowing her to say what she wanted,

"Rick, it's me, Kate, I'm sorry I couldn't get you out before you got hurt, but Babe, what were you thinking, I love you, I need you, please stop putting others before yourself, for me? I don't know what I would do without you, and I can see your smirk now, thinking yeah you told me so, but Babe, I do, I love you, get well for me sweetheart, I promise you it'll be worth it, Always" she kissed his forehead, then gently kissed his lips" she turned and walked out before she lost all the tears that had pooled in her eyes. Together the three ladies were shown back to the waiting room where Javi and Kevin were still waiting. She just shook her head and to tell them that she would talk later,

"Mrs. R, Kevin and I are going to drive you back to the Loft, we already brought Kate's car so she could follow us to your place. You three need to stay together, and Kate, Captain Gates said she would see you in a few days, call if you need more time." Javi said softly

"Thanks, Javi, tell Captain Gates I appreciate her support, as do all of the family, I'll call her in a day or so, depending on how things go here. Rick's in CCU, they repaired the artery, but he had lost so much blood he went into shock and then a coma. They can't take care of the brain bleed because it would compromise the repair on the artery, so they have done as much as they could, it's going to be touch and go for at least the next 72 hours. I'll do my best to keep you informed, but please tell Lanie, I love her, but this is all I can do to get it out once" as her tears start to fall again.

Kevin pulled her into a hug, "Hey Kate, it's Rick, the only way he's going out is if you shoot him so have faith, I lit a candle and Jenny and I are going to mass to say prayers, so you take care of yourself,"

Javi was next and just held her for a moment, and said, "what he said, except the candles, but you know he's tough Kate, keep thinking positive thoughts. Call us if you need anything. I'll talk to Lanie, she'll understand" and then he pulled away and they were gone.

Martha was the take-charge person, none of them wanted to leave but she realized that it wouldn't do any good to stay, besides Kate had her car and they could get back in less than 20 minutes if they needed to. All three women filed out, Alexis giving her Dad a kiss on the cheek, and whispering close to his ear,

"Love you Daddy, we all do, so wake up soon,"

Next Martha once again brushed the hair from his forehead and kissed him there, "Richard, please, keep fighting Son, I'll never forgive myself if you don't get better, we all love you"

Kate was last, she held his hand and gently kissed his lips, "Babe, please, I never said it before, but I won't stop saying I love you, just please wake up, I need you so much, We'll be back soon, and we all love you, Rick, I love you, bye Babe" as tears fell when she turned to walk away.

It was a quiet night back at the loft, Alexis choosing to go to her room, and Martha to her room. Kate stood looking into his office for the longest time, oh Rick, you are so loved, please come back to us she thought, as she slipped up the stairs to her room. She heard Alexis crying but didn't want to intrude. Less than ten minutes later, she felt Alexis lay down beside her, turn into her and sob as she held her. God if something happened to him, she knew she wouldn't be the only one to be devastated, he was his daughter's world, just like he was hers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly completely AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

_For now, your Dad is in a coma, we hope we dissolved the clot enough where the body will pass it, but there is a possibility that it could cause a stroke, or possibly worse. We are monitoring his signs and are standing by with treatment options should something drastic as that occur. _

_Just a warning, if you see a seizure or profuse sweating hit the call button immediately. Since he's in CCU, only two visitors at a time, but today, I'll make the exception. Please no longer than 15 minutes total, and please be aware, he may or not be able to hear your conversations so I encourage you to stay positive, it will only help. The nurse will come get you when they have him settled in, _

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 2**

**Castles Loft**

**4 days Later**

They had just returned from seeing Rick, still no change, well for the good anyway. He had suffered some seizures, two nights ago after they left, but quickly responded to the medication. The doctor tried to put a positive spin on them, saying at least it was proof of electrical activity going on in his brain. The bump had finally begun to dissipate, slowly, and repeated scans didn't show any additional bleeding. The hope now was that he would continue its slow reduction, without throwing a blood clot that could impact the heart, lungs or brain, or leave Rick in a very debilitated position after a major stroke, if he survived it.

Kate had brought clothes over for two weeks, no way was she going to be away from the family now, she just knew something was wrong, but she kept it to herself. Alexis was working hard to keep her school work up, and Martha wasn't saying much. Kate would often see her pick up and hold an object of Ricks, for a long time, holding it to her heart, she was strong on the outside but from appearances, the guilt of asking him to be there with her at the bank was weighing heavy on her.

"Martha, if you would like to talk to someone, I have a wonderful therapist who is very kind, even Rick liked him when he attended a session with me last year. I know you blame yourself, but really, you can't do that. Life just works out the way it's supposed to, so please know, I'm here for you, or if you'd like Dr. Burke's number just ask, OK?"

"That's very kind of you Katherine, I appreciate it. Our family has never been too keen on doctors who deal with the mind, not saying we didn't need them, Lord knows we need something, but growing up it was just difficult to talk about yourself, and your problems. Mother used to say, if you want problems, I'll drop you off down at the orphanage and you can see what real problems are, she never was the most nurturing soul, may she rest in peace.

I suppose I followed in her footsteps, I've failed Richard on many occasions, but he always forgives me, even before I say I'm sorry. He has such a soft heart; he has been taken advantage of so many times by those he thought were his friends. I think that's why he puts on the front he does, he's never been a playboy. Kyra broke his heart, Meredith, destroyed his confidence, and Gina, well that's his story to tell.

Have you ever noticed how many people he knows; I mean from all walks of life? He treats them all with the same respect, and I think is searching for the love from them that was missing first from his Father never being part of his life, then later in life as he was hurt so deeply."

Kate lowered her head, "I'm afraid I was one of those people Martha, I couldn't, make that wouldn't see past his act, but you're 100% correct. He is respected by everyone at the precinct, from the housekeeping staff of the building to the Police Commissioner, he's even getting Captain Gates to start to come along.

He never seeks credit or recognition but does so much for so many people. I remember when Boylan Plaza was bombed, he went out for food for us one day. I looked around for him and couldn't find him anywhere till I saw the roof door slightly ajar. He was almost in tears when he saw all the Go Fund me pages for some of the victims.

I know he paid for almost 7 funerals completely, but he had tears in his eyes, when he said, it's bad enough that families lose someone they love, but to have to rely on strangers to assist them in giving them a funeral, that's just so sad. That was really one of the best moments of our lives, we connected, I felt his pain and helped to take it away some I think, then what do I do, go right back to being me."

"Katherine, don't be so hard on yourself, you and Richard will work this out, just as soon as he gets well, you'll see"

Kate was lost in her thought of I really hope so when the landline rang and startled both her and Martha,

"Grams please pick up, it's the hospital about Dad," a frantic Alexis called from her room, fear very evident in her voice,

Kate thought, oh God no, not like this, not without her with him, he couldn't leave her, it wasn't fair.

She listened to Martha's conversation, OK, yes, I see, I agree, we can be there in about twenty minutes, OK we'll leave now, see you shortly, thanks for calling.

Alexis was already down the stairs, "I know you only heard Grams part Kate, but they think Dad's waking up, and thought it would be good if we were there when he did. Dr. Hernandez said all signs looked good, but he wanted us there to help cushion the shock of him being in the hospital, remember the last memory he had was in the bank with Grams"

Kate was in her room dressed and ready to leave in 5 minutes, of course, it took Martha longer as Alexis just rolled her eyes, when did she pick that up, oh my God, I have to watch what I say or do around her, she thought.

Xx

**Mercy Hospital**

**35 minutes Later**

Kate and Alexis were out of the car and headed to the front door when they realized that Martha wasn't with them, they turned, and she was fussing with her jacket. Alexis had enough,

"God Damn it, Grams, **ENOUGH**, we'll see you in Dad's room, we're already late because of you" she was spewing anger,

"I'm coming Alexis, I just wanted to look my best, *"

"Save it, Grams, right now Dad is more important than anything so screw your jacket, your makeup and everything else. Next time you take the car service or be ready when Kate and I are ready to leave."

Even Martha knew when to back off from Hurricane Alexis, she was right, but Kate would speak to her about Martha perhaps fighting her own set of fears, would Rick be angry with her, and a ton of guilt for what he had already gone through.

They finally reached the room where Dr. Hernandez told them to meet him, rang the buzzer and about 5 minutes later out came the Doctor in good spirits.

"He's not quite awake, and I don't want to set too high an expectation, he may not wake up for several more hours, perhaps even days, but all the signs are pointing to sooner than later."

"We understand Doctor, and thank you for allowing us to be here when he does, and for being so thoughtful, I never thought the last memory Rick had was of the explosion, that could terrify him as he awakes. We're all here for him," Kate spoke up, the most she had said since Rick had been hospitalized.

"Very well, let's get you back to him, shall we" as he headed off slowly waiting for the three ladies to follow him. "We moved him to the Step-Down Unit, the scans show only a trace of the blood remaining, not enough to clot or become a problem, in our judgment, BUT we still are watching for it",

They walked into a room that resembled an upscale hotel suite more than a hospital, that is till the machines came into view, half of them had been removed, but still the sound of the oxygen going as his chest rose and lowered in rhythm, Stroke Protocol in big letters over his bed, a tongue depressor wrapped in gauze and smelling salts all taped directly above his head, all reminders that Rick had gone through a lot, and still had miles to go on the road to recovery.

The room had two recliners, and a couch, even a Wi-Fi hot spot that they all had to smile, knowing Rick and his gaming communities, how they would love to hear him complain about someone cheating once more. At least he had some of the comforts at home.

"Dad, you have to wake up, there's a hot spot here in your room, and you can play your games all day without anyone telling you to get to work," Alexis smiled but tears were in her eyes. She sat on the end of the bed, just letting him know someone was with him.

"Richard, now enough is enough, if you wanted attention, you got it, the Bank Manager called and gave me the loan at prime rate, so time to wake up Son, mission accomplished," Martha, again brushed the hair from his eyes, he was going to get a haircut when they finished up at the bank, but well that's not how things turned out. She took one of his hands and placed in hers, and turned to the windows.

Kate pulled the chair as close to his bed as he would go, took his other hand, being careful of his IV line, and as now was he custom, leaned in closed her eyes and kissed his lips gently and slowly, then was startled, when she heard,

"Beckett, what are you doing, you want Gates to kick me out forever don't you." In the most beautiful voice in the world to the three ladies sitting near him.

"Rick/Dad/Richard" were all heard at once, and since Kate was the closest, she didn't hesitate to kiss him again, this time the way she had longed to for such a long time. She knew when, since they kissed in the alley to save the boys. He seemed shocked, but as he had in that night, began to return the kiss, before Kate collected herself and gently pulled back, never losing lock on his eyes. "I love you, Richard Castle, I'm sorry I haven't told you until now, but you scared the hell out of me. Babe, please when you're better please let's sit down and talk, OK?"

"OK Kate, I'm sorry, but I'm confused. Where am I and what happened, are we, I mean, I, do I love you Kate, I think I do, things are fuzzy right now." He kissed her gently and then realized they weren't alone.

"Pumpkin, why the waterworks, I'm here, I'm OK" his almost-adult daughter was his little girl once again with her head on her Dad's chest sobbing, as he comforted her.

Martha spoke up, "Richard, what was the last thing you remember?"

"I was someplace with you, not sure exactly where, but I know we were together because you were giving some manger hell about something, then I remember a bunch of doctors came in, were we here at the hospital Mother?"

"Richard, the doctors want us to let your memories come back to you as you heal, but we can tell you that it wasn't the hospital, but everything else you said is correct, Oh I wish I could tell you but they say they want them to come back as the brain heals."

"Brain heals? What the hell did you do Mother, get me beat up by yelling at that guy, I remember he had a key around his neck, he didn't look that tough so how did he cause my brain to get injured."

"Richard? Please don't be obtuse, I'm just trying to do what the Doctor has asked us to do"

"Dad, I'm with Grams on this one, let it come back, and it will look how much you remember already." Alexis hasn't left her Dad's chest, his hand gently rubbing her arm as he would kiss her head from time to time, Kate knew that was love, true love for Dad and Daughter.

"Kate, is what happened keeping you from telling me why you're kissing me, don't get me wrong, I love it, but the last I remember you said you wanted to shoot me, a far cry from being an us. No, no that wasn't the last time, that was when I left the precinct, but I called you from someplace and you told me my imagination was getting the best of me, or words to that effect, did that happen? Why ARE you kissing me Kate, I'm sorry but I'm confused?"

"Rick you remembered exactly right, and the reason you can't remember us, is there was no us, not until I thought I had lost you, and realized I loved you with all my heart and had for over a year. The kissing is new for us both, and I'm glad you like it, but I'll do what you need to get you well, even if that means to keep my kisses controlled, we'll have to talk to Dr. Hernandez."

"Well Right on time, that's my cue, Hi Mr. Castle, I'm Doctor Robert Hernandez, and I've been taking care of you since you came into our hospital."

"Hospital? This doesn't look like any hospital I've been to lately Doc, begging your pardon"

"That's fine Rick, may I call you that, Rick nods his head yes, let me ask you a few questions then maybe we can decide on what our next steps will be. Is that OK with you?"

"OK, how long do you think you've been with us, and I'll make it simple, one day, less than a week, more than a week?"

"Well judging from my appearance, I would guess it's longer than a day, but not more than a week. I would love to get a shower; I feel so icky"

"We'll get to that, but that's a good answer you've been here 5 days not counting the day you were admitted. Do you hurt anywhere, or remember anything about why you're here?"

"I must have nicked myself shaving, my neck hurts, like a cut and it's itching, and I remember a few times I woke for a few minutes but my head hurt so bad I kept my eyes closed, that's the worst headache I have ever had. I was with Mother someplace, she was yelling at the manager, then I think there was an explosion or something, my ears still ring, and now I'm here."

"Rick, that's great, actually, you didn't nick yourself shaving, you were rushed into this hospital after suffering a piece of shrapnel in your neck, cutting an artery, almost the Aorta, which if he had we wouldn't be talking here now, so you were lucky. You were with your Mother at a bank, some robbers*"

"They were dressed in doctor's scrubs, that's when I called Beckett and told her the bank was about to be robbed, and she thought I was crazy, but that's normal, she thinks that most of the time. The robbers all went by TV doctor names, and then we were rushed into a room. I saw a brief flash, and think I knocked mother and someone else down and covered them with my body. That's really all I remember of that, then I woke up here, with my mother, daughter, and Kate kissing me."

Doctor Hernandez nodded to Martha to pick up the conversation,

"Richard, the man you saw me arguing with was the manager of the New Amsterdam Bank, and we were robbed, like you say all dressed in doctor's scrubs, but when you knocked me and a pregnant bank teller down, you shielded us both, you had a huge piece of metal in your neck and a huge goose egg that just kept getting bigger.

Kate came through the doors right after the explosion, they think the robbers miscued and blew themselves up, and I screamed for her. She got the ambulance there, and she held your head and put pressure on your wound, you would have died if she hadn't. When we got here Kate was covered in blood, your blood and you were in surgery for 5 hours, but Dr. Hernandez pulled you through."

Kate was silently crying, tears falling from her eyes, as Rick looked out the window, perhaps contemplating just how close he had come to death. The room was quiet, creepy quiet, finally, Rick broke the silence,

"I guess that explains what I thought were dreams Doctor, I remember three times looking down on myself and I think it was you, you had a camouflage skull cap, and the rest of the surgical team had traditional head coverings on. I remember looking down and then seeing myself jump off the table, three different occasions. I heard voices to let go, and come with them, I thought I even saw Roy Montgomery talking to me from the shadow, then after I went into the air, I stopped dreaming"

Kate's tears were flowing without stopping now, Rick quietly handed her a box of tissues as he waited for the doctor to explain,

"Rick, I didn't tell your family, but you're correct, we lost you three times, and it took shocks to get you back, the last time, I almost called it, meaning pronouncing you dead till the slightest beat of your heart was felt in my hands. I'm sorry, I don't usually reveal or confirm instances like this but in your case, you were so precise with the detail, I thought you deserved to know. I was the surgeon with the odd head covering, it pays homage to servicemen and women, my brothers and sisters, who didn't make it home as I did.

"I understand, thanks for making the exception for me Doctor, I wouldn't be able to live not knowing for sure." He returned to staring out the window,

"Rick, I'd like to keep you here till you are healed, but I also want you to see a friend of mine and discuss the impact this event has had on you"

"You mean almost dying three times, four if you count the bank, yeah I can see why you would call it an event. I can tell you this, I saw my whole life in those few seconds, I need to think about what I saw, so thank you, I'm tired now and would like to spend some time with my family if I may."

"Of course, Rick, we'll talk later," somehow no one in the room believed it would happen, "We'll look to move you to another private room sometime tomorrow, Good night"


	3. Chapter 3

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly wholly AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

"_Kate, is what happened keeping you from telling me why you're kissing me, don't get me wrong, I love it, but the last I remember you said you wanted to shoot me, a far cry from being an us. No, no that wasn't the last time, that was when I left the precinct, but I called you from someplace and you told me my imagination was getting the best of me, or words to that effect, did that happen? Why ARE you kissing me, Kate, I'm sorry but I'm confused?"_

"_Rick you remembered exactly right, and the reason you can't remember us is there was no us, not until I thought I had lost you, and realized I loved you with all my heart and had for over a year. The kissing is new for us both, and I'm glad you like it, but I'll do what you need to get you well, even if that means to keep my kisses controlled, we'll have to talk to Dr. Hernandez."_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 3**

**Mercy Hospital**

**10 Days Later**

Rick had been transferred to the VIP Wing and suite, given his celebrity status, and had been progressing well with the physical injuries. The latest scan showed only some scar tissue where the huge hematoma had originally been. Alexis had been at the hospital every waking moment, afraid to let her Dad out of her sight, and Kate had burned up her personal days and returned to work, in fact, assigned to the case of the TV Doctors as it was named.

There had to be a motive why the robbery was staged in the first place since most of what had been taken was from one personal deposit box. It remained a mystery, someone had either rigged the explosives to go off early, or someone fucked up.

CSI was on scene along with the FBI and several other experts. Kate was working long hours, often coming to the hospital well after visiting hours, and just sitting holding Rick's hand as he slept. It upset him that she just didn't know when to walk away, and also that if she were sincere about him being number one, why did he get what time was left, not the time she should of and could have left the precinct?

Alexis had just left, after he had insisted for the fourth time, when a quiet knock came on his door,

"Enter if you're friend, there's no one here if you're foe" he quipped,

A pretty face he was familiar with smiled as she walked through the door,

"Friends, at least I want to be Rick, how are you?"

"Jordan, what are you doing in town, don't tell me, you got pulled into that TV Doctor case that Beckett spends every waking moment on" he said with his smile quickly fading,

"Guilty as charged, but you didn't answer the question, Rick, I hear you gave us a scare."

"I'm doing good, mostly, they tell me that the wound is healing and that other than some scar tissue the hematoma is gone, just have to be careful around strobe lights now, might trigger a seizure, how fun is that."

"Well, guess you have to put away your disco clothes Rick, but I have to tell you, you do look good. I didn't know what to expect from what I had heard. The next time you want to take on C4 explosive you may want to consider wearing some protective gear, more than your $500 sport coat," she kidded him

"Yeah, well being honest I wasn't trying to be a hero, I just saw Mother and Simone, she's the pregnant bank teller, I couldn't let them get hurt when I heard a slight swish just enough to react, thankfully they were both OK, so all's well that ends well."

"Well speaking of that, I have someone who would like to say something to you, sorry, it's only on video conference call, she's been a little busy," as she pressed a button and there was Simone, holding a newborn baby and a man next to her with his arm around her.

"Simone, this is Rick Castle, Rick, you've met Simone but I'll let her introduce the rest."

"Mr. Castle", he quickly interrupted her, Rick please, "OK Rick, I wanted to thank you for shielding me and Alicia Marie from harm, she was delivered a week later fully healthy thanks to you, this is my husband Rafael, "

"Rick, words can't express the thanks and feelings we have for you, I'm so very sorry you had to go through so much pain and suffering, but I thank God every day, you were there to protect my angels, both of them. Thank You" as tears streamed from the big man and Simone.

"Rafael, you let me know if you, Simone or little Alicia need anything, just call the number I am having sent to you and whatever you need, it's covered. Simone, I know you worked late into your pregnancy, I'm guessing because money is tight, and so is hospitalization, well you can quit, I got you covered, and when I get out of here I would love to have you all over for lunch, would that be OK?"

"Rick, you can't be serious, I mean, *"

"Paula Haas will be calling you, and as soon as I get out of here, I want to see you all, OK?"

"Thank you, Rick, this means more than you'll ever know," Jordan stepped in,

"Well I promised not to keep him up too long, so I'll be following up, Goodnight"

"Rick, why did you do that?" Jordan asked, as she found him staring out the window, almost like he was watching a movie,

"Well Jordan, I remember a time when a young author came home to New York with a total of $126 to his name, and that had shrunk to $1.78 by the time the first advance came from Black Pawn, so let's just say I know what it feels like, having a baby, wanting to give them everything and not knowing where your next meal was coming from. It's not a fun feeling.

I know I can take those worries away, and what the hell, it's only money, I have more than Alexis or her family can spend in a lifetime so why not share?" I mean I was blessed, by The Universe, a Supreme Being, God, or whatever you believe, but I believe I got a second chance at life not to keep doing what I've always done, but a chance to make a difference. Does that sound crazy?"

Jordan was quiet, as she looked him in his eyes, "Not at all Rick, you'll never know what your kindness means to so many people, some you barely know. It proves in a world full of so much evil, there is still good, and the good guys win, it might take a while but they will"

They were interrupted by a young volunteer bringing in Rick's supper tray, she was very obviously fascinated by him,

"Mr. Castle, the good news is you're on a regular diet, the bad news is, well it's still hospital food, I'm sorry can I bring you anything?"

Rick smiled and said, "some flavor for this meal but that's too much to ask, no I'm good sweetie, thank you." She blushed and left the room,

"One of your younger fans I see, eh Mr. Castle?" Jordan kidded him,

"Come on Jordy, she's the same age as my daughter if not younger, I haven't reached the stage of dirty old man yet?" he said as he took the tray, poured his coffee, and ate his buttered roll, the rest stayed covered.

"Rick, you can't survive on just that, you need to keep your strength up, so that's why I brought these" she pulled out two burgers from Remy's from her bag, as she looked around.

"Jordan if you weren't married already, I would propose, that's the sweetest thing you've ever done for me" he smiled,

She grew silent for a moment, until Rick picked up on it, "Jordan, you want to tell me about it or leave it to this writer's imagination. What's going on?"

"Really Rick, it's nothing, just some small stuff, at home, nothing for you to worry about", she got out before she saw him holding his burger, and staring at her,

"You want to try that again Agent Shaw, perhaps a little more convincing this time,"

"Really Rick, you have enough on your plate, you don't need to hear my problems,"

"Jordan, don't make me call around, you know I know a guy, lots of guys, if one doesn't know, he knows one who does, so level what's going on?"

Tears form in her eyes, "Tom and I are separated, and he wants custody of Brittany, sole custody stating my travel schedule and he can work from home. Rick if I lose my daughter, I don't know what I would do. I really never thought it would come to this"

"Ok, back up, when did it start, and tell me the story, remember you're talking to a two-time loser so nothing will surprise me", as he took her hands in his and pulled her onto the bed to sit.

"Rick, you're not the loser, they are, both of them, I know why, I can read public records. To answer your question, I was traveling quite a bit about 6 months ago, and I guess Tom found himself a play toy, younger, firmer, and wanting sex when he did, something I haven't for quite a while.

I was home and making lunch, his phone was vibrating off the counter and I caught it before it fell on the floor, and I saw the texts, it was awful. The confrontation was worse, he came in and accused me of investigating him, and it got ugly. For now, I'm living in New York in a cheap apartment, till we figure this out, or go through with the divorce."

"Jordan, get your things and go to the Loft, we have plenty of room, and there's no need for you being alone, especially now, not to be nosey but you haven't, eh I mean"

"You mean have I fucked someone else yet Rick? No, not yet, but I have to tell you the thought has crossed my mind."

"That's it," Rick pulled his cellphone out, called a number, and then turned back to Jordan. "You're being picked up by my driver, who will take you to your current apartment, then stand by till you grab your things and then he'll drive you to my loft"

"Rick, what if I won't go? What's a driver going to do, I mean I'm a trained agent"

"So is he, and his sister Maria is even worse, so I would recommend you do as you're told or they WILL take you by force"

"Rick, what about Kate, what's she going to think about this?"

"What about it? I'm helping a friend? I don't think she's jealous, I'm still trying to figure out how we went from I'll shoot you to I love you, I still have a lot of thinking to do about that. I mean I care for her, but I'm not sure about love, well not anymore. I remember a lot more than she may think I do, and I'm not sure I am ready to go that far, somethings you just can't kiss away, so that's why I asked you what I did, DON'T do it, Jordy, two wrongs never make a right."

Jordan's tears fall, as Rick pulled her in for a hug. "Don't cry, things will work out, and being at the Loft will be a lot better than being alone, once I get out of here maybe we can build theory, Beckett too if she wants."

A knock on the door, and in walks Gene and his sister Maria, both trained bodyguards, "Are you ready to leave Miss Jordan" Gene asked politely.

"Almost, can you give me one minute, and please it's Jordan, not Miss, OK?"

"Yes Mam, we'll be right outside, as they leave but the shadows show they are right in the hall outside the door.

"Rick, I didn't come here for this but look if Kate gets upset, or there's a problem just say so an I'll be out of there, I don't want to cause you any more pain, deal?"

"Deal, now go Jordan, Alexis is keeping the pizza hot for you."

She leaned in and kissed his cheek, "What am I going to do with you?" she said then looked into his eyes and kissed his lips ever so quickly and softly, then she was gone.

Rick demolished his burgers and then decided to try writing for a bit, he fell asleep with the laptop on his lap, that's how Kate found him two hours later. She walked into his room, looked at him sleeping then smelled a familiar smell, actually two smells. One was the definite smell of Remy's with proof of the wrappers in the garbage. The other was the perfume that was worn by only one person she knew, Jordan Shaw, Special Agent Shaw to be exact.

What the hell would she be doing here, she was working the same case from the Fed angle, and as usual, not a lot of sharing went on between the two agencies. Sharing, it hit her like a brick, what the hell, she waited too long for Richard Castle and she wasn't about to share him with anyone, especially an attractive Fed. They needed to talk, the only problem was she had to work for the next three days, unless she spent the night with Rick, and talked when he awoke.

It wasn't her best plan, but damn it, she wasn't moving over for anyone, not unless Rick told her to take a hike. She already told him she loved him, what more could he want?


	4. Chapter 4

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly completely AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

"_**Jordan, don't make me call around, you know I know a guy, lots of guys, if one doesn't know, he knows one who does, so level what's going on?"**_

_**Tears form in her eyes, "Tom and I are separated, and he wants custody of Brittany, sole custody stating my travel schedule and he can work from home. Rick if I lose my daughter, I don't know what I would do. I really never thought it would come to this"**_

"_**Ok, back up, when did it start, and tell me the story, remember you're talking to a two-time loser so nothing will surprise me", as he took her hands in his and pulled her onto the bed to sit.**_

"_**Rick, you're not the loser, they are, both of them, I know why, I can read public records. To answer your question, I was traveling quite a bit about 6 months ago, and I guess Tom found himself a play toy, younger, firmer, and wanting sex when he did, something I haven't for quite a while. **_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 4**

**Mercy Hospital**

**3 hours Later**

Rick woke, feeling as if something was pressing against him. He opened one eye, then the other to see Kate Beckett, holding his hand, her head down on the corner of his pillow, softly asleep. She looked cute, as her little nose curled ever so slightly as she inhaled and exhaled almost to a rhythm of a song. He gently slid out of bed careful not to disturb her, after freeing his hand and visited the bathroom. As he returned, he heard a nurse talking loudly as if everyone in the world had to be awake at 4:35 AM just because she did, then he saw his light go on, and heard her say,

"Who are you, and what are you doing here?" Beckett sprung awake, and the nurse didn't know what was about to hit her. Kate was NOT a morning person, to say the least, it was worse if she hadn't had her influx of caffeine, no one dared to speak to her at the precinct.

"Look Big Mouth, I'm Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD on special assignment to protect this patient against a potential threat, that's all you need to know, did you read the chart, or do you need someone to read it to you?"

The nurse reeled back, obviously not accustomed to being talked to in the manner she had just been dressed down. While she was quickly reviewing the chart, Rick made his way back to the bed and climbed in, Beckett was standing a foot away from the nurse, almost like a Mixed Martial Arts fight about to go down.

"I beg your pardon Detective, I see the note, you are allowed 24-hour access at your discretion, I'm very sorry," she said in as sympathetic tone as one could muster after having someone jump on them as Kate had just done.

"Very Well, another thing you need to tone your voice down, you're in a ward where patients are trying to sleep, frankly no one gives a shit about who you think is screwing to get ahead, especially Mr. Castle." as she turned to see Rick lying in his bed with a smile on his face.

"Good Morning Kate, how's your morning going" he laughed.

"Peachy, just peachy" she's staring at the big mouth nurse who is trying to get his vital signs and get the hell out of there. She says as the nurse is trying once again to get his blood pressure, "Rick, I'm going to get a cup of coffee I'll be right back, I have to leave to get ready for work but I would like to talk to you a little while if you're up to it?"

"I'll be here, at least a few more days, so let's talk" he replied, but it wasn't like the old Rick, excited, anticipating, it was more like I have nothing else to do so might as well talk. Maybe she was reading too much into it, damn she needs coffee, she can't think let alone function till she's had her first cup. One advantage of being in the VIP wing, coffee was always ready, and fresh, so she was back in less than five minutes and took her normal seat next to his bed.

"So, anything interesting happen yesterday Rick, what are the doctors saying?" she decided to start it off innocently then lead into the Remy wrappers and the scent of Jordan on his pillowcase.

"Well, hopefully I'll get released to light duty in two days, the brain scans are coming back clean, now I just have to talk to the shrink, to make sure I have no long-lasting memories. Why don't you just ask me what you wanted to Kate, haven't we beat around the bush enough, I thought we said no more of that. I know you've been here every night, some nights far later than you should be, Kate what is it?"

"OK, I'm scared Rick, I'm frightened to death that I'll wake up and you'll be gone really gone, and all those times I treated you so badly, even when I loved you, my love won't be enough to keep you," she looks deep into his eyes, and what she sees does nothing to relieve those fears.

"Kate, I thought we agreed we would talk about this, the past, the new US, that suddenly popped up once I got home. I'm going through a lot of memories and thoughts of my life. When I said I saw my life play in front of me, and I wasn't happy with what I saw, as they were bringing me back, I was serious. Part of the reason I agreed to talk to the Psychologist, was to try to understand what happened, and now what do I do with the new lease on life. I know it can't go back to business as usual, I know there's some reason, some calling that need's help, I just don't know what yet."

"You're right Rick, I'm sorry, I shouldn't be pushing you, I didn't mean to?"

"So, what is it that made you camp out on a hard chair, what's bugging you so much?"

She looked like a kid who just had got caught with both hands in the cookie jar, then opened, "OK, you probably already know, I walked in last night, I was just going to sit with you for a little while, then kiss you goodnight and leave, but I saw the evidence"

"Evidence? What are you talking about Kate?

"The smells, I knew Remy's burgers, I smelled the wrappers from your trash, then I smelled her perfume on your pillow, Rick, was Jordon Shaw here last night?"

"Well, that's the evidence that got you to stay long enough to talk for the first time in 8 days? Yes, Jordan was here, she brought me the burgers and we talked a little. I guess she's working the Fed angle on the TV Doctor case, so she stopped to see how I was doing. She hugged me, and that's where her perfume probably transferred from her to me to the pillow. Where did you think it came from?"

Kate could tell that Rick wasn't happy with her jealous thoughts, "I'm sorry Rick, I just got jealous, I know we have a lot to work out before we can be a real couple, but I'm scared that you don't feel the same as you used to." Her eyes watch his face, he couldn't lie to her, and the face told her what his words couldn't

"Oh my God, you don't do you, you don't love me like you used to." As her tears came flowing,

"Kate, I told you, I have a lot of things to work out, but when I think of us, I remember it all, and if you think about it, there were times that things weren't good between us. You with Sorensen, Deming, and Josh, to name a few, but I have to do more thinking about what is best not only for me but if there is an us. I'm sorry but I woke to your kissing me, it confused the hell out of me when you had just threatened to shoot me the day before."

Kate is fighting hard to compose herself, as Rick continued,

"You tell me I'm your everything, and I know you really meant it at the time, but you went back to work, and now I get what's left Kate, not what you promised. I mean there has to be some balance, you can't get sucked back into those 18-hour days, sleeping on the couch at the precinct, what do I do Kate?"

"I guess we have more to work on than I thought, you're right Rick, I haven't been fair. That stops today I promise you."

"Well, we have a house guest at the loft for a while and don't read anything into this. Jordan is separated from her husband Tom, the facts are their business but she was staying alone at a cheap apartment, and no one needs to go through those issues alone."

"Jordan is staying with your family at the Loft Rick? Since when? "

"Since about 6 hours ago, as I said don't read anything into this Kate, it's the right thing to do. She knows about us and didn't want you to be uncomfortable so there's nothing going on but a friend helping out a friend like we tried to open our home to you when you needed help."

Kate couldn't argue that Rick and his family had gone out of their way to make her feel at home, she had wasted that opportunity to really get to know Rick as the man, not the writer, or playboy he had been portrayed as.

"I have to go home Rick, I still need to get ready for work, I'll see you tonight, I promise" she kissed his lips, his kiss back was warm, but not the way it should be, she had somethings to work on for sure.

"OK, if you get bored you could always call you know"

Then it hit her, she hadn't put him first, not at all, she barely talked to him during the day, well that stops today she thought. She didn't like Jordan staying at the Loft, but what could she do, it was Rick's decision, and really none of her business.

Xx

**Castle's Loft**

**5 Hours Earlier**

Jordan had been to Rick's home only once, and that had been a few years ago, she had forgotten what it even looked like until Gene and Maria had pulled into the back entrance, and made a call to Eduardo as they were exiting the car. As soon as she stepped off the elevator for Rick's floor, hell his loft was the entire floor, she was greeted by Alexis and Martha, with warm hugs and big smiles.

Her luggage was placed neatly in the large guest suite, and then the brother-sister duo, part driver, part bodyguard made a quiet exit. A simple text message was sent to Rick, "Package Delivered" and a thumbs-up sign. Rick responded with just the thumbs up emoji, and turned back to his burgers, thanking the heavens above he finally had something to eat that didn't taste like recycled cardboard or Jell-O. He could live the remainder of his days without ever being subjected to the red or green squeakily mass of gelatinized water with more color than flavor

"Jordan, Daddy called and said you would be with us until things get worked out, welcome. I'll show you the basics but the rule is here, if you see it, want it, then it's yours. If you eat the last of something just jot it down on the board on the fridge so the housekeeper can reorder it."

"Thanks, Alexis, that is very kind of you, I told your Dad it wasn't necessary, but it will be nice to have something other than a TV and walls to talk to."

"Yeah Dad said you are working the same case that Detective Beckett is but from the Federal angle, why you guys don't share notes is beyond me, never mind, I'm just thinking out loud, I'm just a kid."

"No, you are not just a kid Alexis, and you raise a valid point, I'll explain how it works from levels higher than me, I just follow orders, and when they say keep it confidential, if you value your job, that's what you do."

"That makes sense Jordan, I wasn't trying to criticize, I'm sure the leaders have their reasons, who would have thought that corruption could have been so close to home with the late Captain, so I get it"

"Jordan, may I call you that?" Martha asked

"I respond to a lot of titles Martha, Jordan or Jordy either one is good" she smiled

"Well, I was just about to have a glass of wine, would you care to join me? Alexis has some more homework to do, and I would appreciate the company"

"That would be great, can you give me ten minutes to hang some clothes up before they get more wrinkled than they already are."

"Of course, darling, just come down when you are ready" she smiled as she headed to the wine bottle, not waiting for Jordan, she could catch up when she came back.

A few minutes later, well two glasses later for Martha, Jordan appeared at the bottom of the steps.

"Darling, please pour yourself a glass and join me on the sofa," Martha greeted her

Jordan complied and knew she was in for some questioning from the Grande Dame of the Castle household.

"So, Jordan, what's going on, I know you don't normally stay more than three, perhaps 4 nights and never a weekend away from your home in Chicago, is there something wrong?"

Jordon thought for a moment but realized she had no clue of how long the separation or the final outcome would be, so she needed to be honest.

Over the next two hours, Jordan poured her heart out to Martha, who was surprisingly quiet, and very sympathetic.

"Martha, I told Rick, if I lose my daughter, I don't know what I will do" she cried

"Well kiddo, I haven't asked but I will now, is there someone else for you, perhaps someone closer than your husband would like him to be?"

"If you're asking me if I slept with another man, the answer is no, and yes, I work with mostly men, but I couldn't wait to get home to the one man who made my heart beat fast, even after 11 years, so no Martha, no one else"

"Where does my son fit into all of this Jordan, I'm being both frank and rude, since it's none of my business, but he's changed since the bombing, I can't put my finger on it, but Alexis said he grew up, and now takes life seriously."

"Well Martha, Rick is handsome, kind, gentle, rich, and a hell of a catch, if I were looking which I am not, and I really don't think he ever thought of me in that way. Kate loves him, now that she finally admitted it, he's struggling to come to grips with how she did such an about-face.

He has a session with a physiologist for the next few days, then if all is well, he will get to come home to complete his recuperation. He asked me the same thing you did, and then told me not to do it, two wrongs don't make a right, so I'm sure we'll talk more, but he was getting sleepy and I left.

I agree though, he was much more philosophical than I have ever seen him. He actually gifted Simone the Bank Teller, a huge sum of money allowing her to quit and stay home with her new daughter, he's always been generous, but this was way over the top, even for Rick."

"I thought I was the only one who saw the change, I mean he was head over heels for Beckett before this happened, and now, he's almost like, I need to sort things out before we really become a couple" Martha shared,

"I just hope me being here won't cause any hardships," Jordan said quietly

"My dear, my son has always done what he thought was right, I don't see that changing, and to be honest, there really wasn't anything formal between them before, and since the explosion, it's been recovery time for Richard, I hope Kate realizes that one kiss won't wipe out all of the past hurts, we'll have to see."


	5. Chapter 5

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly wholly AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

"_**Well, that's the evidence that got you to stay long enough to talk for the first time in 8 days? Yes, Jordan was here, she brought me the burgers and we talked a little. I guess she's working the Fed angle on the TV Doctor case, so she stopped to see how I was doing. She hugged me, and that's where her perfume probably transferred from her to me to the pillow. Where did you think it came from?"**_

_**Kate could tell that Rick wasn't happy with her jealous thoughts, "I'm sorry Rick, I just got jealous, I know we have a lot to work out before we can be a real couple, but I'm scared that you don't feel the same as you used to." Her eyes watch his face, he couldn't lie to her, and the face told her what his words couldn't**_

"_**Oh my God, you don't do you, you don't love me like you used to." As her tears came flowing,**_

"_**Kate, I told you, I have a lot of things to work out, but when I think of us, I remember it all, and if you think about it, there were times that things weren't good between us. You with Sorensen, Deming, and Josh, to name a few, but I have to do more thinking about what is best not only for me but if there is an us. I'm sorry but I woke to your kissing me, confused the hell out of me when you had just threatened to shoot me the day before."**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 5**

**12****th**** Precinct**

**NYPD 4 hours later**

Kate had struggled to keep her composure, she knew the things Rick has said were true and weren't said to hurt her, but they did, probably because there were factual. She got out of his room with another promise to put him first, to prove to him that she loved him more than anything, the job, the case of her Mom's, anything. She had made enough promises, now Rick was calling her on it, and she had failed the first week back, she hadn't realized that it had been 8 days since she had actually talked to Rick, sure she got there, she held his hand, but was that for him or her? He only knew of her visits from the nurses, she hadn't called him during her days, and she knew one day seemed like a week-long when you were in the hospital.

She had made it home showered and changed and now she was standing in front of the murder board when she saw Jordan come in, and take up her position in the large conference room the Feds had claimed. It was a tough commute to work, trying to think about Rick, and what she had to do to prove to him she truly did love him, his words had stung. He remembered it all, Sorenson, Deming, God Deming why the hell did she even try to make him jealous, then the famous heart doctor, Josh. She had rubbed then all in his face from time to time, and now she was on the other end trying to explain her actions away.

Jordan was a beautiful lady, confident, not cocky but a damn good law enforcement agent and she was friendly and consistent. Consistent, something she had not come close to being, it was no wonder why Rick wondered how the hell did she make the leap from him being her tag along with pest to being her everything, she wouldn't have believed it either. She continued to stare partly at the murder board, partly lost in her thoughts of Rick and them building theory together, God she missed him so much. She finally turned when she heard her name,

"Kate, I think we need to talk in private for a few minutes, do you have time?" Jordan asked

"Sure Jordan, where do you want to talk at, I mean you have the conference room,"

"I know, the rest of the crew won't be in for at least another half hour, so can we go there?" she turned not waiting for Kate's answer as she walked to her temporary workspace.

Kate made her way over to the conference room, wondering why did she feel like the visiting team on her own home field, Jordan had a way of making herself appear larger than she was, with her confidence. She swallowed deep, knowing the conversation was not about this case, or any case, rather it was about her living with her boyfriend and his family.

She walked in and as she shut the door, Jordan started talking, not wasting any time.

"Kate, you may know this, but in case you don't, even if you do, I think you deserve to hear this from me. I stopped by and saw Rick last night. I took him some burgers from Remy's after checking with the dietician, and we got a chance to talk for a bit. Well, some personal information came out, I don't really want to talk about it, but the result was that Rick sent his drivers to pick me up and retrieve my belongings from the extended stay apartment I was staying at and return to the loft.

I know you had professed your love for him, and in your eyes, you are a couple, so I don't want you to think I am doing anything behind your back, nor do I have any interest in Rick other than as a very good friend. We talked, and to be honest I needed it very badly. He insisted I live in the loft till things are resolved and I have a plan going forward, how long that will be, I don't know Kate but I promise you I am not going after Rick, nor am I trying to solicit his attention from you. I wanted you to hear it from me." She turned a bit red as she looked for the first time in Kate's eyes.

"Jordan, thanks for telling me, I figured it out last night, when I went to see him it was very late, but the smell of Remy burgers would be known anywhere. As I leaned down to kiss him, I smelled your perfume on the pillowcase, well, I was jealous, and I sat in the chair holding his hand kissing him as I usually do, but I guess I fell asleep. We were awakened by a loud nurse and we talked a bit before I had to get ready to come into work. Thanks for letting me know, but he told me last night, well just that a friend needed help and he had opened his home to you.

I know he doesn't give a damn how I feel about it since as you say, we are a couple in my eyes, he's still trying to figure out what the hell happened, how did he go from the pest to the love of my life. He went into the bank as the pest, he woke up to me kissing him telling him I loved him, I guess I need to go back and make some amends, we've been through so much together, I thought he knew.

I mean he stuck with me after my shooting, and my three month absence, even though I promised to call, he forced himself on me, thankfully to help out capturing Mike Royce's killer, I mean we've been through so much, I just thought he would know I love him, I made the mistake of not telling him, and now he doesn't anymore. He's changed, completely, after the bombing and his survival."

"That's not unusual Kate, he told me that he had a lot of thinking to do, he said his entire life passed in front of him, three times, something about the doctors losing him, and almost calling it, I think his words were I didn't get another chance to keep doing things the way I've always done. I need to really think, who belongs in my life, who doesn't and where or how can I give back. He doesn't sound like that 9-year-old on a sugar rush or as I think you said, someone with the attention of a cocker spaniel."

Kate's face blushed if Jordan remembered she knew that Rick had for sure, and what was that, who belongs in his life, what the hell was that?

"I think you need to make him a priority Kate, he's done settling for what he can get, just my personal observation from profiling people for a long time"

"Yeah, yes, you're right, well thanks again for telling me Jordan. Enjoy your stay, the Castles are wonderful people, every one of them, so don't worry about me, I think I need to fix enough of my own actions rather than worry about what's going on with others in his life."

Xx

Rick was anxious, he had been in the hospital for almost three weeks, with countless scans, tests, and he had enough needle marks from blood draws he could pass as a junkie coming out of a heroin convention. Today was near the end, he had agreed to speak to the physiologist to get some help in understanding why his entire outlook on life had changed. He knew just how much he had loved Kate Beckett, life before the explosion this would have been the answer to his dreams, now, it was just confusing, how did the leap occur, what happened in his life, in her?

More questions than answers so he thought why not give the shrink a shot, what did he have to lose. His thoughts were interrupted by a courteous knock on his door, and then a beautiful young lady entered with her white coat and assistants entered.

"Mr. Castle?"

"Yes, but please call me Rick, Mr. Castle makes me feel even older than I am" he smiled,

"Very well, she smiled, Rick, I'm Doctor Ava Gupta, and before you say anything, yes Ava is my real first name, you can thank my mother's love for Turner Classic Movies for that she smiled even wider.

She turned to her assistants and dismissed them, "I think you can proceed with rounds; Rick and I need to talk and as you will learn in your careers, Patient-Doctor confidence is huge, especially in the field we work in."

"I'm sorry about that Rick, but this is a teaching hospital, I am required to allow them to accompany me, but I'm not required to allow them access to our discussions. How have you been feeling, I reviewed your records, you were very brave and paid a high price for it, we're glad you pulled through" her tone was sincere, and Rick liked her, and her style immediately.

"I'm glad I pulled through as well Doctor, but it wasn't bravery, it was just instinct that made me try to cover my mother and the bank teller," Rick said quietly,

"Perhaps Rick, perhaps, but we'll talk a bit then we can share what you think and I can share some of the typical shrink talk that allows me to bill you some ridiculous amount, how does that sound"

Rick laughed, perhaps one of the sincere laughs he had since the incident.

"I like that Doctor, sounds good"

"Well are you more comfortable with calling me Ava, or Doctor, I mean we are going to be talking about topics friends do, so I would like to be your friendly shrink," she laughed

"You're different Ava, most doctors are so full of themselves, never getting down to the patient level, thanks for that, so yes Ava is comfortable with me"

"Great Rick, I've reviewed the case, and I just want to summarize how I interpret the results, please correct anything that's incorrect, I see that you experienced an NDE, or near-death experience, not once but three times as verified by the surgeon who removed the shrapnel in your neck. I know many people try to label something that you experienced into little compartments, heaven, hell, the afterlife, but I don't want to focus on that.

We all have our beliefs and I don't think I should be injecting anything into your personal beliefs. What I would like to do is examine the changes in today's version of Rick, as opposed to the Rick that existed before the NDE. Does this approach sound like the right process for you Rick?"

"Yes, it does, I didn't know I would get a choice, but it makes me feel more confident now that I have a friend, rather than a clinical technician and I have a voice in how my treatment should go"

"Great Rick, you know I can only help you or anyone who is willing to work with me truthfully and open some painful windows, not all sessions will be happy ones, but hopefully they will be productive and move you towards a total understanding of what has transpired, internally as well as externally"

"Ava, will I need to stay here in the hospital for these extended sessions?"

"Of course not, as you said I'm your friend, who would subject a friend to this food," as she laughed, and she could see Rick ease into a relaxed state and that smile was so bright.

"Before we start Rick, is there anything, in particular, you would like to address?"

Rick thought, at first, he wasn't going to mention Kate, but he thought about the statement Ava had made about being truthful. He explained the arrangement, the length of time, Kate's three loves, his reactions, including his flings with Jacinda, and Ellie Monroe, he was truthful. When he mentioned the three months of being apart, Ava picked up on something he wasn't revealing.

"Well Rick, that was quite the story, but remember you need to tell me everything if I can help you, you held back something about the time of Katherine's shooting and her return, more than just she had a boyfriend who was a surgeon."

Rick lowered his head, "You're right, when Kate was dying on the grass, I told her I loved her, I begged her to stay, to stay for me. When I saw her in the hospital several days later, she claimed to not remember anything, I knew she was lying, I thought it was because she didn't love me, but then when I awoke from the coma, she was all over me expressing her love, it was very confusing."

"Thank You, Rick, that could be perhaps the linchpin to how or why your feelings changed. I would like to explain the condition NDE, some conditions may apply some won't but take comfort that nearly 97% of patients who experienced what you did do have feelings such as these, meaning you're not a freak, and you're not alone. Millions of people throughout the world are asking similar questions and we will get you answers, OK?"

Rick smiled, "sounds like a plan Ava, I appreciate the no-nonsense approach, and also that you called me on something I left out. Please do that, if you think it's necessary, some of the memories I have buried, and may not readily recall them" he glanced over to her, to see her eyes roll, "OK, I'll rephrase that, if I don't give you complete enough answers please call me on it" this earned a smile from Ava

"Very well, so this is an overview of NDE, clinically, speaking;

"The event you experienced is so profound that it often does alter your life. Perhaps the most common after-effect of an NDE is the loss of the fear of death and a strengthened belief in the afterlife. There is typically a new awareness of meaning and purpose in experiencers' lives. A new sense of self with increased self-esteem is felt and governs the new person's activities and decisions.

Studies show Rick that it's common to also show a marked change in your attitude, not only toward your own life but toward the lives of others as well. Patients tend to be more open, caring, and loving. However, they may also reexamine their existing relationships, which I believe at this point is what you are struggling with Rick. This examination can lead to ending some relationships that are now not compatible with their new beliefs and attitudes. The experiencer, you, and many family members are often confused by this "new person" and adjustment problems do arise. Families can have a difficult time adjusting to the new normal. It's not a surprise that you are questioning your relationships, Divorce is fairly common in couples where one partner has experienced an NDE.

Another common side effect is that sometimes Rick you can become highly intuitive and often experience an increase in perceived psychic experiences including telepathy (knowing what someone is thinking and feeling) and precognition (knowing when something is going to happen before it does.). This is frightening to many, but that's where I come in Rick, call me day or night and we can walk through anything you are experiencing, OK?"

Rick was fascinated with how accurately Ava had pegged his feelings, and so relieved that he wasn't a freak, that many felt the same way, perhaps for the first time since his injury he was actually feeling more like himself, just a new improved version.

"Thank You, Ava, that clears a lot up, and made me feel so much better, so where do we go from here?"

"Well Rick, I think you go home and continue to build your strength up with the therapies that have been prescribed, and I go to lunch," she laughed.

Rick smiled, and when Ava extended her hand to shake, he pulled her into a gentle hug, "I'm sorry I hope I didn't embarrass you but you've opened up a whole new thought process for me, and took away the fear that I was a freak, I can't thank you enough"

It was Rick who was surprised when she tiptoed up and kissed his cheek briefly, "You're welcome Rick, I'll see you next week in my office, my assistant will call to set up the appointment, but please call me day or night if you need me"

Rick was dressed and waiting for the car service to pick him up, after getting the all-clear, he was going home finally. What made it even better, he was going home a new man and was working on how to handle the changes that were sure to come in his life, Ava was now his lifeline.


	6. Chapter 6

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly wholly AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

"_**Very well, so this is an overview of NDE, clinically, speaking;**_

"_**The event you experienced is so profound that it often does alter your life. Perhaps the most common after-effect of an NDE is the loss of the fear of death and a strengthened belief in the afterlife. There is typically a new awareness of meaning and purpose in experiencers' lives. A new sense of self with increased self-esteem is felt and governs the new person's activities and decisions.**_

_**Studies show Rick that it's common to also show a marked change in their attitude, not only toward their own life but toward the lives of others as well. They tend to be more open, caring, and loving. However, they may also reexamine their existing relationships, which I believe at this point is what you are struggling with Rick. This examination can lead to ending some relationships that are now not compatible with their new beliefs and attitudes. The experiencer, you, and many family members are often confused by this "new person" and adjustment problems do arise. Families can have a difficult time adjusting to the new normal. It's not a surprise that you are questioning your relationships, Divorce is fairly common in couples where one partner has experienced an NDE.**_

_**Another common side effect is that sometimes Rick you can become highly intuitive and often experience an increase in perceived psychic experiences including telepathy (knowing what someone is thinking and feeling) and precognition (knowing when something is going to happen before it does.). This is frightening to many, but that's where I come in Rick, call me day or night and we can walk through anything you are experiencing, OK?"**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**A/N Just to comment on some guests, as well as named reviews. What you think is unprofessional, is your opinion, we all have them, this was mine. To those saying why not this, or why not that, one simple word, BECAUSE, that's the way I wrote it. As for KB having an NDE, this story isn't about her time after her shooting, it's an AU version that started with the Canon episode. Thanks for the reads and reviews.**

**Chapter 6**

**Mercy Hospital**

**1 Hour Later**

Rick hadn't thought things out completely, it was difficult to step out of the hospital with pajamas and hospital gowns, he remembered his clothes were destroyed either by the bombing, or when the ER doctors cut the remaining shreds from him as they began their near-impossible task to save his life. He called his favorite clothing store and had Alease send over a completely new wardrobe, with the slacks one size smaller in the waist, he had lost weight and didn't want his pants baggy.

His driver had made the pickup, and when he arrived Rick was dressed and ready to leave in less than 5 minutes, BUT he had to wait for the damn discharge papers. He finally was released what seemed a lifetime later, in reality, it was only 10 minutes, and they were finally on their way home, what a sweet word, home.

He decided to surprise the ladies, he knew they weren't coming down till later that evening, and it was now just about 2:30 PM, he could hear the chit chat and laughter, a great sign as he fumbled for his key fob, good thing he had an app for it, since the hard fob had been sent home with his valuables the night of surgery. He held his phone to the lock, and Damn, he heard the tumbler click, and the door was now open.

He stepped inside and just stopped, closing the door softly behind him, he listened to the beautiful sounds of laughter from Alexis, and Jordy kidding her back, and he was almost lost when Alexis looked up and saw him standing there, **"DADDY" **she screamed loud enough for the entire block to hear**, **as she rushed to him hugging him and kissing his cheek, "Why didn't you call us, we could have picked you up?"

"I know Pumpkin, but I had to get some clothes anyway, I lost some weight and I really wasn't sure I was going to get to come home today until after I talked to Ava and got clearance."

"Ava? Who is Ava Dad and why would she give you clearance to come home?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Ava Gupta my psychologist I met with her for two hours this morning and got the all-clear to come home. I'm seeing her next week for our first office visit."

Martha and Jordan had made their way to him by now and heard the last part, as they both hugged him.

"Welcome home Richard, but you should have called, we could have been entertaining for all you knew" as she accomplished the desired outcome, Rick, Jordan, and Alexis all beat red." She laughed and hugged him once again,

"Welcome home Rick, I know you were going nuts in the hospital, it's good to see you" as Jordan hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek ever so lightly.

"It's good to be home Jordy, did you get settled in OK?"

"Yes, you have quite a family Rick, Alexis spent the entire day with me, showing me around, then we went shopping to refurbish my wardrobe, it filled the closet up, so I hope I'm not imposing"

"Jordy, you're welcome for as long as you need or want to stay. We'll talk later, I had some ideas that might move this off the holding pattern and perhaps get you and Tom back together, God knows no other couple deserves it more than you two."

"Daddy, how do you know Jordan's husband, I mean I don't remember meeting him, or am I forgetting."

"No Alexis, remember when I went on that short trip to Chicago a few years ago when Beckett had left the hospital after her shooting?"

"Yeah, that was a quick book tour wasn't it Daddy?"

"Well, I did do two signings so it wasn't a lie, but I stayed with Jordan and Tom for ten days and got to know them both very well. Tom was there to help support me when I thought Beckett had left for the Cabin wi*"

"With that pompous ass Doctor boyfriend of hers, now I remember, and Daddy, you should have told me, I would have understood, but I know why you didn't, you didn't want me to worry about you."

"Like I said pumpkin, I'm sorry but I had a ton of stuff to work through then and I didn't want you to worry, and I didn't lie, technically"

"Well you're stretching it but I'll let it slide this time" she smiled,

"Rick I never knew that was the timing on that, you should have told us, here we were going on like two teenagers and you were dying about Kate, I'm so sorry"

"Jordy, you two were exactly what I needed, proof that love did exist, could exist between two different people, now we'll work on your relationship in the next few weeks, no arguments" she had tears in her eyes, and she tiptoed and kissed his lips short but sweet, and mouthed, "I love you too Rick" and then stepped back.

"Richard have you called Kate to let her know you were released," Martha asked, with a disapproving look on her face,

"I did Mother, I texted her from the hospital, tried calling her twice, in the limo on the way home. It went straight to voice mail so she's busy, I'm sure she'll call soon. Is anyone else hungry, I am starved after that slop the hospital called food."

"What do you have a taste for Rick, you're the one who has been without food for almost three weeks" Jordan smiled,

After some debate, they decided on pizza and Chinese, both very close and offered delivery so everyone could relax.

"If you ladies will excuse me, I'm going to wash the hospital smell of me, and get into some comfortable old clothes" Rick laughed,

Thirty minutes later Rick rejoined them just as the pizza and Chinese were delivered, and for the next hour the only sounds that could be heard where the kidding voices of the Castle family, enjoying the meal and each other, so happy to have Rick back home, all realizing just how close they had come to losing him.

Xx

Kate had heard Rick's text, she was up to ears with a possibly related murder, she would call him back when she got a minute, he would understand.

She was on the scene when her phone buzzed, glancing quickly she saw it was from Rick, she quickly declined it sending it directly to voice mail. She thought, it's unusual that he called so fast after texting, but she had to work this case. Agnes Fields had been found dead in her apartment, it was her safe deposit box that had been the one the TV Doctors had ransacked to take pictures and letters from before the explosion, something connected this little old retired lady to the robbery and she had to find out what.

They had canvassed the scene, searched financial records, and any affiliations that Agnes or her late husband had that could remotely connect them to the robbery, and came up empty. It wasn't until Kate heard Keven call Jenny and apologize for being late, and he would be leaving soon that she realized it was already after 8:00 PM, 8 hours after Rick's text and 6 hours from his call.

She dismissed the boys and hurriedly shut down her computer, deciding on foregoing calls to Rick, it would be better if she apologized in person. Rick would understand, he had worked enough cases with them to know that sometimes it took long irregular hours to crack a case. Her first shock came when she reached the VIP Desk and was refused admittance, it took a supervisor to tell her that Richard Castle was discharged earlier that day, approximately 12:30 PM and had left with his driver.

She hurriedly ran down the stairs, not bothering for the elevator and for the first time in her police career, actually used her lights in unofficial business. She arrived at Rick's building and parked in a visitor spot, displaying the placard, Official Police Business on the dash of her car, she ran to the elevators and punched his floor.

It was already 9:30 PM, and God she was so sorry she didn't answer his call, she should have known it was something important. What if he needed a ride? Help to get dressed? A thousand images ran through her mind, all ending with her ignoring his calls less than 12 hours after promising to put him first.

She pushed the buzzer and knocked firmly when she reached his door, she could hear sounds, and finally what seemed to be an eternity the door opened and she was looking down the eyes of one of the Reds, Alexis to be exact.

"Detective, how can I help you?" She asked with ice dropping off each word, now she knew she was in trouble, no one could get to Rick unless Alexis approved them.

"I'm sorry I'm stopping so late Alexis, I just came from the hospital, they told me your Dad had been discharged and I wondered if I could talk to him for a few moments," she asked not looking into the young girl's boring eyes,

"Detective he texted you at 11:34 AM, and then called you twice, once at 12:07 and again at 12:46 when he arrived home, you're just now getting around to checking your text messages and voice mails?"

"No, Alexis, I was on a case and well, I got busy and forgot to answer his calls or texts,"

"You mean you heard his calls and send them to Voice Mail, and ignored a text from your partner in the hospital because you were so busy on a case? What the hell do you think he called you for Detective? Agent Shaw worked the case but was at home before Dad, she actually answered his text, I have no idea what you think, Hell never mind, what can I do for you, Detective?

"As I said I'd like to talk to him for a few minutes Alexis, I know it's late but I won't keep him long, I promise"

"I'm sorry Detective, he's had a full day, and is exhausted, he went to bed just a short while ago, and I won't wake him, not on his first day home from the hospital after nearly dying, or did you forget?"

"No Alexis, I didn't forget, but please just ask him if he's up to seeing me, please"

"Come in Detective, I'll check if he's awake I'll ask him if not, then I will not wake him, and you can make your lame-ass excuses tomorrow, if you have time, wait here"

Kate's face burned with the chewing she just received from his daughter but she deserved it, always over-promising and under-delivering, she seemed to break every promise she ever made to him."

Rick had been awake and heard the exchange between his daughter and Kate, and he wasn't in the mood to talk to her tonight, so he feigned sleep when Alexis peeped in his door. Alexis closed it gently, and returned to the foyer,

"I'm sorry Detective, he's asleep, so try tomorrow, if you remember or can find the time for him"

"Alexis, that's not really fair, I mean I'm out solving murders, I can't just drop everything, I mean*"

"I know what you mean, and I think Dad is beginning to see it as well, you, his girlfriend from your declaration don't or can't find time for him, but a friend who is working the same case as you, Agent Shaw is a friend, found time not only to answer his text but to be here to spend time with him. I'm not sure what that says to you, but from my eyes, it's pretty clear where your priorities lie, and it's not with my father, have a good night Detective as she held the door open and motioned for her to leave."

Kate didn't hesitate, she turned and left, angry with herself, with Alexis, with the God Damn perfect fed, Jordan Shaw, and with Rick, he could have seen her tonight, if he loved her as she loved him. She hadn't finished the thought before she even knew it was a lie, it was her fault, no one else's. Now she had the problem, how was she to see Rick, she wasn't off until Friday, and that was three more days away, she needed to talk to him, she needed to make this right again. If she wasn't already too late.


	7. Chapter 7

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly completely AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

_**Rick had been awake and heard the exchange between his daughter and Kate, and he wasn't in the mood to talk to her tonight, so he feigned sleep when Alexis peeped in his door. Alexis closed it gently, and returned to the foyer, **_

"_**I'm sorry Detective, he's asleep, so try tomorrow, if you remember or can find the time for him"**_

"_**Alexis, that's not really fair, I mean I'm out solving murders, I can't just drop everything, I mean*"**_

"_**I know what you mean, and I think Dad is beginning to see it as well, you, his girlfriend from your declaration don't or can't find time for him, but a friend who is working the same case as you, Agent Shaw is a friend, found time not only to answer his text but to be here to spend time with him. I'm not sure what that says to you, but from my eyes, it's pretty clear where your priorities lie, and it's not with my father, have a good night Detective as she held the door open and motioned for her to leave."**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 7**

**Kate Beckett's Apartment**

**One Hour Later**

Kate was still reeling from the words from Alexis, mostly because there was more truth in her message than she really wanted to admit. She had walked home and replayed her day, several times, why the hell didn't she take just a few minutes to talk to him? He had always been there for her, but now she had crossed the line, put her heart out there, and if he walked away, she wouldn't blame him.

Shades of Will Sorenson came flooding back and his treatment of her, it hurt when she remembered her experience as the victim. She hadn't even been ill or recuperating from a life-threatening event when she had enough of him putting her second, always behind his job, his career, she was a leftover, an afterthought, God was that what she had done, what Rick and Alexis thought?

The tears fell as she realized, her actions had caused the same feelings she had ended a multi-month relationship over, would Rick forgive her? Could she ever get Alexis back on her side? She knew she was in trouble with his daughter, and any relationship with Rick would need her blessing, or at least her acceptance.

She poured a glass of wine and turned the hot water off, the tub was full of scalding bubbles to try to relax her and let her think how she could make this up to Rick. What would he do? He had tried everything from buying her a pony, to finally a heartfelt apology, and a willingness to leave her, if that's what she really wanted.

Tears fell bursting bubbles in the bathtub just as she seemed to be doing in her life, she knew she loved Rick, but something had changed in him since he was injured. No longer was he content to take what she had time for, he was standing up more for himself, as he should, and Alexis was not about to let anyone near him that would hurt him. She knew the chances of seeing Rick at the Loft without either Alexis or Jordan somewhere near where slim, so she decided to do what he did. Write her thoughts out, not in a book, described as love letters to her, but an actual letter.

She climbed out of the now cold water, toweled off, and dressed in her comfortable sleeping clothes and pulled her hair back in a messy bun. She gathered her writing kit, a gift from Rick, of course, she had mentioned she liked the stationary and the next morning the gift was on her desk, that was the way he was or had been. She only needed to mention a desire and he would move heaven and earth to obtain it for her, what a fool she had been.

She always wrote out her letters on a legal pad, then after she had made the revisions transferred to the stationary, a habit she had developed back in junior high school days, and had remained with her still. Where to start, she had so much she wanted to say, but as Rick would tell her, start at the beginning, that's where all stores start. She had so much to clear up with him, but for now, the events of his text and calls that she hadn't answered would be her topic, hopefully, they could work out the rest between just the two of them on a getaway where she could show him how much she loved him. For now, she started the letter,

**_Dear Rick,_**

**_I'm sorry that I need to address this at all, but more so on paper instead of face to face. I received your text, and both of your calls, I was at a crime scene that is so closely related to yours I was driven to solve it to get you justice, I lost sight of time, please forgive me. _**

**_I went to the hospital last evening and found out you had been discharged, I could have saved a trip had I read your text, or listened to your voice mails, please forgive me. I know you must feel like you come second, but Babe you really don't, the case was to find you justice, something you deserve more than anyone. I should have left the case to come to the hospital to help you get dressed, drive you home, and pick up any prescriptions you needed, I didn't and I am so very sorry Rick, please forgive me._**

**_I stopped by last evening, and the reception from Alexis was about what I expected and deserved, I'm sorry I let her down again, please tell her, and I ask for her forgiveness as well. I tried to talk to you, to tell you this in person, but you were sleeping and Alexis wouldn't wake you. I don't blame her, I'm sure I have hurt you both once again and all I can ask is that you remember the long nights and days we worked to get other's justice, that's why I needed to do the same for you._**

**_I thought back to when I was in your situation, how much it hurt for me to be left out, behind, and not included in my significant other's decisions, and I felt the hurt I caused you, it's sincere Rick, I really did, so please forgive me. I promise I will change, but please know that even as hard as I try, I will fail sometimes. I ask you to be patient, to be there as you have always been for me, even when I didn't deserve it. I never meant to hurt you, your family or damage our relationship, although I know I have, please forgive me._**

**_Rick, I know this is confusing to you, and hopefully, we can go someplace, just the two of us to discuss our relationship, what I want, what I know you used to want, and what I hope you still do, but I need to hear it from your voice. I've been the one who has held us apart for the last few years, and I realize just how hypocritical it is to ask you to drop everything now that Beckett is ready to have a relationship. _**

**_I want you to know that whatever you need me to do, counseling, with or without you, whatever you want, I'm serious Rick, I love you more than life. I know my actions since I went back to work have given you the completely opposite message, I'm so sorry, please forgive me._**

**"_Can I ask you to give me another chance, call me when you get this, I know there are so many things I need to say, hopefully, you still want to hear them, I promise Rick, no more putting you second, I love you, _**

**_Always,_**

**_Kate,_**

She carefully transposed it to the stationary, careful to catch her tears before they smudged the ink on the beautiful paper. She addressed the envelope and decided to drop it off at Rick's building the next morning on her run. She could only pray that she hadn't gone too far, she knew that Rick's love for her was not the same as it had been, and she was almost positive his patience with her was either worn out or hanging by a single thread. She had used all of her chances with Rick, and if she were being honest, she wouldn't have been as patient as he had been.

Xx

Kate gave up on sleep at 4:25 AM, she had tossed, turned, and when she had fallen asleep dreams of Rick and Jordan in the same bed, kissing and doing the deed, woke her in a panic and cold sweats. She had fucked things up big time, no one else to blame but herself for this one. She was curious what Rick was thinking now, everyone had observed huge changes in him, but she needed to talk to him to see, where, rather IF, she fit into his new plans at all.

She dressed in her running clothes, grabbed her gun and phone, and headed out. She ran a different route this morning, she usually ran in the opposite direction of the Loft, today she ran directly toward it and was nearing the end of her metered 5 miles when she saw the lights from the Loft ahead. Walking the final two blocks to allow herself to cool down, as well as catch her breath, she approached the entrance on Broome Street.

Eduardo was not at the desk, but he had just arrived she was informed when she asked. A few minutes he appeared in a three-piece suit, she almost didn't recognize him, apparently, Rick paid his staff very well since she knew the clothing marks were from the upscale stores.

"Miss Beckett, how can I help you, especially this early in the morning."

"Good Morning Eduardo, I need a favor if you can help me please. Please see that Mr. Castle gets this letter, no other, please? It's important and I don't want someone to forget to give it to him"

"Of course, Miss Beckett, shall I text you when I deliver it. Would that offer you some mental relief that Mr. Castle did in fact receive it?"

"Eduardo, that would be very much appreciated, thank you so very much, here's my card."

"Thank you, Miss Beckett, I think we still have your information on file, let me check," he returned behind the desk, prompted the computer, changed the screen and then, replied,

"Yes Miss Beckett, this is the same information we have on file, but I will keep it in my personal records, is there anything else we can do for you, mam?"

"No Eduardo, that's all, and thank you so much for going the extra mile, I'll wait for your text."

Xx

Three hours later, Kate was at the precinct, Jordan had just arrived, and still no text from Eduardo, she hoped he hadn't forgotten. Finally, a ping on her cell, a new text reading **_"Mr. C has your envelope, EdC."_ **She breathed a sigh of relief, the first objective accomplished, now she just hoped he would read it, she wouldn't blame him if he didn't. She thought she would give him till lunch, then she'd call him, regardless.

She was trying to keep her thoughts on the case, but her mind was back with Rick, what did he think, how would he react? She was reading a report for the third time, trying to make sense of Javi's Spanglish, some terms, a mixture of a word in Spanish and its English translation.

"Javi, re-do this report, and either do it all in English or Spanish so I can at least use a translation program, your mixture of the two words together isn't cutting it" as she tossed the report on his desk,

She had just turned and headed to the breakroom for another coffee when her phone rang, it was Rick's ring tone. She diverted to a conference room, locked the door as she answered,

"Hi Rick, I'm so glad you called. Did you get my letter?"

"Hi Kate, yes I got it. Eduardo knows the family very well, he waited until Mother and Alexis had left before he delivered it. He said you were here right at 5:30 AM, why so early?"

"Oh that, I needed to catch up on some running, so you know it's cooler when it's early, and well I wanted to make sure you received it. I'm so sorry about yesterday Rick, I know the impression it left, I mean I tell you one thing, then I do exactly the opposite, can you forgive me?"

"Yeah Kate, I read the letter, but you know yesterday was just a continuation of our entire time together, well whatever the hell we were, are. I'm still confused about how you can go from wanting to shoot me to kissing me, worrying if I would live or die. Then go right back to the old Kate, Job comes before everything and everyone.

Kate even when I was still in the hospital, I was your boyfriend, **your words**, and it was 8 fucking days that we didn't talk. You couldn't take 5 minutes from your day to call me, knowing that the hospital days are longer than anyone you will ever spend on earth. You stayed the night you smelled Jordan's perfume on my pillowcase and saw Remy wrappers in my wastebasket. You camped out to find out what? If I was cheating on you with Jordan? My God, I was in the fucking hospital where you know better than anyone the one thing worse than their food is a sense of privacy, anywhere there.

What does that say about **Trust** first, then what about your promise to put me first, not leave me to what's left of your life? It wasn't days later and you ignored my text and two calls? What if they had been, they were rushing me back to surgery, and I wanted, no needed to see you again, just in case? Would the job have still been more important Kate? Would finding justice as you call it for me be worth the price, we both would have paid had the scenario been different?"

Rick had not been speaking loudly, in fact, his emotions were very much in check which made Kate worry, even more, usually you only showed a lack of emotion for things you no longer care about.

"Rick, can I see you for lunch, or sometime this afternoon, I know the letter wasn't the best way to tell you what happened, but I don't want to get stonewalled by Alexis, I understand she cares about you, but really isn't this between just the two of us?"

"You want to see me on your lunch hour where if you get a call, I'll be left to get a carryout container and come home to eat by myself, tell me I'm wrong Kate, tell me that would never happen. As for Alexis, she's been here every minute, even longer than I wanted her to be, but she won't leave because she's scared to death something will happen when I'm by myself and no one would come if I called.

Just so we're clear on that point, No Kate, you lost that right when you let my daughter do what significant others typically do when the other is sick or ill. I'm not talking about coming into my room when the drugs have taken their toll, and I have once again lost the battle to stay awake just to see you for a few minutes, just to remind myself that you really said you loved me, that I hadn't dreamed or imagined it, even though your actions did little to prove your words.

I overheard one of the nurse's state what I had thought, but really didn't want to vocalize, but since you brought it up, were you coming to make me or yourself feel better? Did your visits to a sleeping Rick absolve you of your guilt that you had not communicated with me in any form for over a week? You didn't even know the medical progress or lack of it, so how can I trust what you're saying now? When you were shot, I lived at the hospital, even though I knew you weren't mine, you had made that very clear, but I couldn't leave, you were my partner, I had to be there to do I don't know what, but at least I would be there.

You state you are or were my girlfriend, yet you put an investigation first, that's you, Kate, it's always been you and I don't see you changing, not for me, or anyone. You asked a question, I'm sorry it took me this long to answer it, but no, I have plans with Ava this afternoon, so I won't be available. I was used to waiting to do things on your timeline Kate, but now, well, I'm working through some things but it's fair to tell you I'm not the same man I was.

I think Javi referred to me as your fetch dog, or some other derogatory remark, even you at one time during the Deming debacle alluded to my worth to you was fetching your coffee. If that's the man you want or expect as your boyfriend, then let's end it now, because things have changed.

I don't expect you to be perfect Kate, I can tolerate slips, but I can't or won't allow you to use your job or anything else as an excuse for you not committing to a relationship. One foot out the door eh Beckett, well that won't work so why don't you take a few days and think about what you want or expect if we continue to go forward. I'll do the same, and if we can't agree at least we can part friends. Goodbye Kate, stay safe" then the sound of a line was all she heard, God this was even worse than she could have imagined.


	8. Chapter 8

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly completely AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

_**Rick had been awake and heard the exchange between his daughter and Kate, and he wasn't in the mood to talk to her tonight, so he feigned sleep when Alexis peeped in his door. Alexis closed it gently, and returned to the foyer, **_

"_**I'm sorry Detective, he's asleep, so try tomorrow, if you remember or can find the time for him"**_

"_**Alexis, that's not really fair, I mean I'm out solving murders, I can't just drop everything, I mean*"**_

"_**I know what you mean, and I think Dad is beginning to see it as well, you, his girlfriend from your declaration don't or can't find time for him, but a friend who is working the same case as you, Agent Shaw is a friend, found time not only to answer his text but to be here to spend time with him. I'm not sure what that says to you, but from my eyes, it's pretty clear where your priorities lie, and it's not with my father, have a good night Detective as she held the door open and motioned for her to leave."**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 8**

**Outside Dr. Ava Gupta's Office**

**1:00 PM**

Rick arrived a few minutes early for his appointment with Ava, he was getting used to calling her by her first name, something others had referred to as unprofessional. It was quite the contrary to him, it made sense that someone would be much more open to a friend than to a white coat doctor, no matter how long you knew them. Ava's approach all fit into her mission statement,

_**Come as a stranger, leave as a friend, here for you always ^^^^ Ava, **_

Rick had found it certainly to be true for himself, she was more of a friend, who just happened to be a doctor that had helped him understand that he wasn't a freak, he was feeling like the majority of others who had gone through what he had. She had explained it in such clear terms but was always willing to customize the reactions he had felt to his case, not trying to make him fit into a pre-configured status.

He typically shied away from doctors of any kind, but he was actually looking forward to talking to Ava, and it wasn't because she was a beautiful lady. He found himself feeling lighter, almost like she could reach in and take the weights off his soul without condemning or making him feel like he had issues. He spent the time perusing her waiting room and was impressed with her list of degrees, the list went on and on, UCLA, Princeton, University of Chicago, University of Pennsylvania, and study programs from European colleges including Oxford, she was a very smart lady for such a young age.

He heard the door open, and was greeted with her trademark smile,

"Good Afternoon Rick, are you ready"

He stepped forward with his hand to shake and once again, she pulled him into a brief hug with the European custom of a brief kiss on each cheek, he couldn't help but notice her eyes, they didn't just light up the room, they seemed to twinkle like stars.

"Hi Ava, how are you doing?" he asked and she knew he sincerely cared,

"I'm good Rick, really good, so I'm thankful for all the blessings I have, and you sir, how are things progressing?"

As she gently escorted him to her office, he noticed it had a warm inviting aura, her desk wasn't huge and intimidating, and she had a selection of chairs, a sofa, straight back and a recliner that seemed to have Rick's name on it. He took a seat, and made himself comfortable, as Ava seated herself behind her desk. She knew his chart or had refreshed herself before his appointment started.

"Rick, has any of the explanations of those who have experienced NDE's helped you understand some of the changes you might be feeling if any?"

He smiled, "You know Ava when I first heard the doctor wanted me to talk to a friend of his, I was very skeptical. I thought yeah, this isn't going to help me at all, how would they know what I had been through, but I was wrong. I had only begun to speak with you until I felt like you knew what I had gone through on a personal level."

She smiled, then turned serious, "That's because I do Rick, I'm a survivor of open-heart surgery after ignoring all the risks, as a doctor, that makes me sound even more stupid than I felt. Long story short, they lost me on the table, twice, so yes, I do know the feelings you have. I have them as well.

I changed my field from cardiology to psychology when I returned to school, and that's why you saw so many different schools on the outer office walls. I knew I had found my calling when my first patient came to me, and I was able to help them, plus who wants to go to a Cardiologist who didn't follow normal guidelines", she smiled, but Rick could see some hurt behind the mask she was trying to show.

"OK Ava, my turn, what aren't you telling me, I noticed in your eyes some pain when you talked about that time, forgive me if I'm being too nosey but, you know friends is a two-way street" he locked onto her eyes,

"Damn it, Rick, I'm the one who's supposed to pick up body language, but you're right, the end of my fellowship in Cardiology was also the end of my engagement to my fiancé. Things always work out for the best; you have to believe that or you'll lose your mental balance."

"I'm sorry Ava, I shouldn't have asked, that was none of my business, forgive me please?"

"Forgive you? For what, caring enough to ask a friend when you see them hurting, no matter how many rehearsals she's had to try to hide it. It actually works into one of the traits we talked about, remember which one?"

"I should have studied if I knew you were going to give me an oral quiz" Rick laughed, the old relaxed Rick was back. "Was it they tend to be more open, caring, and loving?"

"That it was Rick, do you find yourself feeling differently towards others, or was this the first experience of it since we last talked. By the way, I'm flattered that you think of me as your friend and care enough to ask, so thank you for that."

"You're welcome, and you are a friend, so thank you for that, I can go to any doctor I choose, I can't find a friend who has the empathy that you do, so it means a lot to me and I feel comfortable around you, even talking about the difficult topics."

"Speaking of Rick, how are you and the Detective doing? Have you had a chance to talk since you were discharged, and if so, were there any changes knowing what you know now?"

"Well, as you know I had nightly visits from her, most of them were so late, I couldn't stay awake to even see her, but last week was different. One of her associates, well mine too, I guess, a Federal Agent we both worked a high-profile case with a few years ago is back in New York, working on the same case as Beckett is, but from the Federal angle.

She heard I was pretty banged up, and came to see me, actually sneaking me in two cheeseburgers from my favorite place, and talking for a few hours. Long story short, I had met her husband when I stayed with them in Chicago, well they're having some problems and she was staying alone in an apartment, so I sent my drivers to pick up her stuff and move her in with my family."

"Really, how did she react to that, not the cheeseburgers and if they were from Remy's you and I are going to have a fight", she laughed

Rick laughed again, "They were from Remy's, and she fought like hell until I told her about the time, I spent with her was when Beckett had gone AWOL with what I thought was her boyfriend and I didn't hear from her for over three months."

"Was that the experience you told me about in our initial conversation Rick?"

"No, the occasion we talked about was the Memorial Day I thought she had gone away with her Robbery Detective Boyfriend when I went to the Hamptons with my ex-wife, or so she thought. Gina rode with me to see her boyfriend who owns a home two streets away, but Beckett never found out about that. I stayed in the Hamptons and finished Naked Heat that year.

This occurred after she was shot, and I pleaded with her on the grass. Then when I went to see her, I was dismissed with "Somethings are best forgotten Castle" even though she knew I was aware she was lying. She sent me away, saying she was tired and she would call in a few days, I never heard from her until the next fall. I found out she was discharged from the hospital, and at that time she was seeing a heart surgeon so I assumed he was the one taking care of her.

When I returned to the fall, I was signing books at Barnes and Noble and she surprised me when she stood in line and asked me to sign her copy. I later found out all she wanted was a file I had been working on at the precinct before the new Captain banished me, she needed it back."

"So, to be clear, there were two instances where you were led to believe, truth or not is irrelevant, she had left with another man, once a Robbery Detective, then the next 15 months later it was repeated with the Cardiologist, can you share his name, it's not important, but sometimes it helps me if I know of the other actor's character."

"Oh yes, I'll never forget the great, the mighty, save the world Doctor Davidson" Rick spat the name out almost like a bitter piece of fruit,

"Rick, did you say, Doctor Davidson, was his name Josh, or JD perhaps,"

"His name was Josh, Ava, is that important?" he noticed a flush come over her olive skin, she was visibly shaken. "Ava, come on, you know that name far too well, and what did JD stand for?"

"Rick, it's not important, but yes I knew him, and JD was his initials for Joshua Donald Davidson the Third if we are being exact," she said, still fighting to regain her confidence.

"Ava, that's not the entire truth, and from the look on your face, oh my God, you were engaged to Josh, weren't you? That asshole broke up with you while you were convalescing from open-heart surgery didn't he, probably after he met Beckett on a Harley ride."

"Did you say he met her on a Harley bike ride Rick?" she was losing her composure fast.

"Yes, that's the story I got from her best friend, I have no reason to doubt her, she's never lied for Beckett to me, and I take her word as truth."

"Then it's the same Doctor Davidson, he was always on the prowl, I bet he cheated on your Detective just as he did me. Even when he was confronted, he still lied, I'm sorry Rick we're off-topic, this is your session not mine" her eyes were full of tears.

"Ava, have you had lunch yet, there's no reason we can't talk outside of this office, and I suddenly have a taste for Remy's, care to join me?"

"I know what you're doing Rick, Thank You, no I haven't had lunch so if you'd like to go to Remy's its been a while since I've been there."

"So, is that a yes? I have the car today, so come on, let's go talk somewhere else, OK?"

"One second Rick, she pressed the intercom, Sally, what's my schedule look like after Mr. Castle today?"

"Ava, you're free till the fundraiser this evening at 8:00 PM, shall I mark you out of the office"

"Thanks, Sally, I'll see you tomorrow," she had already traded her white medical coat for the top of her business suit, she was very attractive even dressed conservatively.

Rick escorted her to his Jag, and watched as her eyes popped open wide when he tossed her the keys, "You know how to drive a stick, right?" is all he said.

Rick enjoyed her excitement as she got the feel for the car, she was really getting into the performance when all too soon they took the exit that would take them to Remy's. He directed her to the garage across the street and was immediately greeted by everyone on the lot, as they high fived, and one older gentleman even hugged him, "Ellie and I said prayers for you Rick, every night, it's so good to see you back. You going back to Mr. Roy's house?"

"No Elias, not today, my friend Ava and I are going down to Remy's, keep an eye on her will you, and thank you and your beautiful bride for the prayers, they must have worked, because here I stand". The older man hugged him again and then tipped his cap at Ava.

"You seem to be loved everywhere you go Rick; you want to share your secret?" Ava kidded him as she fell into step with him,

He smiled, and it wasn't the one he used for his publicity shots, it was a real smile, he had been doing that a lot today, "I can take you to one of my ex-wives if you want another opinion" he laughed,

"Rick, Gina loves you, she just couldn't separate her private life from her job at Black Pawn," Ava said, as she cocked her head,

"How did you know about Gina?"

"How can I work with your emotions if I don't know the road you've traveled, Rick? I care about all of my patients just like my psychologist cared about me, rest her soul, I was taught that you're not just a chart, you're a person. She used to say, know the person, they'll tell you all you need to know about your patient." Ava smiled at him,

"That's it, it's all clinically inspired? I'm disappointed, I thought I might have another fan." He feigned disappointment.

"What Rick, you thought I would know the name of your 32 bestsellers, and A Rose Forever after was for Kyra Blaine, I mean I might do a little research, but a fan, no, " she snuck a peek at Rick and was busted the minute his eyes locked on hers, "Oh hell, I've been a fan of yours for years." She laughed, and let him escort into a private booth in Remy's. He hadn't even noticed that he was in "their" booth, or that's what he had referred to it before today,"

"Wow, my friend and doctor admires my work as well, that means more to me than you know Ava," Rick said, blushing a bit, Ava knew he wasn't just saying it, he really meant it.

The conversations took a pause as they ordered and enjoyed their food, oblivious to those coming and going in the busy hamburger joint. It was no secret that many of the 12th precinct frequented the place, but Rick didn't notice Javi and Kevin paying for a carryout order after they had eaten, even though they were in full view of the Doctor and him their entire lunchtime.

Ava was feeling much better and decided a ride through the park as they talked about Rick's progress, would be appropriate and a welcome change. As they talked, the surroundings seemed to relax them both, he outlined his experience with Kate, her letter, and his phone call back.

He knew his daughter was very much against him starting up with the Detective, he had been hurt so many times before and she had done nothing to change that impression if anything she had lost faith in the Detective completely. Rick was also struggling to justify, WHY the time on the job was more important than him, actually more important than anything.

Ava remained silent as she drove, listening intently to some of the behaviors, sometimes asking for time frames, and then as she pulled into a picnic parking spot, as Rick began to show more emotions in his voice.

"Rick, please be honest with me, are the emotions you are showing because of hurt you feel from the Detective, or something else, and if the latter, is it related to my history with the Cardiologist?"

Rick was shocked at first, he wasn't aware that she could hear the emotions he had been feeling, but apparently, she could. "I'm sorry Ava, I guess to be perfectly honest, it's a combination of things. First, I don't know what to do about Kate, her words say one thing, her actions send a totally different message, even just 48 hours after she was called out on it.

I'm really upset that someone of Davidson's character could hurt you as badly as he did, and I'm not sure if I should mention it to Kate, or let the history fade to the past. She would probably think I was demeaning him again, that was the reaction I usually received when I said anything even remotely negative about him"

"Well, Rick perhaps it's time to bring Kate into a group session if she's willing, and you mentioned she has a therapist as well. We could work a joint session so she wouldn't feel ganged up on if that would help,"

"Good idea, Ava, but I have to decide do I even want to put any more effort into this relationship, or at least at this time, or take a real break, that's not going to be easy, but I need to think this out in my own way"

"I understand Rick, thank you for a lovely lunch, I know I wouldn't have eaten if you hadn't insisted, so thanks. See you next week unless you need me before, you can always call, as she walked away before Rick realized they were only a few blocks from her office. He had to think and do it soon, it wasn't fair to anyone to string it out, good or bad.


	9. Chapter 9

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly wholly AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

"_**Rick, did you say, Doctor Davidson, was his name Josh, or JD perhaps,"**_

"_**His name was Josh, Ava, is that important?" he noticed a flush come over her olive skin, she was visibly shaken. "Ava, come on, you know that name far too well, and what did JD stand for?"**_

"_**Rick, it's not important, but yes I knew him, and JD was his initials for Joshua Donald Davidson the Third if we are being exact," she said, still fighting to regain her confidence.**_

"_**Ava, that's not the entire truth, and from the look on your face, oh my God, you were engaged to Josh, weren't you? That asshole broke up with you while you were convalescing from open-heart surgery didn't, he, probably after he met Beckett on a Harley ride."**_

"_**Did you say he met her on a Harley bike ride Rick?" she was losing her composure fast.**_

"_**Yes, that's the story I got from her best friend, I have no reason to doubt her, she's never lied for Beckett to me, and I take her word as truth."**_

"_**Then it's the same Doctor Davidson, he was always on the prowl, I bet he cheated on your Detective just as he did to me. Even when he was confronted, he still lied, I'm sorry Rick we're off-topic, this is your session not mine" her eyes were full of tears.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 9**

**12****th**** Precinct**

**Lunch Time (Kate) Same Day**

Kate had been trying to catch a break, any connection so she could have some time to spend with Rick, well that is if he would see her, she knew she had to wait the three days he had imposed. He was hurt, perhaps angry as well, although his voice didn't reflect anger, it was more of disappointment. She had asked the boys to bring her back a cheeseburger from Remy's so she could double-check a lead she had found. She had stepped into the ladies' room, and was walking back to her desk when she heard the boys arguing,

"We have to tell her Kevin, what is she finds out some other way" Javi was emphatic

"Are you nuts, the mood she's been in, you and I both may wind up working traffic detail" Kevin responded,

"I'm telling you Kevin, man up, she's our friend, it will kill her if someone else saw them and tells her, she'll know we hid it from her and think we're his friend.

"Javi, you know how upset she's been, God only knows what this will do to h*" he stopped midsentence as he saw the glare coming from the eyes of one pissed off Kate Beckett.

"You two, conference room now, and bring my damn lunch, it took you long enough" she was pissed and didn't even know the news yet, but from the way her boys were discussing it, she wouldn't like it was an understatement.

They walked into the conference room, Kate holding the door as Kate retrieved her hot coffee, something told her she was going to need it, and when they finally sat down, she closed the door and locked it.

"OK, you two were in a debate about telling me something, so now that the secret is out, why don't you tell me what you two saw or heard." She was glaring at them, as Kevin shrank in his seat, childhood memories of him being scolded by the Nuns in Catholic school.

They look at each other until Javi began to speak,

"Kate, now don't read anything into this, I mean it could be nothing we ju*"

"God Damn it Espo, just come out and say what you saw or heard. I take it something occurred at Remy's since my burger is still warm, now what is it."

Kevin spoke up, "Kate, Javi and I were in a booth facing your booth, you know the one you and Castle always wait for, sort of your booth, but when we looked over, we saw Rick with an attractive lady. She had Olive skin and beautiful eyes, and you could tell they were lost in their conversation, Rick never looked up or at our way anytime during lunch"

"Yeah, I mean they were totally lost in each other, I haven't seen him smile like that since, well I don't know how long" Javi added,

"Were they there when you were seated, or did they come in after you guys" Kate decided to go for the innocent questions, at least at first,

"As I said, they were there Kate, he had the nerve to sit with her in **YOUR **booth, the one you and he always sat in after big cases, and well you know when you were getting your act together" Javi offered,

"Javi, we didn't have a booth that was **OURS**, where did you get that?"

"My God Kate, you were the only one not to know then, no matter what it was when you and Castle needed to clear the air or discuss old boyfriends, or ex-wives, you guys ALWAYS sat in that booth. That meant to everyone, Remy's staff included to stay clear, provide service and get out of your way. You didn't pick up on that after almost 4 years?" Kevin's face couldn't hide the shock and disbelief

"No, I guess I didn't. I mean Castle and I shared meals at Remy's but one special booth? No, it hadn't crossed my mind" she lied, pretty convincingly judging by the crestfallen look on Ryan's face and the anger in Javi's voice.

"Kate, you have to be kidding, are you serious?" Kevin got out,

"Yes, and what about it, so what's the big news, you saw your buddy at Remy's or he found one of his groupie chicks to have lunch with, so what's the big deal? He can eat lunch with anyone he wants, wherever he wants, we aren't a couple, what gave you that idea?"

"The fact that you spent all of your free time when he was hurt with the Castles, that you went to the hospital every day you left here, no matter what time it was, should I go on Kate? Just admit it, we know Rick's in love with you, he has been for years" Kevin coaxed,

"You think so? Well maybe he was, and yes, I love him, OK, you guys happy now. I love him and it looks like I lost him. I tried to talk to him last night, he told me to take three days to get my priorities straight, and he was doing the same, then he would let me know. Does that sound like the love-struck Castle you called my fetch dog Javi, by the way, he heard you and remembered it, so thanks for the help, not as if I need it to fuck it up any more than I have."

What do you mean Kate, there's got to be more than that? Rick's one of the most patient men in the world, so what aren't you telling us? We fell for this shit once before, even Captain Montgomery, and then found out you weren't the victim, Rick was." Kevin was losing patience now,

She tearfully relayed the events of what had happened, how she had gotten to the hospital, and just sat with him sleeping, her version of one foot out the door, even though she was the one to initiate the couple status. She broke into tears when she recounted the night Jordan had visited, and how she had stayed to talk to him, the first time in 8 days, all because she was jealous.

How he had called her out on it and the lack of communication, then Jordan moving into the loft, and finally her being at the crime scene and ignoring his text and two calls, only to find out he went home that day. The treatment from Alexis, well deserved, the letter and finally Rick's response via phone call. It was a Cluster Fuck beyond what even she usually could pull off.

When she had completed informing the boys, her face was streaming with tears, Kevin pulled out a handkerchief and handed to her, ala Castle style, which just made her cry even harder. Javi was getting more pissed by the minute, and kept mumbling what, WHY? Kevin looked at her with a look of sympathy, and just said,

"Kate, would you have taken this crap of any man? I remember Sorensen was a Dead Man walking before he even got back from the interview, all because you weren't included, and now you do this to Rick after YOU start the I love You and we're a couple."

"I don't blame Rick, I really don't. What the HELL were you thinking Kate, how many times did he have to tell you, that you were sending one message and saying another, God, it's a wonder he answered your letter.

I know little Castle is pissed as hell, so you better come up with something sincere, and I mean fast, or kiss the man who tried to take a bullet for you good-bye. Even Saints have their limits Kate, I think you just found his, I'm sorry, you're my friend, but right now, you deserve whatever he gives you. I know I couldn't have been as civil as he has been," Javi shakes his head and walks away, ignoring her pleas of

"Javi, Javi, please I need my friends, please" the door shut behind him as he walked outside, suddenly feeling ill, but not for himself, for his friend.

Xx

**Castle Loft**

**That Evening**

Alexis was pretty good on picking up when her Dad needed privacy, Martha, not so much, but little Castle managed to drag her Grams to the play tonight to give Rick and Jordan time to talk. If her Dad didn't need it, Jordan certainly did, judging by how much she cried each night, not knowing Alexis could hear her. The routine was always the same, she would call, speak briefly with her husband then spend 10 minutes or so, trying to stay a part of her daughter's life, always crying the minute the call ended.

"Dad, Jordan, we're leaving for the play, we should be home around 11:30 PM so don't think you have to wait up, love you" Alexis yelled as she pulled her Grams out the door and toward the elevator.

"I'm sorry Jordan, Alexis is as subtle as a baseball bat across the shins sometimes but I'm glad they're out for the evening, I wanted to ask you how things really were, and if you felt like it, I could use your advice."

Jordan laughed, but Rick could tell it wasn't her real laugh, " Well, I guess the news will travel soon enough once I sign them, Tom served me with the divorce papers yesterday, I'm just thankful the Summons Server who served me was just that a gentleman and took me aside for a private message before handing me the envelope. I would have died if my entire team, not to mention half of the 12th precinct would have witnessed that."

"Gosh, I'm sorry Jordan, I didn't know. Is there anything I can do, anything at all?" Rick had tears in his eyes as his voice trembled with emotion.

"Thanks, Rick, I think right now there's nothing anyone can do for us, I think the judge we got assigned is going to assign mandatory marriage counseling before she hears the case, so that is perhaps my last hope. How about you, you look, well if I'm being honest, you look like shit, what's going on?"

Rick explained to Jordan the events of the last several weeks, including Kate sending two calls to voicemail, and allowing a text to go unread, very hurtful to him as his body language indicated.

"So, you told her to give you three days to think about things Rick? What do you plan on doing, going somewhere where you can get your thoughts straight?"

"Well, that's a great idea, you know Jordan, I think I will. Are you OK, because I think I'm going to pack a bag really quickly and make arrangements for the next few days? Thank You!" as he pulled her into a hug, things will work out as she couldn't hold it in any longer, and her tears fell freely.

He held her until she cried herself out, and then she kissed his cheek, and said,  
"Thanks, Rick, now go, take care of your business. I'm going to work on a plan to present to the judge why I should not be granted shared custody, I mean it's nothing new, we've done this since she was a baby."

Twenty minutes later Rick was packed, and getting ready to head out the door.

"Jordan, tell Alexis I'll call her tomorrow, and tell Mother to mind her own business, she'll find out what's going on when I know, take care of yourself, things will work out I know they will, have faith"

"You and your damn universe Rick, but hope is all I have left now, so I'll hold on, and take care of yourself. Should I tell them where you are going?"

"No, because I don't know for sure yet," he kissed her cheek and was out the door. As soon as he got in his limo, he called his pilot, Janet, to meet him at the airport, and headed in that direction.

Once he was safely on board, he gave Janet his destination, written on a cocktail napkin from the limo, as he settled in for the flight, Janet went to the cockpit, filed her flight plan, and then returned to Rick's seat.

"We should be there in about two hours Rick, and I take it from the secrecy of the written instructions you don't want anyone from New York to know where you're headed, am I correct?"

Rick smiled up at his friend and pilot for over 8 years, "How did you get so smart Janet? You're absolutely correct. I'll get in touch with you for the return trip, and yes, I remember you take Wednesdays off to be with Carol, it's your date day, so no problem there" he smiled, and Janet laughed,

He turned back to his laptop and continued working on the Word Document he had open on his laptop, talking points to have ready when he finally reached his final destination. He enjoyed his three fingers of single malt whiskey and closed his eyes to relax. It seemed like only minutes later Phyllis, the co-pilot and purser was gently waking him,

"Rick, we'll be landing in 12 minutes, you need to put the laptop away and buckle up, not my rules, it's the law" she knew he hated the seat belts so she attempted to avoid his arguments.

They touched down and Rick bade farewell to the two ladies, promising again to allow Janet a stress-free Wednesday, but he would call her for return information when he was ready.

Xx

Two hours later Rick had maneuvered his rental car through the traffic of Chicago to reach the suburb of Itasca, a beautiful town full of beautiful buildings, and a great golf course. He pulled into the County Club, although golf was the last thing on his mind. He checked in, enjoyed an early dinner, since Chicago was one hour before New York in time zones, then headed out for his real mission.

He found himself outside the suburban home of Tom and Jordan Shaw, his friends, and his refuge a few years ago he had when Kate had gone radio silent after checking out of the hospital and excluding him from any communication for approximately 4 months.

He knew Jordan much better than Tom and wasn't sure if his visit would be welcomed or not, but he had to try. Their marriage was much too important to throw away without a fight, regardless of who did what, they loved each other, and Brittany deserved both a mother and father.

Well, it's now or never he thought as he pulled himself from the car and walked slowly and deliberately up the drive, knocking on the door, to see a surprised Tom Shaw open it a few moments later,

"Rick, what the hell are you doing here, is everything all right, oh my God, Jordy is all right isn't she?

"Hi Tom, we need to talk" as he walked through the door Tom opened wider for him to enter,


	10. Chapter 10

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly wholly AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

_**He found himself outside the suburban home of Tom and Jordan Shaw, his friends, and his refuge a few years ago he had when Kate had gone radio silent after checking out of the hospital and excluding him from any communication for approximately 4 months. **_

_**He knew Jordan much better than Tom and wasn't sure if his visit would be welcomed or not, but he had to try. Their marriage was much too important to throw away without a fight, regardless of who did what, they loved each other, and Brittany deserved both a mother and father.**_

_**Well, it's now or never he thought as he pulled himself from the car and walked slowly and deliberately up the drive, knocking on the door, to see a surprised Tom Shaw open it a few moments later,**_

"_**Rick, what the hell are you doing here, is everything all right, oh my God, Jordy is all right isn't she?**_

"_**Hi Tom, we need to talk" as he walked through the door Tom opened wider for him to enter,**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 10**

**Tom Shaw's Home**

**Friday, 7:30 PM CST**

Rick had made the bold move to fly to a strange city, for the sole purpose of trying to get a husband to make things right with his wife, one that was actually living with him in New York. What in the world could go wrong, as he began to think things through, he realized, it was too late to turn back now?

"Hi Tom, first NOTHING is wrong, physically, that is, and I don't know how much or what Jordan has told you for the last few days.

"You mean about you practically kidnapping her and forcing her to stay with your family, yeah Rick she told me about that, we always need to treat each other with dignity since Brittany will pick up on it"

Rick's face begins to flush before Tom leans over and said, "She also said you were like a brother to her, and it made her feel so much better" as he saw relief come flooding back into Rick's face.

"Tom, you have a beautiful wife, inside and out but to me she is married, and a great friend I saw hurting, I couldn't let her go through that alone"

"I suppose you know why we're separated; it was stupid on my part, I was the classic fool" Tom replied,

"I'm not here to judge, but I can tell you from being in her position not once but twice, it hurts worse than any physical pain you could have put her through. She's wondering now is she woman enough, did she do enough, I know Tom because I saw a shrink for two years after my divorces, and but by the grace of God, and Alexis, my daughter, I don't know what I would do without them. I had thoughts; I will admit that"

Tom's face told it all, he had never considered the affair from Jordan's point of view, especially one of self-worth, being woman enough, or other things Rick had said.

"Tom, I'm sure you've heard of the five steps of grief, well in a way Divorce, especially to the one not filing or in this case committed any act to violate the vows they took at the wedding altar, is the same as going through a death. The biggest difference and I say this not as Rick, but as my therapists who managed to pull me back from the danger area, your partner has a choice in divorce, death, unless suicide your loved one was ripped from your life." Rick paused as he saw the look on Tom's face go almost green.

"Rick, what do I do, I mean I listened to my friends and they told me to file for divorce, so now it's too late, I mean Jordy has her pride and I don't blame her. I have humiliated her in front of our friends and co-workers and the only thing she can take pleasure in was the day we were discovered, the young lady I was having the fling with dumped me, told me I was too old, and not what she was looking for."

"Have you asked her to forgive you? Did you once say you were sorry and sincerely mean that you were sorry for violating her trust and your vows, not that you got caught, there's a huge difference."

"No, I guess the anger, shock and if I'm truthful embarrassment and shame for what I did was masked with my actions against her. I had no right to be angry at her, she did nothing wrong, but I tried to justify what I did with her shortcomings, and I'm sure I said things she can never forgive."

"How do you know unless you ask? I would preface that with a very sincere apology, and perhaps an act to prove to her that she has been the love of your life since you met. Women need to be reminded occasionally, even more so when they have had their faith shaken, especially in matters of infidelity." Rick watched Tom's face as his words seem to be finding a home, he was sure that Tom regretted his actions, but it wasn't him that was injured, Jordan had to be the one to forgive.

"How the hell do you know so much about this topic Rick? I mean you sound like a shrink, not that it's bad, it's just scary that I know you as the world-famous author and now you are sounding as if you could hang a shingle out for marriage counseling."

"You ever hear of the old saying, those that can, DO, those that can't teach, well substitute counsel in place of teach and that's me. Like I told you, I was in therapy for years after not one but two divorces, and I had to rely on others to help talk me down from time to time when I lost all hope, which was often I hate to admit."

"WHAT? YOU? You have anything you desire, money, women, you go anywhere you want, what could make you get so low that you would want to as you say take action, Rick?"

"One-word Tom, I'm sure you've felt it but you push it aside for Brittany, Loneliness."

Rick watched as tears filled Tom's eyes, the word had found it's intended location, and he was realizing that Jordan was feeling on top of all that he had dumped on her, the feeling of being totally alone in the world, without anyone knowing or caring should something happen to her.

"What do I do now Rick, I mean I never wanted to lose her, it was so stupid, I guess I felt like I was getting old, and undesirable to her, how do I fix this?"

"Talk, and do it now. I'll watch Brittany, you go to New York and take your wife out on a date and cancel those damn court proceedings if you're lucky, and I think you are, she'll forgive you. Don't think that forgiveness equates to trust, you will need to earn that back with her one day at a time, let her know that and start today."

He saw the beginning of a smile on Tom's face, "let me tell our daughter, I'm going to help Mommy and if we're lucky she will be coming home with me", as he bounded up the stairs.

Xx

**New York, 11:45 PM**

**Castle's Loft**

**Same Day**

Jordan was reviewing the notes from the latest crime scene reports when a knock came on the front door. Alexis was out with a friend, and God only knew where Martha was, so she went to investigate the source of the knocking. She peeked through the security peephole and almost fainted, then threw open the door, to greet her husband.

"Tom, what ar*" was all she got out before he had pulled her into a deep kiss, and mumbled, repeatedly," I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Jordy, please, can we talk about this so you can begin to forgive me, please," tears were flowing from both of them as she kissed him back. He was the love of her life and had been since the day she met him.

Jordan pulled away, from him, looking in his eyes, "I'm sorry Tom, right now, please just don't touch me, it's going to take some time for me to get over what you did, to me, to us, to our family."

"I understand, I really do, and Rick told me it would take a long time if ever to regain your trust. I'll work on it every day, I swear, and for the record, if I could do things over again, I would talk to you not yielding to the first slut who worked on me for material gain. I was the fool, and I know that made your life foolish as well. I know my touch is repugnant to you, and I know why, I understand, and I'll wait, in fact, I'll do whatever you want Jordy if I can have another chance.

I'd like to start like we did when we were 15 years old, dating, no touching, and I realize I'm asking a lot from you after what I put you through, but would you consider it, or did I screw it up so bad there's no hope for us left?"

Jordan walked away, looked into Rick's office, and wondered how the hell did Tom know exactly how she was feeling inside, it had to be Rick but he was, wait, did he?

"Tom, you mentioned Rick, when did you see him?"

"He came to our home tonight, in fact, he's babysitting Brittany so I could come down here and try to apologize, I don't have enough I'm sorry's for what I did, but I'm begging for one last chance."

"Rick is in Chicago at our home babysitting our daughter so you and I can start to discuss our way back together?" Jordan had tears fill her eyes,

"Yes, but why does that make you sad, Jordy? He's our friend, perhaps the best one either of us has ever had"

"Yes, Tom, that he is, but do you know when he stayed with us a few years ago, he was trying to keep his sanity after Kate left for parts unknown to finish healing, with her Doctor Boyfriend, or at least that was what Rick was led to believe at the time. Do you remember how we acted? Like two love-struck teenagers without much regard for how he was feeling"

"I'm sorry, how did you find this out? I mean I'm sure neither of us would have been that insensitive had we know the facts"

"Yeah, well Rick is going through another crisis now, he almost lost his life a short while back, remember I told you about the bank, well anyway since then he has really been searching for a reason why he was spared, he relived his experience in the ER and suffered three NDE, (near-death experiences), so now he is searching for the reason his time was extended here."

"Oh my God Jordy, I just unloaded a ton of my crap on him, and he told me, to come to you, to tell you what I told him and to remember I hurt you more than anyone else could ever do, so be gentle, patient and understanding or don't come at all."

Jordan begins to cry, she pulled away from her husband and motioned for him to stay where he was at as she went into Rick's office, and looked out at the street below. "Damn it, Rick, she thought, why do you always put yourself last, hopefully, this new lease on life will show you just how important you are to so many," she was whispering to herself as she saw the pictures that surrounded his office of his one true love, his daughter. She cried, perhaps 15 minutes, and when she opened the door, Tom stood with arms open and a box of tissues,

She fell into his arms and they began to talk, really talk for the first time since, well it seemed forever, but Rick had told Tom the truth. Jordan still loved him, but for now, she didn't trust him, nor did she want physical contact until they got deeper into their relationship resolution.

The old Tom would have simply walked out, this version of her husband agreed and opened his heart to tell her the whole story, when, how, and why and when he had finished, they both held each other as each cried. Tom whispered in her ear, "Jordy, I will be here, no matter how long it takes, I'll prove to you all over again, that you are my only love, my only desire, and I don't expect it to be a short duration, but please talk to me when I screw up, I can't live another 3 months apart from you, I would rather die."

Xx

**Shaw Household**

**Next Morning**

Brittany had been overjoyed when her Dad had told her Uncle Rick would be spending the night, maybe two and she should be on her best behavior. She snuck down the stairs to see where he was, but he was waiting and scared her as he jumped from behind the stairs and chased her through the house. He finally caught up with her and hoisted her to his shoulder for a piggyback ride to the kitchen where they made Uncle Rick's famous pancakes, well chocolate chip to be exact with smiley faces but they had worked on Alexis when she was small.

They were having such a good time cooking, and making a mess, Rick almost didn't hear his phone, and Jordan calling to say good morning to her girl. Rick put it on speaker,

"Mom, I was going to scare Uncle Rick like you showed me, but he scared me instead, this morning, I thought you said he was a sleepy head?" as they all laughed

"See Brittany, Uncle Rick knows more about you than you think, tell Mom and Dad what we're doing now,"

"We just finished making pancakes, Uncle Rick said thy are his famous recipe but Mom they look like the ones on the back of the box," as she squealed with laughter as Rick just touched her foot, she was very ticklish."

"Well, Rick Thank you for all of your help, BUT my kitchen better be clean when Tom and I get home tonight, or you are in trouble,"

"Yes Mam, we will see to that," he laughed, and Brittany crawled in his lap and told her parents she was going to have Uncle Rick read her a story and she would see them later,"

"Thanks, Rick, for everything, we'll see you soon, both of us."

"Great Jordan, see you tonight, safe travels"


	11. Chapter 11

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly wholly AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

"_**How the hell do you know so much about this topic Rick? I mean you sound like a shrink, not that it's bad, it's just scary that I know you as the world-famous author and now you are sounding as if you could hang a shingle out for marriage counseling."**_

"_**You ever hear of the old saying, those that can do, those that can't teach, well substitute counsel in place of teach and that's me. Like I told you, I was in therapy for years after not one but two divorces, and I had to rely on others to help talk me down from time to time when I lost all hope, which was often I hate to admit."**_

"_**WHAT? YOU? You have anything you desire, money, women, you go anywhere you want, what could make you get so low that you would want to as you say take action, Rick?"**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 11**

**Kate Beckett's Apartment**

**Saturday, 7:30 AM**

Kate had the entire weekend off, and Monday as well. Damn it, timing sucked but the hours of vacation not taken were issued and the Captain was coming down hard on everyone to use it before they lose it. She would have much more preferred the time when Rick was still convalescing at home, she could have spent the entire weekend with him, instead of focusing on some damn case. Now Rick had told her to take time to figure out what she wanted, but what worried her, was his remark **"and so will I".**

Four little words, she kept thinking, but what if she were correct that he had changed since his injury and subsequent NDE, many people do, or so Google researchers said. Then the thought hit her, why the hell was she going to an unknown source on the internet, all she needed to do was arrange a time with Doctor Burke, he would know exactly what to do, or how to react to the changing Rick.

She called and asked for an emergency appointment, the time slot he always reserved was 7:00 AM in the mornings, and she was surprised when she was given an appointment for Sunday rather than having to wait for Monday. She was happy yet it still surprised her that the good doctor would keep weekend hours. Now all she had to do was survive the next 23 hours till she met with Dr. Burke.

She had been a patient of Doctor B's long enough to anticipate some basic questions so to busy herself as much as to prepare for tomorrow, there's only so many times you can clean the apartment and do laundry, she sat down to comprise how and when she had noticed the changes in him. The first section was labeled **Before Injury**, she still couldn't bring herself to say near death, it hurt too much.

She noted down some of his more usual behaviors, such as morning coffee, the sexual tension between them, his seriousness when it came to his daughter, his ability to laugh at himself, sometimes, hell often when he shouldn't have but did because she thought a put down to Castle was nothing to worry about, he would always be around. She listed a few more examples, then moved to the next section.

This section she titled, **After Injury and My Confession of Love**, she wanted to be sure the doctor knew she loved Richard Castle, had told him so and tried to prove it, well at first, then she reverted back to her old ways. She listed those as well and was surprised to find quite a disproportionate number of bad incidents to those good ones listed in the first section; she didn't do the tally but it was easily 3 times as many entries. She was shocked, and then ashamed, as the picture came into focus for her, the pinnacle of her disregard, even lack of respect for him as a human occurred when she didn't respond to his calls or text, humiliating to anyone but hurtful or worse to the one you just had asked for another chance to prove your love for.

She was just condensing her writings into talking bullet points when there was a knock on her door. She glanced at the clock, almost 11:00 AM, and she wasn't expecting anyone so she moved to pick up her gun, when the knock was heard again, slightly louder. She eased over to the privacy viewer hole on the door and looked out. She opened the door to find someone she had never expected, Jordan Shaw.

"Kate, I'm sorry to drop by unannounced, but I think we need to talk"

"Sure, Jordan, won't you come in" as she opened the door wider, and secured her weapon, hoping Jordan wouldn't see, but that wasn't the case.

"It's smart to keep your weapon out Kate, you never know who will come knocking" she tried to laugh, but Kate could tell there was something serious she wanted to tell her.

"Well with Castle, you never know when he will come around, and I have to be prepared for him" she sluffed off, mentally kicking herself, once again blaming Rick for something that she should take responsibility.

"Yeah, about Rick, I'm sure he told you I was staying at the Loft, I'm not sure if he told you why, but I wanted to talk to you woman to woman. Alexis let it slip that you had declared yourself his girlfriend, and when I asked where had you been, she rolled her eyes and replied Good Question, she disappeared once she went back to work.

She couldn't be bothered to answer his calls or text the day he was released from the hospital, so Dad came home in the God Damn Car Service. She didn't even know he was discharged till 9:30 PM that night when she came over from the hospital where she should have been when he called her, some Girlfriend, I told Dad to dump her ass, for good this time."

Kate hung her head, and knew that Jordan was cleaning up whatever the younger Castle had to say, she was sure that Alexis would be more difficult to convince than Rick, that she did love him, and would do anything for him.

"Kate, I'm not here about that, I just wanted to tell you that Rick is in Chicago, he flew there to talk to my husband Tom, who cheated on me, and served divorce papers. I won't give you all the specifics, but Rick talked him into coming down to see me face to face and, well, we're flying back to Chicago in a few hours, I can finish up our end of the joint case we're working from there.

Rick is hurting Kate, he talked to his therapist, Ava Gupta before he left, he didn't know I could hear but he is really struggling with why he got another chance to live when three times he was clinically dead. Why him, what does he do now? He told me that he didn't know what his purpose was for being spared, but it sure as hell wasn't to keep doing what he had always done, and he was starting a new chapter in his life, perhaps even with new characters or location."

"Oh my God, Jordan, I have chased him away for good this time, what do I do?"

"Well, he won't be home till late tomorrow night, I can't tell you what's going wrong, but I wanted to look you in the eye and tell you, you are Fucking Up Kate Beckett, figure it out, or get out of his way. He deserves so much better than what you or your friends have given him, so this is my warning to you, hurt him again, and I'll be back and it won't be pretty.

I have to go, my husband, thanks to your boyfriend is waiting downstairs and we're on our way to our first counseling session when we get home, we want this, I hope you want it with Rick as well, but whatever you do, stop hurting him" She walked out the door and let it close firmly behind her, as Kate stood in disbelief, he had already talked about new city, new friends, was she too late already?

Xx

**Outside Doctor Burke's Office**

**Sunday 7:15 AM**

Kate hadn't slept at all after Jordan's visit earlier yesterday, but she did think back to all the times she had hurt him, verbally and by her actions. She began a ledger of the events from the first time she met him, this time she also added her personal feelings about the man himself, starting with the time she stood in line with an old book and he graciously autographed both the old and new books for her.

She was sure he didn't remember her; she was just a rookie patrolman at the time, and Mike Royce her TO had covered for her since he knew how much the books meant to her, it was her last tie to her deceased mother. As she was working on the ledger, trying like hell to think what motivated her to act as she had, the music on her iPod let her down. Out came the sounds of REM, Everybody Hurts, something she hadn't ever considered Rick doing, he was so strong, confident, rich, successful, he couldn't hurt as she did, no he just couldn't, or did he, as she finally realized what her actions had caused and what Jordan had warned her about.

_When your day is long  
And the night  
The night is yours alone  
When you're sure you've had enough  
Of this life  
Well hang on  
Don't let yourself go  
'Cause everybody cries  
And everybody hurts sometimes_

_Sometimes everything is wrong  
Now it's time to sing along  
When your day is night alone (hold on)  
(Hold on) if you feel like letting go (hold on)  
If you think you've had too much  
Of this life  
Well, hang on_

_'Cause everybody hurts  
Take comfort in your friends  
Everybody hurts  
Don't throw your hand  
Oh, no  
Don't throw your hand  
If you feel like you're alone  
No, no, no, you're not alone_

_If you're on your own  
In this life  
The days and nights are long  
When you think you've had too much  
Of this life  
To hang on_

_Well, everybody hurts sometimes  
Everybody cries  
And everybody hurts sometimes  
And everybody hurts sometimes  
So, hold on, hold on  
Hold on, hold on  
Hold on, hold on  
Hold on, hold on_

_Everybody hurts_

_You are not alone_

She spent the remainder of the day, yesterday thinking of what she could do to prove not only she was sorry, but also that she had changed, nothing mattered but him. She had said the words and the moment push came to shove; she had once again lied.

She was startled from her thoughts with the deep baritone voice of the good Doctor,

"Good Morning Kate, please give me a few moments and I will be right back" as he smiled, hell he always smiled, why didn't he have problems, shut up Kate, everyone has problems she argued with herself. It was time to own up and to really change.

"Good Morning Doctor, Thank You"

Less than five minutes the office door opened, and the kind Doctor's face could be seen,

"Are you ready to begin Kate?"

"Yes, of course" as she hurried through the door and sat in her normal chair, across from him but not in direct line of vision of his eyes, sometimes they just bored right to her soul, almost like an open highway.

"Kate, do you want to tell me what prompted the call, or should I guess?"

"Well Doctor Burke, I seemed to have really messed up this time, Rick Castle, my partner, and my boyfriend as of a few weeks ago told me to take three days to think what my priorities in life should be, and I really don't know how to handle this."

"Kate. I've known you long enough to know that what you just described was the condensed version of what happened, so why don't we begin at the beginning I can't help you if I don't know the entire story."

For the next 30 minutes Kate explained the events of the bombing of the bank, Rick almost dying and his 3 NDE experiences, her time spent with him and how she jumped him the moment he woke up to kiss him and tell him how much she loved him. She continued with the period spent at the hospital, how she felt, and also how Rick had stepped back from his love for her, she felt it. When she had been shot, he professed his love for her, telling her to hang on, she would never forget the love in his eyes, but that look was now gone.

She continued to her latest screwup, working a case over him, and sending his calls to voicemail, only to discover he had been discharged from the hospital and had to take the car service home, something that had infuriated Alexis his daughter and Jordan Shaw a good friend of them both. She offered what she knew of where Rick went, why, and Jordan's conversation with her yesterday, telling her to get it together or get out of his way. She concluded with the ledger she had started and why, ending with the song that had brought her to tears, yesterday and once again as she finished talking.

"That gives me much more to work with Kate, so the big issue is that you professed your love to Mr. Castle, using your words, even declaring that he was your boyfriend, but yet refused his calls and only showed up to see him after hours when you knew he would be asleep. Is that accurate?"

Kate lowered her head, hearing it stated out loud made it even worse, and tearfully shook her head yes.

"Mr. Castle's daughter is upset with you, I might add rightfully so, for not at least acting with the same courtesy you would give a friend, yet you ignore your boyfriend, and what was it 8 days that you hadn't spoken to him or the family about his condition?"

Once again, a tearful nod of her head affirming her actions.

"When did you finally speak to Mr. Castle, when you went to his residence?"

"I tried, but he was asleep, worn out from all of the details of coming home in a limo, Alexis checked and wouldn't wake him, I don't blame her, and she kind of let me have it."

"Do you think she was justified, in as you say letting you have it? If I recall she is about 18 years old now and in our past conversations has always been protective of her Dad. Can you understand how knowing she almost lost him on three occasions would amplify her protectiveness? Would it be out of the norm for her to expect those who love him to do the same Kate?"

"No, she was justified, I mean I knew they were close; I should have realized just what an impact this event had on her, she's like her Dad, tough on the outside, but I'm sure she was falling apart on the inside. I should have been there for her and Rick."

"Is there any reason you weren't Kate, the late visits to the hospital seem to have relieved you from your guilt, but it did nothing but hurt Mr. Castle and his family and was it true that 8 days had passed since you even spoke to him?"

Tears fell as this time Kate, mumbled, "Yes it's true and I don't know why. I mean all the other times I could say he pushed me, but this time it was I who made the move, who was pushing us into something I thought we both wanted. I think I was afraid that he had changed so much, he didn't love me anymore, and I wasn't prepared for that message."

"Well, I think you are off to a good start in trying to ask for forgiveness, something I know you don't do often, and sometimes I doubt your sincerity. I need to discuss something with you, and this may shatter your core. I'm sorry, I can't give you all the details due to patient-client privilege, but didn't you wonder WHY I am meeting with you today instead of typical Monday hours?"

"Doctor Burke, what are you talking about, you are really beginning to frighten me, and yes, of course, I wondered why we were meeting today, but I thought it was due to your schedule."

"Kate, I have a colleague who is an expert in NDE and she called me last week. It seems we all have one person in common, she is Richard Castle's therapist"

"Do you mean Ava Gupta, yeah I heard about her, she seemed a bit unprofessional with her closeness to Rick, I mean, kissing on the cheek, laughing in a restaurant, I*"

"So your detective friends did indeed tell you about their lunch, and Ava is more than qualified, she doesn't breach the professional line, regardless of her critics, she is dealing with a very sensitive area where only a few people are allowed to know the details, she's able to reach and help several people through her unique style.

"I still think it's unprofessional, for her to sit in Remy's with my boyfriend making goo-goo eyes over burgers and shakes and she did it in OUR booth"

"Your booth Kate was it the booth that you often shared intimate details about each other's lives, that you shared with Mr. Castle your support or was it just a booth where you often went to talk him out of leaving the precinct and staying with you. Kate, you can't keep him on a leash forever without either committing, I mean totally committing or walking away. Unfortunately, there's been an even more difficult situation to deal with"

"Like what Doctor Burke, what could be more dangerous than this?"

"Did you date a heart surgeon by the name of Doctor Joshua Davidson, and if so where and when did you meet him?"

"I don't see how Josh has anything to do with this, but yes we dated, I met him on a Harley Run in upper New York the summer Castle was off frolicking with his ex-wife number two in the Hamptons."

"Were you aware that he was seeing someone when you met?"

"No, he told me he was just off a bad breakup and wanted to take things slow"

"Kate, he was engaged to be married in three months from the day he met you, I'm sorry,"

Kate's face lost all color, she began to shake, and tremble, "No, that can't be, I mean he said, and there was nothing for me to doubt him"

"Did you run a background check on him as you did Mr. Castle, or just take him at his word?"

Kate's eyes fill with tears and now the blood came rushing back she was angry, very angry at Josh, at Castle, at the world.

"I never investigated him Doctor, but how do you know this for fact?" she asked trying to salvage some of her dignity.

"I knew you would want proof, so I asked for and received this from the bride to be, who was jilted when she suffered a heart attack, and nearly died. Look at the name very carefully Kate, it seems we have quite the dilemma" as he thrust a copy and original wedding invitation in front of her to inspect.

Kate looked down, and there it was, in Black and white, with the calligraphy of two names, the first one almost caused her to pass out,

"Doctor Burke is this, eh I mean is she the"

"Kate, she is the therapist treating Richard Castle, the only reason I know this is that she suggested to Mr. Castle perhaps the safest approach to you would be in a co-counseled session with her and me along with you and Mr. Castle, so she contacted me and I agreed"

"Oh my God, I have to face the woman I caused her wedding to be canceled, in order to talk to Rick?"

"Think about it Kate, for now, our two hours has grown to almost four and I do have another appointment"


	12. Chapter 12

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly completely AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

"_**I knew you would want proof, so I asked for and received this from the bride to be, who was jilted when she suffered a heart attack, and nearly died. Look at the name very carefully Kate, it seems we have quite the dilemma" as he thrust a copy and original wedding invitation in front of her to inspect.**_

_**Kate looked down, and there it was, in Black and white, with the calligraphy of two names, the first one almost caused her to pass out, **_

"_**Doctor Burke is this, eh I mean is she the"**_

"_**Kate, she is the therapist treating Richard Castle, the only reason I know this is that she suggested to Mr. Castle perhaps the safest way to approach you would be in a co-counseled session with her and me along with you and Mr. Castle, so she contacted me and I agreed"**_

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**Chapter 12**

**Kate Beckett's Apartment**

**Sunday, 9:14 PM**

Kate had tried everything to keep her mind off of Rick since leaving Doctor Burkes's office, it seemed things just got a lot more complicated, for her. Not only was she dealing with the love of her life that she had mistreated so badly, but he was also being counseled by the woman, the one freaking woman, that Josh had been engaged to when he met her, and she was the cause of his break up with Ava. That brought more guilt than anything, she had never been the one to break up a relationship, usually, it was she that just walked away to avoid hurting someone. When the hell did that change, or did it?

She ran, three times, showered, then took a bath, rearranged her memory chest where she kept every memorabilia of her and Castle in, paperclip chains he made, little doodles, cute notes he had written, the first coffee cup lid she had yelled at him about using her name, she fished it out of the trash and took it home three days later. Several pictures of the two of them, plus some with Roy, and the boys, God she missed him even more now.

Finally, she gave in, pulled her cell phone out and punched in his speed dial number, fully expecting to get his voice mail, but he shocked her when he answered on the third ring,

"How can I help you, Kate, I thought we were taking a few days to sort out our thoughts?"

"I am, I mean we are, but I had a session with Doctor Burke, and found out some things that I think we need to talk about, can I come over, Jordan said you would be home tonight. By the way that was very sweet what you did for her, she couldn't stop talking about you."

"You saw Jordan, When?"

"Yesterday, she explained she was going back to Chicago to relieve you of your babysitting days with her daughter and she and Tom were headed to counseling to see if they could work things out after you talked to him. You still didn't answer my question, can I come over or if it would be easier you could come here, I mean"

"Stop Kate, no you can't come over, I'm not in New York, I'm out of town meeting someone to discuss some business. I'm not sure when I will be home, so like I said we need to sort things out individually before we talk, I'm not ready, and I'm pretty sure you aren't either. I'm glad Doctor Burke is helping you but I really don't think one session is going to fix everything"

"No, I know that, and I agree, it's just that he explained about the idea of group therapy with him and your therapist, Ava Gupta."

"It's Doctor Ava Gupta, Kate, and I'm not sure how Doctor Burke figures into my treatment, Ava deals with a particular portion of counseling, and I would have to talk to her before any group therapy is setup. How does Doctor Burke know her anyway?"

"She called him, I'm guessing it was after one of your sessions, and well he wasn't the same good old doctor as he normally was, he let me know I had screwed up, at your worst possible moment, when you needed those you loved around you, someone you could not only trust but count on to be there, I wasn't that Rick. No one knows it better than me, but now I don't believe you can just stop loving me, not after the love I saw in your eyes that day in the cemetery"

"So, you did remember, I knew you did, why did you lie and send me away so fast when I saw you in the hospital? All you had to say was I heard but I don't feel the same, or I'm not ready or just about anything but what you said. Do you even remember what you told me?"

"Castle?" she started, but he cut her off,

"So, we're back to Castle, yeah well just answer the question Detective, do you remember what you said to me, I sure as hell do"

"I think I said something about the precinct not letting me live it down, Josh was there when you walked in, and it was an uncomfortable moment as he passed you on his way out. I told you I remembered standing on the podium giving the eulogy, then feeling the pain and you on top of me, then everything went black"

"Still didn't answer my question Detective? Do you remember what you said or not?"

"I remember it, Rick, I said that they said somethings are best forgotten but I wasn't talking about what you said to me, those words got me through a long summer, I needed you but I wouldn't let you see me like that"

"Well, I guess I remember the part about forgetting, then finding out two days after you checked out of the hospital, at that time I presumed with Josh, and the famous last words you said do you remember those?"

"Rick, please?" she pleaded with him,

"The question is simple Detective; do you remember what the last thing you said to me was before telling me goodbye?"

"I said I would call you in a couple of days, and I really meant to Rick, I just, everything was so confusing, I was dating Josh, you had told me you loved me, and I hung on to that through the surgery, and could hear your voice in my head, when I wake up I see him, so I doubted, did you even say it or was it me wanting to hear it."

"Didn't you say later you and Josh broke up the same day I visited? If that was true, why was it part of the reason for not calling? It couldn't be like the last time, you were too busy on a case to get me justice you didn't answer my calls, so what was it then Detective?"

"I thought we worked this out before Rick when I came to see you at your book signing and we talked on the swings, why is this an issue now, I'm sorry I know I screwed up, but why bring that up now?"

"Well perhaps it's because I remember you coming to the book signing not to see me, but to get the file I had on the warehouse fire if you didn't need that, would you have come that day Detective? I doubt it, and the sound in your voice tells me you want to sweep the past out of our lives.

I tried, I still try, every single day, but the flashbacks I had when I had my near-death experience played that part of my life over and over, and I wasn't happy how I behaved, how I allowed myself to be used. I'm sorry I deserve better, I had deserved better for a long time, but I was ready to do just about anything to win your love, until that day, like I said I'm not ready to really talk about this,"

"Well can you tell me where you're at Rick, I mean I would love to be part of your life, no matter how hard I have to work to get there."

"I'm in Phoenix Arizona, working on a project with some associates" he replied, more out of courtesy, Rick had never been rude, and still was a gentleman,

"Can I ask the nature of the project Rick, and do I know any of the associates as I said, I want to be part of your life, no matter where life takes you. I know things have changed, I understand you feel differently but I don't, I love you, damn it Rick I love you and have for years." Her tears come no matter how hard she tried to hold back or hide from him.

"I'm meeting Ava and three businessmen local to the area to discuss a concept, that's all I'm going to say now, it's too early for anything else."

"You're meeting Ava, Rick, do you know the backstory of her and how s*"

"You mean do I know if she was engaged to Josh, had a near-fatal heart attack, and while on a Harley run as she lay near death, Doctor Wonderful met and made a move on you, yeah I know about that"

"Rick, I didn't know anything about it until Doctor Burke told me earlier, I mean, I never knew he was dating anyone, he told me he was just off a bad breakup and wanted to take things slow."

"And of course, you took him at his word, didn't bother to run even a cursory background check, not like you ran a complete investigation on my past. Somehow you missed the reasons why I was divorced, although it was public record of why, just like it was public record that JD Davidson, MD was engaged to be married in three months to fellow doctor, heart fellow Dr. Ava Gupta, that just slipped right through the investigation of New York's finest."

"Rick, please I know I didn't do things the way I should, but can we please just start from the day I told you I love you, please?"

"You mean the day I woke up to you kissing me, with my last memory of you was when you told me I was so full of myself when I alerted you to the bank robbery, and before that you threatened to shoot me, repeatedly? Things have changed, I wish I could get you to understand that, I'm not the same man, not willing to settle, not willing to be treated like I was.

I have no idea what purpose I am supposed to fill with my life, but I know for Damn sure, it's not chasing a Detective around all of New York, praying she would notice me, just once. Sorry Detective, those days are over, I am living my life one day at a time now, and as I said perhaps there is something still there for us, I will need to work things out, and so will you. You read a lot, I'm sure you've read Carrie Bradshaw's famous quote, '_**Maybe you will have to let go of who you were to become who you will be,**_ 'well that sums it up pretty well, perhaps you should speak to Doctor Burke about that part of your life.

I've told you, more than once, I'm not ready to talk, yet here we are, I am telling you things I am sure that hurt you, believe me, that's not my intent, it's just that my priorities have changed, I am number one now Kate, you no longer are, regardless of how things work out. Now I have work to do to prepare for my meetings,"

"You mean meeting with Ava" Kate knew the minute she said it, she would regret it,

She didn't get a response from Rick, he didn't deny or confirm, he just said, "Goodbye Detective" and hung up on her, something he wouldn't have even thought about a few short weeks ago. Goodbye, he never said Goodbye, it was always, until tomorrow, now he told her she was no longer his number one, but where was she did she even make the top 5. She flung herself across her bed, feeling more depressed than before she had talked to him, it looked like just when she had the courage to tell him, he found the courage to adjust his standards. When he said he was done chasing her around New York, trying to get her to notice him, his calling was much higher now, her heart broke, those were words that told her Goodbye more than the formal ending of the call, she had killed the only true love she had ever found.

Xx

**Phoenix Palomar Luxury Hotel**

**Monday 8:00 AM**

Rick had been up, used the gym and even ventured for a run outside the grounds of his favorite hotel in Phoenix. He had found it when previously a chain hotel lost his reservation while on a tour, and Paula sent him to this lovely complex, he never stayed anywhere else since. He had just finished the coffee sent to his room earlier when the phone in his room rang.

"Richard Castle"

"Is it really, can I have your autograph my Grandmother is in love with you", came the voice on the other end, almost fooling Rick until he caught the accent on the word Luv and knew it was Ava, pranking him.

"Gee, let me check with my therapist, she might not approve of a situation with an older lady, she's already called me a dirty old man"

"You take that back Richard Castle, I never said such a thing, and then realized she busted herself, and started laughing, "Good Morning Rick, how are you"

Rick started the payback, "I'm sorry who is this? Ava? Ava who? No Sorry, don't know any Ava,"

"Rick come on, you know who I am, don't make me come up there", as she was getting frustrated,

"I'm sorry Ava, it was just too good an opportunity to miss, and besides you started it," he laughed,

"OK, I accept your apology, what are you doing now, ready for breakfast or did you just roll out of bed"

"I've been up for hours, the time zone difference, so you want to meet for breakfast?"

"That would be nice, I'll be up in 15 minutes so order me something good, cheers" as her bubbly voice disconnected from the line,

After last night, Kate's call, and reviewing the topic at hand, Ava's cheery sense of humor was exactly what he needed today.

Rick obeyed and 15 minutes later a knock on the door signaled room service was indeed there, as he opened the door, he barely caught sight of the streaking female who ran to him and hugged him.

"How are you Rick, I know you found out about the call with Dr. Burke, but let's talk, please? I hope you're not angry with me"

"To quote someone I care about and respect, angry because you cared, not on your life, Thanks Ava, I know you are looking out for me, I trust you completely."

"Well, I see you ordered enough food for an army, so why don't we eat," Rick noticed her tears and discretely handed her his handkerchief to wipe her eyes, then noticed the tears were now replaced with her smile, the one that could light an entire room,

As they finished the breakfast, Ava was talking and then noticed Rick staring out the window,

"Rick, want to talk about something, hopefully, it wasn't me but if it was, let's talk, please?"

He turned and all of the color was out of his face as he said, "Kate called last night"

Ava put her hand over her mouth and just said, "I see, we do need to talk ***"

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly completely AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

_**I have no idea what purpose I am supposed to fill with my life, but I know for Damn sure, it's not chasing a Detective around all of New York, praying she would notice me, just once. Sorry Detective, those days are over, I am living my life one day at a time now, and as I said perhaps there is something still there for us, I will need to work things out, and so will you. You read a lot, I'm sure you've read Carrie Bradshaw's famous quote, '**__**Maybe you will have to let go of who you were to become who you will be,**__** 'well that sums it up pretty well, perhaps you should speak to Doctor Burke about that part of your life.**_

_**I've told you, more than once, I'm not ready to talk, yet here we are, I am telling you things I am sure that hurt you, believe me, that's not my intent, it's just that my priorities have changed, I am number one Kate, you no longer are, regardless of how things work out. Now I have work to do to prepare for my meetings,"**_

"_**You mean meeting with Ava" Kate knew the minute she said it, she would regret it,**_

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**Chapter 13**

_**A/N **__**Thanks for all of your reviews, private messages, and inspiration, all greatly appreciated. As you probably have figured out, there is more than one person going through a Life Reassessment, Kate who badly needs one, hopefully, she will yield to professional help to save Caskett, and even Ava is also going through a series of events that will shape her life. Tom and Jordan are over the crisis that could have ended a marriage not as strong, once again, re-evaluating the important things in one's life brings them closer not apart,**_

_**Got some great guest reviews, as well as the typical spam, to the one, Have no clue what Sex and the City you are referencing to, I never watched that show. Thanks for your read even though your reviews won't be posted till they are relevant to the story. Happy Thanksgiving All in the USA who celebrate, updates may be sporadic for a few weeks, **__**Tim**_

**Phoenix Palomar Luxury Hotel**

**Monday 9:15 AM**

There was an uncomfortable silence that fell over the room, perhaps for the first time since they had met. Ava was approaching the situation carefully, she knew the love that Rick had for Kate, and also, she had to be mindful of her professional standards, regardless of how much she just wanted to hold him and tell him things would be OK, she just couldn't. Finally, almost ten minutes had passed, and she cautiously said,

"Rick, do you even want to talk about her call or is that something you're not prepared for yet. I understand I came here to help kick off the project we've been discussing, but if you need or want to talk even as a friend, I'm here. Please just tell me what capacity I should be acting in; I'm struggling to remain professional with someone I care about as a decent and loving human whose heart is breaking.

I love you, Rick, you know that, but ours is a professional love if you will, only wanting the best for each other, never even considering physical attraction to each other. I know your association with my past and the hurt you know I felt, may have clouded your feelings for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that you care enough to wonder how you can help me, but you need to focus on how you can fix yourself, and if there's anything that can save the relationship with someone you obviously love with all your heart. If that makes you uncomfortable with me as your therapist, I understand, I'll arrange a colleague to assist you if you wish."

Rick turned to look at her, and asked very quietly, "Ava, do you want me to work with someone else? Does this bring up the past every time we meet or talk because if it rehashes old wounds I would understand."

"Rick, please don't give that jackass Davidson more credit than he is due. He did me a huge favor, doing what he did, I really don't even know why I said yes when he asked, I think I was lonely, being in New York, the hours of a Fellow in the Cardiology Department, so I thought heck we have that in common.

What I didn't figure on was being cheated on, it never entered my mind, and I had never experienced it before. I think the act of betrayal hurt more than not seeing that smug jackass's face." She laughed as she patted Rick's hand."

"So, you are OK working with me, I mean I don't want you to hurt or be reminded of bad memories,"

"Rick, I'm fine, let's worry about you, how about that for a change, I know you care a great deal, but you need to draw a line, just like I do, one side is Ava, friend, the other is Dr. Gupta, Deal?"

Rick smiled, "Yeah, I can do that, I thought you were going to leave me because of that asshole, it was typical he screwed my life up once so I thought here it comes again, I'm sorry, I should have talked to you about it."

"Yes, you should, and Rick, as much as I love it, while you are a patient, you fight for you and Kate, let me fight my battles, I can handle it, I promise you."

They discussed the call with Kate, Ava paying close attention to Rick's body language as well as his voice inflection. To her trained ear, he was more curious, than hurt, he had asked why she did some things, never getting a full answer, or at least an answer to satisfy him. There had been hurt, a great deal of it, but Rick was truly changed by the NDE, and now all he wanted to concentrate on was finding a purpose to pay it forward.

He admitted still loving Kate, but he ranked her low, at least in her professional opinion for a potential long-term partner. He had ranked his Daughter as the first priority, the second was his Mother, next was his cause as he was labeling it, why he was still here, what he could do to make the world better, and then he ranked Kate next. Typically, potential life partners were second if not first in these rankings, but Rick had been very eloquent in his explanation.

"Ava, I see you have a question about the rankings, why don't you just ask me, does that sound familiar," and he was back that smile that she loved, and it totally relaxed her to ask the difficult questions.

"You know you can be a real smartass Mr. Castle, but yes I do have a question, I know you love Kate, you worshiped her would have been a more accurate term pre NDE but now, you profess love for her, but rank her lower than what I or other professionals would expect, any reason you would like to discuss?"

"Well, I agree, before the NDE, I think I would have almost sold my soul for Kate's love, but after it, I realized that life isn't about me, or the individual, it's what you leave behind that matters more than what you accumulate. Alexis has always been the love of my life, I knew if I met my soul mate, I would have to drop her down, because, she will find her husband someday, and he will become her go-to guy, it's all natural. I always thought of Kate as right above Alexis, but now, I'm not sure anymore that the good can outweigh the hurt she's inflicted.

I've forgiven her, but forgetting is going to be very hard, especially when she's the feature of my flashbacks that still run through my mind. I don't know if that will ever end, but I have to be realistic, there comes a point where you say enough, and I think as the fishermen say, fish or cut bait. How long? How long do you hold on before you let go and move on? She's professing love now, then goes back to doing what she was doing before, not a hearty endorsement for things to come.

I knew she came with baggage, hell we all do, but she's turned her Mother's case from one seeking justice, to a revenge campaign, and there's little else that she thinks is as important as that case. I played second, make that 4 or 5th fiddle to that long enough, so no, I don't hold out much hope for Kate to find her new path."

"It's interesting you say that Rick, yet you're willing to undergo group therapy with us, is there a reason for that, I know you love my company, but seriously I do have other patients I can bill," she laughs

"Who's the smartass now Counselor, he smiles, well if I were to look back on my life one day I don't want to leave any stone unturned, no regrets, I guess I'm saying if I gave it my all, and it didn't work, I have nothing to be sad about, move on to the next challenge.

Xx

Two hours later they were meeting three prominent individuals from the city of Phoenix, to discuss a matter close to Rick's heart. He had spoken at length with Alexis about what would be a worthwhile cause, especially for young ladies who perhaps had gotten off to a rough start in life, to help turn their lives around. The project Alexis proudly named **A New Horizon**, (meaning the sun will shine again). Rather than limit it to one cause, drugs, alcohol, or abuse it would be open to ANY one who could prove hardship and adhere to the program regulations, including random drug testing.

Rick was very proud of his daughter, even more, when he found out she contributed $100,000 from her personal savings, in honor of her father. He teared up when Ava read the pledge, "I'm sure this small donation will be eclipsed by many others, but as a young lady whose father insured, she enjoyed every opportunity in life, it is in his honor, that I pledge this donation.

Dad always taught me that we weren't rich, just more fortunate than others, and it was our duty to share with them. He related when he was small, often this was the only source that enabled him and Grams being able to eat, a thought that still haunts him today for his fellow man.

My Dad almost was taken from me, through no fault of his own, merely trying to protect others, and with his second chance, he is dedicating his efforts to leave behind more than what he has earned. I've always been proud of Daddy, but never more than I am now, I love you Dad, you raised me by yourself, and to me, you were, are, and forever will be all I will ever need as a parent."

Rick dabbed at his eyes, as some of the others, all men, looked away to wipe their own, then the agenda was read before a captive audience. The Why, Where, How and When were major topics of discussion. Alexis had pretty well covered the why, all of us need to remember those who are less fortunate than us, the where was intriguing to the group. Once again Alexis, along with Ava did research of the greatest potential shortfalls in assistance to all of the causes, and Phoenix was in the top bracket of all of the causes.

The how was being discussed at this meeting, along with donations such as Alexis's the project would also need a big influx of cash from prominent businessmen who would step up and take on the philanthropy cause. From the response to Ava's reading, it appeared the correct subgroup of businessmen were present.

In addition to private and public donations, Rick had reached an agreement with Black Pawn to publish a new novel he had almost completed, titled **_One More Day, My Second Chance at Life_**. All proceeds would go to the foundation, Rick's lawyers had already completed the paperwork to form a legal entity, and Ava had worked with professionals with expertise in each area, all willing to provide their skills free of charge.

"Gentlemen, you are probably asking yourself, why am I here, I could have mailed a check, which you are correct you could have, but, I ask you to watch this slide presentation, as you ponder one question, Will you step up and make a difference in these lives? If your answer is yes, Congratulations you, along with myself and Ava, are the first Board of Directors for A New Horizon LLC. Our task to conclude today is to ratify our bylaws and set meeting schedules. Please watch" Rick asked in a very sincere voice, ***

Twenty-two minutes later the men all agreed to not only serve on the board but also start the donations with one million dollars each, as well as a donated parcel of land, over three acres to build the needed facilities. The meeting concluded with Ava, Rick and two of the businessmen, fighting back tears, it was happening and with Rick's contacts along with the three most powerful men in Phoenix, were off to a fantastic start. The only request the three men made, was to remain anonymous in their gifts, they proudly took pictures with Rick and Ava as the charter Board of Directors.

The press sensed something was up when their sources identified the lunch attendees and were hurriedly assembled for a press conference, which was started by Mr. Mayor, Greg Stanton himself. His remarks were brief, he then introduced Rick and Ava who played off each other's thoughts, almost like the days he built theory with Beckett, they were so in sync. After a short question and answer period, the press was supplied with Paula Haas's contact information who would serve as the Press Agent for the organization. Her reputation was well known and kept the reporters on their best behavior.

It wasn't lost on the cameras although the body language of Rick and Ava, she stood indented in his side with his arm around her, or hers around him the entire time. The looks between the two also showed a deep amount of respect, or perhaps something deeper, it all depended on the audience's interpretation. The press conference was covered in New York live since TMZ was one of Rick's outlets that worked well with Paula.

Kate was in the bullpen, reviewing the last case notes when she heard,

"Hey, there's Rick, on the TV, turn the volume up" Detective Hastings exclaimed,

Javi turned the volume up and there was Rick and Ava standing as close as two could be, without merging, and answering questions.

Kate felt ill, when Javi asked, "Kate, hey you OK, it's just a press conference, another of Rick's projects don't read anything into it."

"I know Javi, thanks I'm fine" she lied,

When the cameras panned out and she could see their arms around each other, was when she bolted for the ladies' room,

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly completely AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

_**It wasn't lost on the cameras although the body language of Rick and Ava, she stood indented in his side with his arm around her, or hers around him the entire time. The looks between the two also showed a deep amount of respect, or perhaps something deeper, it all depended on the audience's interpretation. The press conference was covered in New York live since TMZ was one of Rick's outlets that worked well with Paula.**_

_**Kate was in the bullpen, reviewing the last case notes when she heard,**_

"_**Hey, there's Rick, on the TV, turn the volume up" Detective Hastings exclaimed,**_

_**Javi turned the volume up and there were Rick and Ava standing as close as two could be, without merging, and answering questions. **_

_**Kate felt ill, when Javi asked, "Kate, hey you OK, it's just a press conference, another of Rick's projects don't read anything into it."**_

"_**I know Javi, thanks I'm fine" she lied, **_

_**When the cameras panned out and she could see their arms around each other, was when she bolted for the ladies' room, **_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 14**

**Phoenix Arizona,**

**Next Day, KNXV TV Studio**

**9:00 AM**

Paula had hit the ground running with the publicity campaign, arraigning a series of interviews on the local channels, explaining the _**A New Horizon project,**_ and the details of how to contribute or sign up for services. Rick had fronted his own money for the organization to start screening applicants, even though the facilities were still in the design phase.

Ginny Cintron was an attractive lady in her mid-30's co-hosted an early show with her partner, Bruce Edwards, both born and raised in the area. As they were getting makeup applied before air time, Ginny asked Ava directly,

"So, is there anything between you and Mr. Castle, I mean we hear rumors yes, then no, so what's the scoop?"

"Well Ginny, is there interest from you? Should I be worried, **IF** I were his lady?" Ava shot back, bringing a flush to her host's face.

"Well, you know he's attractive, rich, famous, and with this work, almost has his angel wings already. What woman wouldn't want him?"

"Ava smiled, you really would be surprised Ginny, but to answer your question, I love Rick, but as a friend and patient, my oath keeps me from crossing the line, but hearing you put it in words out loud makes me wonder if I should go for it." She laughed, leaving the host more confused than ever.

Rick was getting drilled with similar questions from the male part of the team in makeup,

"Come on Rick, you can't tell me that as beautiful and intelligent as she is, she doesn't light the fires within,"

"I never said that, Bruce, you asked if anything was I think you said quote banging the headboards, which in the first place, I would never tell you anyway and second, if you are inquiring about my sex life, it's a personal matter, how about yours and Ginny, ever get the fires stoked, she's hot,"

"Rick I'm sure you know I'm married,"

"Not what I asked, any fires ever stoked?" Rick laughed,

"See what it's like, not so much fun is it, "as Bruce fumbled with his suit coat preparing to go on the air.

Xx

They were seated on a couch across from the hosts, Ginny and Bruce, and after the normal good morning greetings, and teases of special guests, a commercial break, makeup touchup, they were ready to be introduced. Neither Rick or Ava ever considered just how close they were sitting to each other, it didn't mean anything to them, so why think about it. That wasn't the response to a lot of viewers who were calling in asking if they were an item, not about the project.

Rick took charge, and told Bruce during a break to screen the calls or cut them off completely, it was distracting from what their purpose was.

The comment that sent them into a commercial break, was, _**"For friends, you guys sure have great chemistry, you even finish each other's sentences, were you even aware of that. You make a great couple.**" _one caller had remarked. Eva knew it upset Rick but not why, but when they returned from commercial break, he was back to himself again.

Rick had already purchased billboard signs on the buses than traveled throughout metro Phenix to announce _**"It's Coming, A New Horizon" if you or someone you know needs help call now, staff are standing by. 555-555-2355, your call will be answered by a human. **_

The remainder of the interview went smoothly, well if you didn't count Ginny throwing herself completely at a guest, her skirt kept rising higher to show more and more of her toned legs. It was almost comical when Rick stood, shook her hand and thanked them both for having them on and raising awareness, her face seemed to deflate like a kid's birthday balloon caught on a tree branch. Eva knew that something had struck Rick, she was almost certain it was about his relationship with Kate, but she decided to let him talk at his own pace. For one of the few times between them, once again silence as they rode in the limo back to the hotel, both lost in their own thoughts.

Xx

**New York**

**12****th**** Precinct, 12:00 Noon, EST, **

**9:00 AM Phoenix Time**

The news conference was picked up in its entirety, Paula had connections, guess she knew a guy too, and it was greeted with applause by the police officers of the 12th as they gathered in the break room to hear and see one of their own, well almost one of theirs. Kate Beckett watched with keen interest, she knew the professional relationship between Rick and Ava, but could there be a personal one as well? That wouldn't be ethical, but since when did love reference right or wrong in a book of the law.

Kevin was on one side of Kate, Javi on the other as they all listened to the interview, Rick's new cause, and why Phoenix was chosen rather than New York. Rick had justified that the city met all of the criteria, but Kate knew, it was part of his plan to ease out of her life, she was beginning to see the end was surely in sight for any possibility of them ever being more than friends, if she were lucky enough to even hold on to that status.

There were comments from the men about how hot the female interviewer was, quickly reminded that she had a name, Ginny, by Roz and Ann Hastings, the newest detective in homicide. It wasn't lost on Kate that Ginny was certainly flirting with Rick, who remained strictly business.

He explained that his daughter had been a big part of the new project and that along with Ava, they searched for something that would benefit the most chronic ailments impacting young people, even in cities whose budgets were much higher.

Ava spoke passionately about, it not being a check, but proving to the victims that you cared, you really gave a damn if they lived or died. She looked longingly into Rick's eyes and said, "The people of Phoenix are very lucky to have Rick Castle choose their city to kick this project off, one he hopes to see go National before as he puts it, completes his bucket list. I, as well as many hopes that day is a long way off, but Rick is passionate about this project, as are all others involved, myself included."

"Geez, why don't you just crawl into his lap, can you get any closer, look at the way she's looking at him, yep, they're doing more than raising funds" were just some of the comments Kate heard from her co-workers, before the caller mentioned their chemistry and completing each other's sentences. Javi and Kevin looked at each other, knowing this was killing Kate but helpless because it was true, they had just demonstrated it in the interview.

Kate made it through most of the interview before she got up to answer her desk phone that wasn't ringing, any excuse to get away from having to watch your world implode before you.

Javi pulled out his cell phone and called Lanie.

"Chica did you see Rick's interview, Yeah, I know, I don't know if he's doing the deed with her, it doesn't matter what I think, but Kate is hurting bad, you may want to pull her out for some lunch. She's not even able to hide it anymore, yeah, great, thanks, I can't answer that, Kevin is standing right beside me, call you later"

A few minutes later the boys watched as Lanie pulled a reluctant Kate out to lunch, she had that scowl that meant she wasn't backing down, and finally, Kate gave in.

"What do you think Kev, is he really with that chick?" Javi looked angry,

"Well if he is Javi, it's none of our business, she kept him on a leash until he finally broke free. I'm not going through what we did when he came back from the Hamptons after taking Gina, I almost killed him, things could have really gone south. Then we find out she dumped Deming before Gina showed up, and didn't tell Rick, how the hell was he supposed to know. Nope, this time I'm out, let her and Rick work it out or end it."

"What do you mean, none of our business, Beckett's one of us, I thought Castle was as well, but he sure as hell isn't acting like it"

"How do you know Javi, what's between Beckett and Castle is their business, I don't care how much inside info Lanie feeds you, leave me out of this, I have enough headaches."

"But Kevin, *"

"Don't but Kevin me, Javi, mind your own business, Beckett isn't your sister or your girlfriend so wait for her to ask for help. DON'T pull that macho Special Forces crap on Rick, he's not the marshmallow you think he is, did you see his arms?"

"I can take him, Kevin, no way in the world I would lose to writer boy, you could bet the house on it, not going more than three minutes," Javi boasted,

"You sure about that Javi?" as Kevin fiddled with his phone, and brought up a video, my buddy from the 56th sent me this, I guess Rick didn't want anyone to see it but someone in the bar grabbed this video. It proceeded to show some guy say something to a lady standing at the bar, she turned to Rick, who was calm in his response, slowly sliding the young lady to his opposite side.

The man said something, and in less than a second, Rick had his arms behind him banging his head on the bar, kicking his partner in the jewels as he tried to come up from behind, then turning and waiting for a man who resembled more of a statue than a man take a swing, and in a second he was on the floor holding a broken arm, Rick wiped his hands on his handkerchief, dropped some cash on the bar, and escorted the lady out of the bar.

He asked the cops there to keep it under wraps as a courtesy, which they did, well until one left his phone unlocked and his girlfriend shared it. It's all over social media now, so you might want to rethink that Sargent Esposito. You could come up with what you want on your headstone if you're stupid and cocky enough to go after him. Rick doesn't like you anyway, I wouldn't give him any excuses to kick your ass."

Kevin walked away, leaving Javi with his mouth open stunned at what he had just witnessed.

Xx

Lanie and Kate didn't want to face the noise from the normal Cop crowd at Remy's so they walked down two blocks to Reubens Sandwich shop, and ordered the special, of course, a Reuben sandwich. They split it because it was just too much for one adult, except maybe Rick in the old days. The looks of him now showed a completely different picture, buff, and trim, body definition, that caught the ladies of any age group's eye.

"So, Kate you want to tell me what the hell is going on, one minute you're at Ricks 24/7 and took almost 3 weeks leave, and today we see the young lady glued to his side, what gives?"

"Well, you're consistent Lanie right to the point, the lady's name is Ava Gupta, actually Doctor Ava Gupta, Rick's therapist specializing in Near-Death Experiences. He thinks a great deal of her, and she has helped him a lot"

"If you mean helped herself to your boyfriend, I would agree Kate, what the hell is going on between you two. He loved you, make that worshiped the ground you walked on, and now you barely talk about him."

"I screwed up big time Lanie, I ignored one of his text messages, then he called, twice, both times I was too busy at the crime scene to take them, even listen to his voice mails. I went to the hospital that night and found out he was discharged, that's why he was calling. Alexis is furious that he had to take the car service home, after having his personal shopper bring him a change of clothes. I hadn't thought but those he was wearing were destroyed in the bomb blast, plus he had lost twenty pounds."

"How did you find this out, Kate, don't tell me you went to the loft, please?"

"I did, it was about 9:30 PM, maybe a few minutes later, but Alexis, as I said, was furious, and who can blame her. She checked, her Dad was asleep and she wouldn't wake him, he had stopped and had his prescriptions filled, picked up the remainder of his wardrobe, and came home all alone in the car service."

"Oh Kate, you didn't. Why?"

"I know Lanie, I know, I should have answered the damn phone, better than that I should have taken time and gone to the hospital when he was still awake, he was hurt that we hadn't talked, or that I wasn't updated on his condition for 8 days. I know how he must have felt, he wakes up with me making all kinds of professions of love, and then I can't even answer his calls, God what a mess"

"Well, when did you talk to him, how?"

Kate looked down, shame-filled her eyes, as she said, "I wrote a letter to Rick, and had Eduardo deliver it the next day when I ran towards the loft."

"You always run towards my place, you never run that way Kate, why the change and what time of day was this?" Lanie was really pressing for the details,

"It was 5:30 AM, Eduardo had just arrived, anyhow he knew Alexis and Martha weren't happy with me, so as soon as they both left, he took the letter to Rick, and he called me. I was so shocked, I almost died, he called but it wasn't the Rick you remember Lanie, he took me to task for coming to see him when I knew he would be asleep.

"He even asked if those visits were for him, or to relieve my own guilt, and he was spot on, I was delaying my visits, and he called me on it, saying that one foot out the door wasn't the type of relationship he was interested in, so if that's what I had in mind, no thanks"

"Wow Kate, that doesn't sound like Rick, not at all."

"Well you haven't heard the bad part yet"

"What the hell do you mean Bad Part, what the hell was this, it gets worse?"

"Rick was scheduled to see the lady you saw on TV, her name is Doctor Ava Gupta, a psychologist specializing in Near Death Experiences, she has a unique style apparently"

"You Think?" Lanie's eyes were wide and now she was waiting on pins and needles,

"Well do you remember when I told you I met Josh; we were both on that Harley Run in upper New York"

"Yeah, it was sickening how you went on and on about Dr. Marvelous, it sounded like the man walked on water, what does Doctor MB have to do with anything."

"Well, apparently the reason Ava Gupta is a doctor of psychology was she had a heart attack while a Cardiology Fellow at the hospital, and had two near-death experiences,"

Lanie jumped in as usual, "So Josh saved her, or something like that, right?"

"Not even close, he left her in the hospital to go on the Bike Run, but worse she was his fiancé and they were scheduled to be married in three months."

"That slime ball Son of a Bitch, if I see him again, I'll remove parts of his anatomy that matches his personality, the Dick. How did you take the news Kate, I mean it had to be a shock?"

"It was, although I don't think Castle believed me when I told him Josh told me he was just off of a bad breakup and wanted to take things slow."

"Would you Kate, hell you were sleeping with him within two weeks, and letting everyone know about it, really rubbing it in Castle's face, why you thought you had to do that, I still don't understand. All he ever did was try to help you, try to be there for you when you needed him, without thanks and he certainly didn't deserve this"

Kate hung her head knowing everything her best friend was saying was true, but to have her actions verbally retraced, hurt her, God only knew what they had done to Rick,

Lanie could see she almost had her friend in tears so she backed off a bit, "So where are you and Rick, you said he called you after he got your letter, what's your status now., Better?"

"Well he let me have it, I had pitched a bit of a jealous fit and spent the night on the chair the night Jordan Shaw had brought him Remy's burgers, I smelled her perfume, and got jealous. He was pissed and told me she was moving to the loft. He didn't ask, didn't care what I thought, just told me. He told me on the call we needed to take some time away and see what we both wanted, and I felt him pulling away.

"He flew to Chicago and brokered Jordan and her husband's reunion, then I called him again, but he was in Phoenix, I guess you saw the call on the TV and got the reason why, and who he was with. I mean I know I screwed up, but it's almost like he wants to hurt me as I hurt him, I mean*"

"Stop right there Kate, that's a lie you're telling yourself because you see him completing thoughts and sentences with someone other than you, you see the real smile, yeah we all know the difference Kate, he's our friend too, and what he's taking on is not a small task. He's already got millions invested, and to write a book, about himself for the world to see, I won't sit here and listen to you whine about poor you, I'm sorry."

"You picked up on that as well Lanie, they completed each other's sentences, like we used to do, well, I guess I owe him space if nothing else. I asked Doctor Burke about joint counseling, he won't come alone, or leave Ava's side, she's the one he trusts, she has his confidence, she's been there for him, so now I wait and see if we can work that out"

"I'm sorry Kate, I really am, but how many times did we all warn you, how many times do you think a man, any man would stick around. Hell, Rick is rich, good looking, and a hell of a catch, who would be fool enough to throw him away?" The words were out before she realized, she had just described her friend,

Kate's tears began to fall, she quietly said "What fool Lanie, that would be me"

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly completely AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

"_**Well, you're consistent Lanie right to the point, the lady's name is Ava Gupta, actually Doctor Ava Gupta, Rick's therapist specializing in Near-Death Experiences. He thinks a great deal of her, and she has helped him a lot"**_

"_**If you mean helped herself to your boyfriend, I would agree Kate, what the hell is going on between you two. He loved you, make that worshiped the ground you walked on, and now you barely talk about him."**_

"_**I screwed up big time Lanie, I ignored one of his text messages, then he called, twice, both times I was too busy at the crime scene to take them, even listen to his voice mails. I went to the hospital that night and found out he was discharged, that's why he was calling. Alexis is furious that he had to take the car service home, after having his personal shopper bring him a change of clothes. I hadn't thought but his were destroyed in the bomb blast, plus he had lost twenty pounds."**_

"_**How did you find this out, Kate, don't tell me you went to the loft, please?"**_

"_**I did, it was about 9:30 PM, maybe a few minutes later, but Alexis, as I said, was furious, and who can blame her. She checked, her Dad was asleep and she wouldn't wake him, he had stopped and had his prescriptions filled, picked up the remainder of his wardrobe, and came home all alone in the car service."**_

"_**Oh Kate, you didn't. Why?"**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 15**

**1:15 PM Limo in route to Hotel Phoenix Palomar **

Rick hadn't said a word since leaving the studio, outside of the polite Thank You and Goodbyes to the hosts, he seemed unfazed by Ginny's repeated attempts to get him to notice her. The caller's remark about how they finished each other's sentences, seemed to have been the impetus to the change in his moods. Ava knew it had something to do with Kate, but she also knew the pain she saw in his eyes, he needed to deal with it internally before he could express anything to her. All she could do was pat his hand in reassurance she was there, right beside him, ready for him to reach out.

Rick stared out the window, hoping, wishing for Ava to break the silence, the longer they drove the more awkward it was becoming. He realized that he shouldn't be thinking about Kate, not when the caller had no idea, Ava for that matter hadn't dug that deep into his relationship with Kate to conclude that the caller was indeed correct. He knew Ava picked up on his change, she was a trained professional, of course, she detected changes in his behavior.

He started to say something, but his voice wouldn't come, a few minutes later he tried again, and finally, he took Ava's hand, she turned and locked on his eyes, all he could get out was,

"Ava I'm sorry, so sorry"

"Sorry for what Rick, just talk to me, I'm right here, nothing is going to hurt you or me, we're friends, right?"

She looked deep into his eyes and could almost feel the pain as he must be trying to select the words to say, ever mindful of her feelings, till finally, she heard,

"You know that caller that said we completed each other's statements, it was the first time I noticed it, and the only other person I have been that close to, trusted that much was Kate. We completed thoughts, sentences, even lines of investigation for almost three years, so I know she was aware of the hurt she was causing. I wasn't brave enough then, but all I want to ask now, is WHY?"

"Thank You, Rick, I knew it was something painful, sometimes I need to know when to stay silent, as much as when to talk, you needed to get this out. I can't answer that question, I doubt if Kate even being truthful can explain why she did things. She may have had motives to reach an end, but that's something you two need to discuss, why I think couples' therapy is the best idea."

She watched almost a look of panic come over his face, his hand got clammy, and small beads of sweat broke out on his forehead, "Ava, I'm not sure I could see her face to face, not yet, besides we have a ton of work to do out here, at least for a couple of months before I would consider turning it over to our team leaders."

"I know Rick, no one is asking you to leave **A New Horizon**, not now, not ever, that's your choice and you will know when to move on, no one will have to tell you. Doctor Burke and I have discussed possibly a video call between us all, at least to see if it adds any value, or if we should pursue separate tracks till schedules allow a face to face. You don't have to face her Rick, not alone, I'll be here for you like I promised, whenever you need me"

His face relaxes and his eyes lock on hers, "Thanks Ava, I'm sorry, I mean I should be stronger than this, Hell, I've done a lot of worse things, but I don't know why this scares me so much"

"It's because you've changed Rick, you don't want to get sucked back into the old life, you have a purpose, a reason to live now, not just go through the motions, I know, I have some of the same fears. It's normal, and I wouldn't tell you that if it weren't true."

"Am I holding you back or depriving of your purpose now Ava, I mean I love this relationship, a best friend, a therapist, and a confidant, but if I'm in your way, we can work something out, I me*"

She took one finger, placed it across his lips to silence him, then said as she looked into his eyes, "Rick, you're not holding me back from anything, you are my purpose or at least part of it with my other patients. This is why I became a therapist, to help others, so let me help you, please?"

The look of relief on his face was almost as if the sun had come from behind a dark cloud,

"Ava, we do need to talk about something else, this has been selfish of me, and I'm so sorry," he said so sincerely,

This time it was Ava's face that filled with concern, "What is it, Rick?"

"What do you want to do for lunch, fighting Ginny's advances off all morning made me hungry," and there was the smile, the real one back as Ava smacked him.

"I thought I had hurt your feelings, you dufus, that was mean" she laughed, "She did throw herself at you pretty obviously didn't she"

"You think? The last time I turned away I could tell her panties didn't match her bra, and I definitely wasn't interested." He laughed,

"Rick, this talk today did raise a subject we do need to discuss, you know I love you, you're my best friend, I'm closer to you than I've allowed myself to be to anyone since the illness, I know what I want from this relationship, but do you?"

"Ava, if you're asking me if I thought I had a snowball's chance in hell to be anything more than what you described as our special friendship, the answer is no. First, you're working with me trying to get over, or back to the woman who crushed my heart, and dealing with the NDE flashbacks, so where does that leave you? What about you, do you ever want love since the SOB did what I still want to kill him for? When do you have time for you?"

She smiled, "You know, people tell me I'm unprofessional, the hugs, kisses on the cheek, but when things work like this, I know someday you won't need a therapist, but hopefully you'll still want my friendship. That Rick is more valuable to me than all the riches I could count, my methods work. They may not be by the textbook and are often criticized, but I have never led anyone on that I wanted more than what we have, and I'm so happy my friend feels the same way about me as I do him."

"I noticed you danced around my question friend, what's in the cards for you, do you want to love again, or is that too personal or raw for me to ask?"

"Would I like to find a great guy, hopefully not referred to me as a patient like someone I know, would I like the American dream, white picket fence, couple of kids, maybe a dog, yeah Rick, I want that, but I don't want it more than I want my practice for now. If I started up with anyone, I would be fighting the priorities that Kate is fighting, a constant battle, job or love, and it's something I'm not ready to do. I've seen the hurt it causes, no matter what choice you make, there's heartbreak."

Rick was quiet for a second, Ava began to worry the Kate reference did more damage to his fragile psyche than she thought it might, then he turned to her, tears pooling in his eyes,

"You know, you can have it both, you just have to be open and honest with your partner, and agree to terms before one gets hurt, perhaps even a contract of agreement between you and he, to assure you're on the same page. Kate went 180 degrees on me, there were times I thought she might care some, but to wake to have her push the relationship, it was unnerving, and as you say, she hadn't thought about the priorities of both love and job, she just acted."

"Rick, that's a very valid point and I want you to tell Kate exactly that when you speak to her. Doctor Burke said she is spiraling so in fairness, we should have the call as soon as possible, May I set it up Rick? Remember she's in New York, I'll be right here with you, and Doctor Burke and I will ensure things stick to issues that will help you work through the issues, not get into a donnybrook."

"That works, go ahead set it up, now to the big question what's for lunch" he smiled and kissed her cheek ever so briefly.

Xx

**Kate Beckett Apartment**

**8:00 PM Later that Evening**

Kate had lunch with Lanie, where she did receive some support, along with a harsh dose of; ' I'm gonna smack you, girl what were you thinking, what the hell did you expect, and you have some work to do girl, just saying', the most remarkable things she could remember. At least she did hug her and tell her that she's pulling for them.

She managed to get through the remainder of the day, reading the same report, endlessly, it made about as much sense as the predicament she had put herself in with Rick. She could hardly wait for the clock to hit 5:00 PM, she shut her computer down, and said goodnight to the shocked faces of her team, Kevin Ryan and Javi Esposito.

"What did Lanie say to her Javi, she hasn't been herself all afternoon, she only had one cup of coffee and I think she let it sit and get cold before she dumped it. She's hurting, that's pretty evident"

"You should be a detective, of course, she's hurting, I haven't talked to Lanie yet, she told me later so I'm guessing it went part support, part ass-chewing with the latter getting the lion share. Lanie is pretty defensive of Rick, even to me. I finally found out why, he's given her parent's lifetime free flights from Florida to New York, First Class any time they want to visit. It seemed Lanie mentioned once that money was tight since they both retired and she might not get to see them for the holidays, so Rick stepped in"

"So is that why you're such a dick to him Javi because he could give your girl something to make her and her parents happy if so, you need to go check yourself to see if you got a gold star for not pissing your pull up pants. It's juvenile, at best, you of all people should know how much Lanie counts on her visits from her family."

Javi didn't say a word, but his face turned red, registering what Kevin had just said.

Xx

Kate's cellphone rang just as she completed cleaning her apartment for the third time, you could probably get a food handler permit from any room in her place, she had tried to stay busy doing something, anything to keep from thinking. It was a horrible thought, but as she heard the ring, she thought, good, a body, something to do. God Forbid she was hoping for a murder to keep her mind of Rick.

"Beckett" she chirped into the phone, fully expecting Police Dispatch,

"Kate? This is Doctor Burke; do you have a moment?"

"Eh, yes, Dr. Burke? Is everything OK, I don't ever remember you calling me before, what's wrong?" she rushed out.

"Kate, slow down, take a deep breath, you sound like you're hyperventilating, and nothing is wrong. Are you OK now Kate? May I continue?"

Kate took some deep cleansing breaths, ran her hand upon the collection of Rick's books that had belonged to her mother, and thought calm thoughts, as she replied,

"I'm sorry Doctor Burke, I was expecting a call from Police Dispatch and when it was from you, well I guess I went into a small panic attack, I'm better now, but seriously, I think this is the first time you, well you personally have called me. I've heard from Betty, your receptionist, but why the call if I may be so forward?"

"Well I have been in touch with Dr. Ava Gupta, Mr. Castle's therapist, and it seems like they are willing to do a session via video call, they have commitments that will keep them in or near the Phoenix Arizona area for a few months, so I wanted to hear your thoughts. I know you had hoped to sit down with Mr. Castle, but I'm afraid this is as close as we're going to get for the foreseeable future."

Kate was rattled, she had so hoped much that she could sit down with Rick, even hold him as she plead her case, now she was being told it was going to be via video phone or not at all for at least 2-3 months, God, she couldn't wait that long to hear his voice, at least see him, even if she was going to be with him.

"Why is he avoiding me, Doctor Burke, was it wrong for me to tell him I loved him, what went wrong?"

"Kate, I think you have the answers to your own questions, put yourself in his position, in fact, relate back to when he had to endure you leaving the hospital and not hearing from you at all for three months. He's hurt Kate, you know that and you know why, no one needs to repeat your actions, you need to think how you can convince him that you are still in love with the **NEW** Mr. Castle.

"Perhaps you need to think about that for your own peace, the man you knew pre-explosion is gone, there is a new man in a familiar body. Can you deal with that? Do you still feel the same about him now that he is searching for something to justify to himself his worthiness of being spared from death? He's made it quite clear that things are not going to resume as business as usual, can you adjust to that? Is that what fits into your life plans?

"He's made one thing very clear, he's through with the lies, deceits, mistruths, hiding of facts, in other words, Kate, if you value any hope of any kind of relationship with Mr. Castle, it has to start with your truthful, I'm going to pause for a moment, **TRUTHFUL**, nothing but the truth Kate or you will be a memory. That may sound harsh, but Dr. Gupta and I both have conferred and agree with Mr. Castle's demand for honesty."

"Wait, you and Ava, eh, Dr. Gupta concur that I need to change my approach, who the hell is she to demand anything" Kate's temper flared for a moment before she realized who she was speaking to,

Doctor Burke waited till he could hear her breathing return to normal, "Kate, Dr. Gupta, as you referred to as Ava, has the right to insist you are truthful with her patient just as much as I am with her patient in his responses to you and your questions. You have formed whatever relationship you both have for each other based on mistruths, assumptions, and in some case lies, and misdirected activities.

"We are far beyond the junior high school level where I would expect to see such behaviors, so can we agree going forward, you tell the truth, even if it puts you in a bad position? If you are caught in just one nontruthful statement, the calls end, and from what I understand, so does your relationship with Mr. Castle. I think his direct quote was '**I'm not wasting time investigating everything she says to see if it's truthful or not, I have more important things to do, and so does she**."

Once again Doctor Burke waited for Kate to speak, finally, she said: "It sounds like Rick has had enough over the last few years, I owe him the truth, it's going to hurt like hell, I know sometimes, but he deserves to hear it."

"Is that your official answer Kate?"

"Yes, Doctor Burke, it is."

"Very well tomorrow at 8:00 PM EST, we have our first call, you can dial in from home if your connection speed is fast enough, or if you are more comfortable you can come to the office, I won't be here but will arrange a place of privacy for you."

"Eh, Doctor, I mean, tomorrow, already?"

"Kate, you play cards I know, they're holding all the Aces now, we have to comply or wait another week or possibly two, this isn't Mr. Castle's highest priority if you haven't picked up on that yet. It was made very clear to me that his project and family came ahead of anything"

"Anything Doctor Burke?"

"Yes Kate, Anything, including you, I'm sorry. I'll set the call up, will you be here or at your home?"

"I'll be at home, just send me the meeting information, and I'll be sure to be on the call"

"Kate, please remember what we talked about, **EVERYTHING** we spoke about as you prepare for your call. I'll speak to you tomorrow, and Good Luck Kate."

TBC


	16. Chapter 16

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly completely AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

"_**Wait, you and Ava, eh, Dr. Gupta concur that I need to change my approach, who the hell is she to demand anything" Kate's temper flared for a moment before she realized who she was speaking to, **_

_**Doctor Burke waited till he could hear her breathing return to normal, "Kate, Dr. Gupta, as you referred to as Ava, has the right to insist you are truthful with her patient just as much as I am with her patient in his responses to you and your questions. You have formed whatever relationship you both have for each other based on mistruths, assumptions, and in some case lies, and misdirected activities. **_

"_**We are far beyond the junior high school level where I would expect to see such behaviors, so can we agree going forward, you tell the truth, even if it puts you in a bad position? If you are caught in just one non-truthful statement, the calls end, and from what I understand, so does your relationship with Mr. Castle. I think his direct quote was I'm not wasting time investigating everything she says to see if it's truthful or not, I have more important things to do, and so does she."**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 16**

**Kate Beckett Apartment**

**7:45 PM EST Next Day**

Kate had taken the day off, personal reasons, she had more time off accrued than she cared to think and she wasn't taking the chance of catching a case late that would prevent her from this call, it would seal her fate if it wasn't already. Doctor Burke had given her some information, again, about NDE and what to expect after experiencing such an experience. This time she actually read the material and did some research while she was waiting for the time to dial into the conference call.

If she had bothered to read what had been given to her by the good doctor, she would have understood some of the thoughts she had, new thoughts, needing a purpose, it was all there for her and had been provided. She was too independent, Kate Beckett knew better than some shrinks how to fix her, she needed to get back to work, Work, that was it.

She had always substituted work for anything that was substantial in her life, her Mother's death, her Dad's drinking, Royce, hell he was he savior for over 18 months, it was no wonder she fell in love and yes she was in love with him, even as his wife lay dying, what the hell kind of a person does that?

She interchanged the stream of men and work as substitutes for life goals, for purpose, and now that she had finally fallen deeply in love with someone, she had already been so toxic he would hardly speak to her, at least without his therapist.

Doctor Burk and Doctor Gupta had sent a joint email with the meeting instructions, dial-in number security code, and reminded everyone to adjust their settings to allow sharing and enable video camera on their computers, she had tested those settings with her Dad, and they worked so she was set for that portion.

The email also included the format for the meeting, which at first struck her as a bit rigid, then she thought, these were two professionals billing insurance companies for time and were required for an explanation of services if nothing else.

She knew that as Doctor Burke had said, this was not high on Rick's priority, so he needed a format and a time limit. He had heard countless apologies and even predicted that she would fall into the work trap she always had, a prophecy that proved painfully true as she glanced at his unanswered letters still on the table.

The email also included an agenda, including introductions of each Doctor, then up to 10 minutes for Kate and Rick to give an opening statement, then followed by questions from the other for 15 minutes, then a final conclusion all input, total time of the call one hour. She had worked on her opening statement almost all day, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't put into words what she felt. Rick was the wordsmith, she never had to write anything other than police reports, but this perhaps would determine if she hung on the sliver of hope she had or faced the music, she had killed any hope of a relationship.

She was still editing at 7:56 PM as she dialed the numbers to connect to the meeting, surprised she was the last to join. She could see the list of participants next to their picture on the right side of her screen, and was surprised when she was greeted by Dr. Gupta, her picture also appeared larger and in the center of the screen.

"Good Evening Kate, may I call you Kate, I'm Doctor Ava Gupta and I'm Rick's therapist working alongside Dr. Burke to bring you and him to a mutual point, either continue with a relationship or proceed on your separate ways.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but after conferring with Dr. Burke we both feel we have reached the time where this is in the best interest of you both. From what I understand this has been going on for at least 3 years for you Kate, and well we'll cover Rick's perception in just a bit. Is this a fair assessment Detective?"

"Yes, it seems fair, and you can call me Kate if fact I'm glad you are."

"Good evening" as Doctor Burkes picture goes into the mode and his camera feed is live, as he is speaking it's like he was in the next room. Good Evening Kate, Mr. Castle, I'm Doctor Carter Burke, I'm Kate's therapist and will be working with Dr. Gupta, whose camera needs to be turned on, Ava, please,"

"Laughter was heard then Ava appeared as she said, "I'm sorry, I had it turned on but I keep a posted note over the camera, to avoid embarrassing calls, so forgive me."

From the live feed Kate could tell that Ava was with Rick, side by side, it appeared they were using a desktop with a huge screen, typical Rick, she thought, and smiled.

Next was Rick "good evening all, I think everyone knows who I am, but for the record and recording, my name is Rick Castle, Dr. Ava Gupta is my therapist."

Finally, it was Kate's turn, she fumbled a bit, but took her microphone off mute, and spoke clearly "Good evening, like Rick said I think everyone knows me but I'm Kate Beckett, and Doctor Burke is my therapist."

Ava spoke up, she seemed to be the moderator of the call, and said, "Great, now we'll move to the opening statements for Rick and Kate, would you go first Kate, just a reminder time limit is ten minutes, thanks" as she muted her mic, and allowed Kate to speak.

"_Good evening everyone, _

"_Rick, I know you are probably expecting to hear me pleading for forgiveness, giving all the excuses in the world I could come up with to justify behavior that is unforgivable but I won't. You even predicted I would allow work to come between a friendship I begged for, and you, reluctantly agreed to with conditions, knowing what I didn't, I wouldn't keep a promise. You knew me better than I knew myself, and for not keeping promises I will ask forgiveness,_

"_I worked on this opening all day, Rick you're the Wordsmith, I write reports about dead people, so if this sounds like a report of a homicide, perhaps it is. I seemed to have killed any hope of being in your life and I stand here with the gun still smoking in my hand, guilty as charged. I can't plead innocence since I have finally come to realize that I am guilty, of this and so much more. _

"_I'm guilty of misleading you with flirtations, I'm guilty of pushing you away and hurting you by parading other men in front of you, I'm guilty of being jealous, and even perhaps sabotaging your relationships with other women. _

"_Those are my misdemeanors, Rick, the felonies come next, I'm guilty of lies, first when I told you I never read your books, you're my favorite author and have been since my mother died, somehow you kept the bond between her and me alive, and for that, I apologize. Your words mean so much to so many people, and I almost, if I haven't have cheated others out of your books, I apologize for that, no words can say how sorry I am for not recognizing that you heal more people in more ways than any surgeon._

"_My next lie was to protect me, not you, I told you I was working when in truth I was afraid, afraid that after all these years you had climbed the walls I had erected, afraid to care, afraid I wasn't worthy of love until I earned it by bringing justice to my mother._

"_You worked hard, so very hard to get me to see and understand that my Mom wouldn't want me to be living my life this way, and you were right. Will, Deming, Josh, all meant nothing Rick, they were diversions to keep me from thinking about you and the truth. The truth, I can hear the smiles from you even from this distance, Kate and the Truth just don't seem to fit into the same sentence. I deserve that, more so, I earned it, I'm sorry to say. _

"_The biggest felony I committed was after I was shot, your three words, I love you, I love you, Kate, pulled me through my own NDE, although unlike you I was too stubborn to accept it for what it was, a life-changing event I should build on, not tear down. For that entire period that I hurt you, I made you wait, I deserve to hurt three times as long. All you have ever done is show me, love, all I have ever done is hurt you._

"_I finally read some of the NDE materials that I was given by Doctor Burke, and I understand now how you changed and why. I should have enlisted your help to go after my goal once we were back on speaking terms, once again, I plead guilty to those events that hurt you. Not only you Rick, but Alexis, Martha, Gina, and any other person in your life who loved you, I hurt, for that please forgive me, if not now perhaps in time. _

"_I'm here in this meeting fighting with every ounce I have left to earn an opportunity to show you, the words are over, my actions will show you how I feel. I know you don't believe me, you have no reason to, but I will challenge you, asked me to do something Rick, anything that will prove to you that I love you more than anything in this world, and watch me do what you always did for me, deliver it with a smile and love in your heart._

"_My time is almost up, but there is one thing more that needs to be said, Ava, I want you to know, I never knew Josh Davidson was engaged when I met him, he lied to me and I should have had him verified, I didn't and I hurt you, Rick, and eventually myself, so please know it wasn't done deliberately, it was a stupid act by a desperate woman who was in love with someone else and used him as a substitute, I'm so sorry, for that, so please forgive me, _

"_Now I see my time is up, and I wanted to thank you, Rick, for taking this call, and the ball is in your court now, challenge me, if you want my love, I'll prove it to you." _

_Tears fell from her eyes as she hit her mute button, _

Ava turned to Rick, who had a look of puzzlement on his face, who was this woman, her voice sounded like Kate, but the words, well they were still words. Ava leaned in and squeezed his hand as she kissed his cheek and whispered, "you got this Rick, just talk from the heart, OK?"

"_Thanks, Kate, for not only a wonderful message, for sticking within the scheduled time, and most of all, for your heartfelt personal apology, you actually did me a huge favor, but I appreciate the apology. It's not your place, it seemed like we were both victims, so we'll just let it go as someone we used to know" Ava smiled, and Kate felt the relief surge through her, round one was over, and she hadn't made a total Ass out of herself, well not yet"_

_Rick's picture flashed, then the live feed of him and Ava sitting side by side, much closer than Kate would like, but she had no say, he was, as Dr. Burke said, holding the aces in this hand._

"_Kate, thank you for the explanation, and for spending from what I know and remember about you, a great deal of effort to get your words in a very powerful statement, I heard each one, Thank You._

"_You mentioned a few things that I think I need to address, first you said you begged to renew our friendship, and I knew before you that you wouldn't keep your promise, well Kate Roy and I talked before he passed. He told me that you found peace the only way you could, crawling into cases where you could provide something you and your Dad were denied, closure, and justice._

"_Please believe me, I was hoping that after my experience in surgeries, I meant more to you, you certainly sounded as If I did when we finally talked. I do apologize for making things as difficult as I did for you, but please understand I was confused, going from one extreme to having you profess your love for me was shocking._

"_If I was rude, I will say, please forgive me. I think you know me well enough to know my feelings, I did little if anything to hide them, but I always came up short. When did that change? When did you realize it was me you loved? _

"_I have to deal with a lot of feelings now, some I am proud of, many I am not. I know that's confusing to you, hell it's confusing to me, but I know I can't go back to the way things were with us, or more importantly, my life. _

"_I fully intended to step away for a summer, finish the Heat Books, then return in the fall and phase my participation out, to give you the space I thought you wanted, demanded from your actions with the Robbery Detective. Things were awful when I did return not only from you but everyone. Hell, Ryan almost shot me, at times I wished he had because of Josh, the magnificent one, the holy creator. I thought, wondered, how you could be so cruel, now I know it's just you. Then things got better, or at least I thought they did. Now, as I endure the playbacks of my life caused by the NDE, I see I followed the same pattern I was followed all the previous years._

"_I never went to the bank with Mother thinking I would be on death's doorstep not once but three times. The pain and suffering I went through, and I must say Thank You for being there the first night until Mother and Alexis could arrive, I know of your fear of hospitals, so it meant a lot to me. I thought I heard things, then when I awoke you went from wanting to shoot me to kissing me, it scared the hell out of me if I'm being truthful._

"_The presence of what I had hoped for, dreamed for so long was like healing tonic to me, but you had returned to work, then you went back to Detective mode, but Castle wasn't prepared, or healthy enough to be by your side. You did what you always do Kate, you really proved you don't need a partner, much less an author stumbling around you. You proved you didn't need anyone, but worse, you proved you didn't want anyone in your life, no matter what your words said, your actions told the truth._

"_I really found meaning in that old saying better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all. I totally disagree, you gave me a glimpse of what or how things could be, then you snatched it back, perhaps the cruelest thing, even crueler than the words, put-downs, antics to embarrass me, and other humiliations I endured just to spend a few hours with you, always on the outside looking in till then, and then it was gone again._

"_You said you understand the changes in me, I'm glad you do because even with one of the most renown experts in the field sitting next to me, I still haven't a clue, other than I can't go back to the way things were, I won't go back. You also said you had your own NDE, I don't doubt it, although it is convenient to announce it on this call, perhaps the doctors could confer after you have had time to meet with Dr. Burke. I know I'm not the one who can help you with that_

"_You said to challenge you to anything to prove you, love, it's too early for that Kate, and if I'm being truthful, I don't know what or where I want to go, Ava, I mean Dr. Gupta is working with me trying to figure out just what that is. Alexis is also helping but ultimately, I have to decide what do I want to do now that I've grown up, and it's scary. Ava and I are in Phoenix working on a new project called A New Horizon but is it my calling, I don't know._

"_One question that always comes up, in therapy, in conversations with family, always comes back to one word, WHY? Why Kate, why did you treat me this way, why did you give me a sample of your love, you declared us as a couple, then went back to the old you. Why is it always me who gets what's left of your time, or your energy, of you? Lastly, WHY would I want to settle for that? WHY NOW KATE?_

"_With that, my time is almost up, thanks to both doctors and to you for making this call, I hope we both can get answers to questions we both seek" the feed of him and Ava sitting together disappear as he hit his mute button,_

Ava's feed comes back on, there she is next to Rick almost consoling him patting his hand as he is visibly upset,

"Well this concludes our first joint session, I think we gleaned a lot of information, I want to discuss with Doctor Burke to consider his feelings and then we will present next steps, Thanks All, Goodbye from Phoenix,

The line goes dead, the screen is blank as is Kate's expectation that she will ever be back in Rick's heart. Some wounds never heal, maybe this is one of them.


	17. Chapter 17

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly wholly AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

_**"I never went to the bank with Mother thinking I would be on death's doorstep not once but three times. The pain and suffering I went through, and I must say Thank You for being there the first night until Mother and Alexis could arrive, I know of your fear of hospitals, so it meant a lot to me. I thought I heard things, then when I awoke you went from wanting to shoot me to kissing me, it scared the hell out of me if I'm being truthful.**_

_**"The presence of what I had hoped for, dreamed for so long was like healing tonic to me, but you had returned to work, then you went back to Detective mode, but Castle wasn't prepared, or healthy enough to be by your side. You did what you always do Kate, you really proved you don't need a partner, much less an author stumbling around you. You proved you didn't need anyone, but worse, you proved you didn't want anyone in your life, no matter what your words said, your actions told the story.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 17**

**Phoenix Az, Same Night**

Rick and Ava entered the limo, Rick had been very quiet since the call, and Ava was concerned that he was beating himself up for being firm with Kate, finally asking the question WHY, and WHY NOW. It was true she may never be able to answer them, but she needed to at least understand the signs she ignored, especially now that she had professed to her own NDE, to form a relationship built on truth. She noticed the limo was headed in a different direction than they normally took to the hotel,

"Rick, is this a new driver? I think we're going the wrong way to the hotel"

"No, Duane has been with me for years, you're right, we're going someplace else."

"Rick? You mind explaining yourself, I really don't feel like going out to dinner, I was counting on just a quiet night in, after a hot bath."

"We'll be there shortly, and I hope you won't be disappointed," and that was all she could get out of him until the town car turned into a luxurious neighborhood pressed the code to open into the gated community and a few minutes later pulled into the long driveway on S Rockhill Road, and stopped the car.

"Rick?"

"Welcome to the new office of A New Horizon, oh, and it's got 9 bedrooms so we're not staying at the hotel unless you want to." He smiled,

She gasped and held her breath as he handed her a set of keys, to enter the home. It was absolutely beautiful, but what sold her, as well as Rick was the split floor plan, there were two large bedrooms to the left, then the living, dining, den, breakfast nook and other rooms separated the other bedrooms. The larger two rooms would work wonderfully as the office space, and both sides had huge glass sliders leading to a huge pool, veranda area all screened in and beautifully landscaped. The hot tub spilled over into the pool, and the lighting was spectacular.

"Rick, when did you buy this, or did you lease it?

"No, I bought it yesterday, I had my personal shopper go shopping for you, your room is to the right third door, see how well she met your tastes,"

"You didn't Rick, Oh my God, Why?"

Because we both work better in a relaxed setting and when we have meetings, nothing draws money from people who have it, than those they think have more than them" he laughed,

Ava went into her room, and there were clothes, shoes, intimates, everything she would need, and all in her taste, there wasn't one article that she wouldn't have purchased. She quickly changed into her bathing suit, it was sexy but not slutty and had a variety of coverups allowing her to show as much or little skin as she pleased.

When she came back out, Rick had the wine already breathing and had changed into cargo shorts and sandals with a pullover shirt. They went to the veranda, and there she saw the man had their first meal catered, with all of her favorite dishes, he was too much, far too giving, and she really had to watch herself, professionally. It would be an easy slip into something more personal than professional conduct codes would allow.

"You look fantastic Ava; I trust everything was to your taste"

"Rick, you really know how to spoil those you love, I mean Thank You", as she blushed, perhaps the first crack in her professional armor that had been shown.

"Ava, did I overstep, I apologize if I did, all I wanted to do was make you happy and comfortable, the work we are doing is important and I need you, you're my right arm. IF I overstepped, I apologize,"

Ava walked over to him, pulled him into a hug, she didn't dare look into his eyes or she would have crossed over the line, "Rick, you didn't overstep, but I almost did, I almost forgot our relationship, here and lost my professionalism, you're just so damn lovable."

"I'm sorry Ava, I didn't mea*" This time she did silence him with a look into his eyes, showing more of the woman than a therapist, she knew it was wrong, but she didn't care. To his credit, he enjoyed her eye sex for a moment, then pulled back,

"Ava, I'm not him, and I know you're not her, don't throw everything you've worked for away. I don't believe I'm saying this, but if things were different, I would take you to my room and devour you for days, but we both know the guilt would kill us both, so I love you, but I think I need a shower"

He turned, and she called out

"Rick, I'm sorry, you're right, I'm, I'm"

He turned held her in his arms and finished her statement, you're a beautiful woman who deserves someone who will love her without reservation, and he will come along, I know he will, but I need to know,"

She looked up at him through her tears, "Yes, Rick, what is it?"

"Will you still be my partner in this, I promise I won't let it get this close again, it's my fault and I am so sorry."

A smile crossed her lips, as she threw him into the pool, when he surfaced, she said, "Of course, and forgive me, I was being human for a moment and just imagining having someone like you, I need to keep those thoughts out of our relationship, so Thank You, Rick"

Rick laughed but got his revenge with a bucket of ice water just as she was coming out of the hot tub about thirty minutes later, making the water seem even colder. They were back to two best friends, avoiding professional disaster for Ava, and a lifetime of guilt for Rick.

Xx

**Kate Beckett's Apartment**

**Immediately following the call, still connected to Doctor Burke,**

"Thanks for staying on the line Kate, I wanted to review the call, while it was still fresh in our minds if you don't object."

"That's fine Doctor Burke, I was surprised that Dr. Gupta ended the call as abruptly as she did, I thought I would have a chance to ask questions, at least according to the agenda,"

"I knew that would bother you Kate, Dr. Gupta and I spoke on a private line, Rick was getting upset, perhaps to the point where it would have been counterproductive, so we both agreed we should end the call. We had been on the call almost 51 minutes so it wasn't as abrupt as you think,"

"But I wanted, I needed to talk to him Doctor, and"

"Kate, talking to him when he is upset won't accomplish what you want, so please trust us, we are working to allow Rick to absorb what he heard, then decide the next steps. Your statement was very eloquent, and I think threw the ball right back into his court. He has to decide now, is the love he had for you deep and strong enough to as you say issue you a challenge.

"I must warn you, Kate, you really put yourself out there, if his challenge is something you don't want to do, it will only reinforce the thoughts he has that he will never come first in your life. Are you prepared for that, somethings he could ask for would be for you to leave the Police Force, or abandon your search for your mother's killer, you are aware of that aren't you?"

"Doctor Burke, I have considered everything, even those scenarios and if that will prove to Rick, he's my first priority, then it's done. I've chased so many killers, solved so many cases, that I ignored the only man who loved me at my very worst, God only knows why, but I'm thankful that he did. I am serious, whatever he wants I will do, no questions asked.

"I guess reading the NDE materials, finally, I can see where he feels like he needs to do something majestic, what he doesn't realize is that he's been doing it his entire life. The list of charities that Rick supports exceeds 100, the rough amount of money he donates to so many different causes is in excess of one million dollars per year, he doesn't need to do anything more but be him, I think I can convince him if he'll let me."

"Do you think that would change his mind, Kate, as far as what he needs to do? I mean his book is scheduled to come out in two months and all proceeds are going to his **A New Horizon** project, which according to all I've spoken to is being met with open arms with not only government but private industries in Phoenix. More than 100 business have signed up to partner with the organization to provide work assistance programs, it seems like he's already made a huge impact"

"I know Doctor Burke, but he doesn't realize just how many readers he has, readers just like me that found something in his words that made me keep going when the days seemed like they would never end, the sadness never be lifted. I would read his books, and the characters came to life, all had one thing in common, good won over evil, even if it took time, good wins over bad and there's always a reason you can find to keep going."

Doctor Burke paused for a moment, "Kate did you read that from the materials or is that how you really feel?"

"It's how I feel, I mean the materials helped me understand WHY Rick thinks he needs to do something with his life, God knows I put him down enough, it's no wonder he has such a low opinion of himself. He's truthfully insecure and the bravado he displays is a front to keep him from getting hurt. I talked to Kyra Blaine who was his first heartbreak when she was involved in one of our cases, she let me in on some things. I won't repeat them, for privacy's sake, but she was very honest about how sensitive Rick really is. I'm sure that's why the hurt is so deep for him"

"Kate have you ever just talked to Mr. Castle, just like you talked to me? I mean if you did, it would relieve his fears that he's hiding something from you, and that once you peeled back the outer layer you won't like what you see and break his heart again. Are you sure he doesn't know how deeply you know of his previous hurt?"

"I'm positive Doctor, Kyra was talking to me about regrets, and even though she was in love with her husband to be, they were here for the wedding, she never got over Rick. She told me the hurt she caused, almost destroyed him, and that I was following the same path. We had some conversations then, and I asked her what caused the breakup, she told me without hesitation she allowed her mother to manipulate her, and cost her the love of her life.

I asked her if she hadn't tried to contact Rick, we both knew how forgiving he is, and she responded that she wrote three letters, all returned unopened, with a woman's handwriting across them, Moved, no forwarding address. Martha hated her for the hurt she watched her only child endure, and just as her mother protected her, Martha had done the same for Rick. She knew that Rick would never choose her over Martha, so she lived with her mistake until she met Gregg, and finally fell in love, knowing she would never have the chance she wanted with Rick."

"Mr. Castle has no knowledge of this I take it,"

"That's correct, Kyra swore me to secrecy but I thought it would be appropriate now, since he's mentioned his life, repeating mistakes and making use of the second chance he was given. He doesn't know just how much I understand him, I never told him that I have loved him since our second case together. When I saw him in the bank, my world ended, if he hadn't made it, I would have never recovered, regardless of how much he may hate me now."

"Kate, do you really think Mr. Castle hates you or is this a defense mechanism to shield him from more hurt? Remember this is a man who has seen his life end, just as you did briefly, but he had three occurrences, and it has impacted him deeply.

"I spoke to Ava before the call, he's making progress but still has bouts of depression, something she is working with him to combat. Has he always been the first to say I'm sorry in your dealings? She mentioned that he seemed to apologize for everything regardless of if it were his fault or if he had any control over it."

Tears filled Kate's voice as she replied, "I never said I'm sorry until I thought I had lost him, he was always the one to apologize, and I didn't realize it but Ava is right, he does take the blame for everyone and everything, even his divorces. I hadn't checked before he was hurt, but he was the victim in both cases, but to hear him speak of it, he was the party at fault."

"Well, I think I have what I need, I'm going to speak to Ava, and see if we can get the follow-up call scheduled as soon as possible, of course it will depend upon how Mr. Castle is dealing with the first call, your statement actually surprised even me. If you were sincere, I see hope for this relationship for the first time, give me some time to speak to Ava and I will get back to you,"

"Thanks Doctor Burke, I want Rick to be happy, I would love that to be with me, but if there's someone else, if he's moved on, then as much as it hurts, I'll step aside. Kyra cried when she told me that if she couldn't have him, she wished us both love and luck. She told me something back then I never thought that I would ever need to concern myself with, 'If I loved him to tell him, he's fragile', I didn't listen and she was right. I know now that if I had pulled half of what I did with Rick with anyone else, I would have been a memory. I'm afraid I am that to him now, I can only hope I'm not too late."

"Kate for two intelligent individuals you and Mr. Castle make some of the most ignorant choices I have ever witnessed, your assignment, is to call him, not tomorrow, tonight and talk to him as you just did me. I would suggest you leave Ms. Blaine out of the conversation, but tell him what you just communicated to him. Be prepared, he may come back with a challenge, if you're not ready to accept it, then you need to think about phase two of your life."

"Doctor Burke, what if he's not ready yet?"

"If he's not ready now, he never will be. He would never have agreed to the call if he didn't want some of the same things you do, he's afraid of the hurt. I'm going to call Ava and tell her to be close, just in case, so will you call him?"

Kate's whole body shook with fear, but after a few tries, a very shaky "Yes, Dr. Burke I'll call him tonight, thanks and good night"

She trembled but jotted quickly down the points she had made with Doctor Burke, took a glass of wine to steady her nerves and dialed a number she knew from heart, hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.

The phone rang three times, then she heard the baritone voice she missed so much,

"Rick Castle"

TBC


	18. Chapter 18

**Life Reassessment**

**by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Cops and Robbers, except Rick is injured protecting Martha and Bank Teller Simone. It starts with Canon dialog, goes quickly wholly AU. No dinner, no boasts of who saved who, and twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously**_

"_**Thanks, Doctor Burke, I want Rick to be happy, I would love that to be with me, but if there's someone else, if he's moved on, then as much as it hurts, I'll step aside. Kyra cried when she told me that if she couldn't have him, she wished us both love and luck. She told me something back then I never thought that I would ever need to concern myself with, 'If I loved him tell him, he's fragile', I didn't listen and she was right. I know now that if I had pulled half of what I did with Rick with anyone else, I would have been a memory. I'm afraid I am that to him now, I can only hope I'm not too late."**_

"_**Kate for two intelligent individuals you and Mr. Castle make some of the most ignorant choices I have ever witnessed, your assignment, is to call him, not tomorrow, tonight and talk to him as you just did me. I would suggest you leave Ms. Blaine out of the conversation, but tell him what you just communicated to him. Be prepared, he may come back with a challenge, if you're not ready to accept it, then you need to think about phase two of your life."**_

"_**Doctor Burke, what if he's not ready yet?"**_

"_**If he's not ready now, he never will be. He would never have agreed to the call if he didn't want some of the same things you do, he's afraid of the hurt. I'm going to call Ava and tell her to be close, just in case, so will you call him?"**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 18**

**Kate Beckett's Apartment**

**10:00 PM EST**

She trembled but jotted quickly down the points she had made with Doctor Burke, took a glass of wine to steady her nerves and dialed a number she knew from heart, hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.

The phone rang three times, then she heard the baritone voice she missed so much,

"Rick Castle"

She paused, trying to get her voice, then she heard,

"This is Castle, anyone there?"

Then in a weak tiny voice, he heard

"Rick, it's Kate, please don't hang up, and yes the therapists know I'm calling you." He glanced around and Ava was pulling the door shut for his privacy, as she smiled and motioned for him to talk, so Kate must be telling the truth.

"Hi Kate, I mean didn't we just speak, I'm a little confused."

"Rick, we heard each other's voice but you and I haven't spoken in what seems forever, it's my fault I know but, hey this evening when you heard what I said, do you believe me?"

"Kate, I want to, I really do, but I've been let down so many times, I don't know how many more times this heart can break and recover, you hurt me worse than anyone ever has, including two ex-wives."

"I know Rick, and I will make it up to you I promise, I know that it wasn't your fault with Meredith or Gina, it sure as hell wasn't your fault with us. I barely gave you time to open your eyes before I declared an us, not even taking into consideration that perhaps I was too late, I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for many things, most I've apologized for, but this call isn't for that reason. I asked you to challenge me to anything that would let me prove to you that I love you more than life, anything Rick."

"Kate, really I mean that's an ask that wouldn't be fair to you, I know what your Mom's case means*"

"Rick, Please, ask, don't try to put my answers into your mind before you ask, please. I love you, you'll never know just how much if you keep giving me outs, ask your request, Rick"

"OK, Kate, would you be willing to give up your Mom's case to concentrate on an us, a true us. Please know that when I say that, I want it all, the wedding the kids, the white picket fence so there's no confusion. I know that's a lot to ask, and I'm not suggesting we move in with each other tomorrow, but I need to know there's a goal we can reach." He paused, considering the answer he was going to get, but wasn't expecting to hear,

"Rick, it's done, I called Jordan last week, I sent her all the files, including the thumb drive we found in your sport coat from a Mr. Smith, whoever that was, anyway Rick, I've stopped already, will you, because I need you home with me every night as well. If it's too dangerous for me Babe, it's too dangerous for you. One rule here, no more lies, not from me to you, or vice versa. You don't get to hold things from me in order to protect me, agree?"

"Kate, I'm sorry, I mean I was, but you're right I was trying to protect you, but you're correct, what's good for one is good for the other, I'm sorry please forgive me." He asked sincerely,

"I'm not asking for any apologies, I'm not interested in keeping score who was right, who was wrong, I just want you to know that I admire you, the work you are doing with A New Horizon is fantastic, BUT Babe, you don't know how fantastic you always were. I fell in love with your books right after Mom was killed, it was the last connection to her, and Rick you would have loved her. She tried to get me to read them for years, you were her favorite author.

"When I read your words, Mom sometimes would add a footnote of her own to a page or passage, and when I saw those, I was right back there with her. After I read one of your books, I understood why Mom loved them, you offered hope to every reader that no matter how bad things got, good always won over evil. I lost that message somewhere along the way.

"When I saw you laying in the bank with the steel frame sticking out of your neck, I grabbed your head and tried my best to stop the blood, I really prayed Rick, the first time since Mom died. I was so angry at God, then I asked him to spare you, he owed me one of the loves of my life, and I prayed all the way to the hospital. I almost had a panic attack in the ambulance but I kept it together and held your hand, I kept telling you to fight, for Martha, for Alexis, but most of all for me, I love you, Babe, Fight for us all"

"You really said those words, Kate, I thought I was dreaming them, I remember voices, then blackness, then, well it's not important, I mean I'm here your prayers were answered, Kate. Is there anything else you're holding back from me?"

"Is that another request Rick?"

"I guess it is, what else should I know before we can get to as you say a real US.?"

"Well, when we worked Kyra Blaine's case you were right, I was jealous, you knew that. You didn't know that Kyra and I met for lunch and she told me the story how she screwed up, she begged me to treat your heart as fragile, since you loved so deeply, you hurt as deep.

"She knew Rick, she told me that when you looked at me, it made her remember when she was your world, and even though she loved Gregg, but she never got over you and knew she had made the biggest mistake of her life. She made me promise that if as she put it one of us ever got our head out of our ass and made a move that I would treat you right, I'm sorry I failed that promise as well."

"I'm sorry, WAIT, you and Kyra, you had lunch and the topic was me? I never got over the hurt from her, but I forgave her since I knew it was her mother who manipulated her, but you and her, talking? Wow, guess I need a minute to think about that."

"I know Rick, I was shocked when she called, but she told me some of the things that made you so special, and I know you may think your NDE makes you obligated to do more, but Babe, if anything it might mean to just let yourself be loved for you, not some façade the publishers are pushing.

"What can I do Rick, ask me Babe, I want to hold you, I want to start making up for all of the lonely nights I have had, and all the hurt I caused you, but, IF you and Ava are in love, or if there is someone else, please tell me, I'll back off", she struggled but tears still crept into her voice.

"Kate, do you honestly think that I could give my heart to anyone when it wasn't even here. I love Ava, but not the way you think, she put it best, someday I won't need a therapist, but I'll always need a friend, and that's what she is Kate, nothing more but my best friend now. I do have another ASK, now that you raised the topic,"

"Name it Rick, I promised you and this time I'm not going to fail you."

"Would you fly out to Phoenix and meet with Ava and me; it might require some time off from the force"

"Rick, why don't you ask me what you really want to know?"

"Damn, you still have it, OK, would you ever consider leaving the force and working in my company, you won't be a kept woman you will have a real job, with real responsibilities,"

"You asked would I consider it, that answer is Yes I would, but I still don't think you asked the question you really wanted to, go ahead Rick, ask it"

"Kate, would you leave the force and work for me, I worry about you day and night, and as you said, I've been through hell seeing you injured, shot, and hospitalized, I don't know if I can take it if something happened to you after we worked so hard to come together."

"Rick you want me to work for you, or do you want us to be a real US, Babe, ask the question you really want. Oh, by the way, I tenured my resignation tonight after our call with Dr. Burke and Gupta, I was coming to see you if you would have me, regardless, so please Rick, ask the question."

"Kate, would you come out to Phoenix and work with us on this project, I just bought our office, well house but there are 9 bedrooms and Ava has her own suite, so would we, if I can entice you to come to me."

"I'm checking flights now so the answer is YES"

"Kate, don't check flights, just call this number, ask for Janet, and tell her to call me, she'll file a flight plan and tell you when you take off, but start packing she's really fast."

"Rick do you believe me now, I love you, I have for years, and Babe, this time it's going to work, whatever you do, wherever you go, I'm with you", as she burst into tears,

"Kate, thank you, I don't think I would have had the strength to call you if I had been treated so badly, please forgive me, but can you get your ass off the phone and on a plane to me, please, I missed you so much as well, oh Kate, I love you more than life itself as well, just to clear that up"

Kate's landline started ringing, "What the hell, no one calls that number,"

"It's Janet, I couldn't say goodbye until I knew you were on the phone and really coming, I love you and I'll see you soon, Good Night Kate, till tomorrow,"

"Good night Rick, till tomorrow is right, Babe, I love you,"

Xx

Rick had been right; Janet filed the flight plan and she was being picked up by the car service in less than an hour. She barely had time to call her Dad and a quick call to Lanie, then pack. She had no idea what she would need so she packed two bags, figuring if she didn't have it, she'd buy it. The car ride to the airport reignited her excitement, she would be with him, working on a true US, in a few hours.

As she walked up the ramp to the private Jet, a lovely lady, perhaps in her late 30's appeared and welcomed her,

"Hi, you must be Kate, I'm Janet. I've been with Rick for almost ten years now, and he loves surprising me with last-minute arrangements."

"Hi Janet, thank you, you've been with Rick for ten years, and I haven't seen you and he plastered on page six anytime in the last few years? That's a surprise, I mean you're an attractive lady, definitely Rick's type."

Janet laughed, very hard, trying to hold back to be polite, but she finally just gave in and laughed even harder. Out of the cockpit came another lady, slightly shorter, perhaps 5 years younger but definitely well assembled and in Rick's taste.

"Hi Kate, I'm Trey, it's short for something longer but I don't even remember anymore, I'm Janet's partner if you know what I mean."

Kate was approaching her seat when she turned and had the look on her face, with both Janet and Trey nodding yes, "Yep partners Kate, so Rick knew no matter how sexy he was, no way was he getting to swim in these waters" Trey laughed.

Kate smiled, so that was his secret why he always said he never mixed work with pleasure, except once with Gina and look at that mess, she understood now.

"How did you get to know Rick, I mean I'm sure he's traveled the world over but to be honest, I never knew he had his own plane until last year"

"Well, we met some years ago, I was a pilot in the Navy, and Rick hired me once I was discharged and was hitting all of the obstacles of being first a woman, secondly gay, and third, someone that wouldn't sleep with the boss, even putting my preferences aside. To many, not mentioning names, it was just expected that it was part of the job. just other maintenance than on the plane."

"I'm sorry to hear that, I'm a woman in a man's world, and although I've had some experiences with the pigs, I'm sure not as many as you have. I'm glad Rick found you."

"Oh, I found him, I was desperate, almost living on the street, and I was introduced to him by a young councilman, you might know him, he goes by Mr. Mayor now"

"You're the badass Navy Pilot he talks about, well small world. Trey, how did you come into this partnership if I may ask?"

"Rick introduced us, in fact he fired Janet's co-pilot Bob for some crude behavior, and hired me the same day. Rick is always on our side, and no matter what anyone says, that man has a heart of gold"

"Don't I know that he's so loving*"

"Kate, can I tell you something, woman to woman?" Janet wasn't smiling anymore, but had a serious look on her face,

"Sure Janet, I wish you would"

"He's been in love with you for years now, all we've heard is Beckett, or Kate, or sometimes when he was upset with you That Detective, but he loves you, more than I've seen anyone love anyone before"

"Thanks Janet, I love him too, I resigned my job, told my Dad I would see him whenever, and I am running into his open arms for as long as he will have me. I almost lost him to that damn bomb, I've wasted so much time, but I plan on making up for it."

Janet and Trey both smiled, Trey wiped tears from Janet's eyes, "She loves him just a little less than she loves me, but in a different way" Trey smiled

"Yeah, I'm slow, but I'm figuring it out now that there's different types of loves. Rick said something about reassessing his life after his near-death experience, and I guess I've done the same. I can see what matters to me now, and all the other things I held so important were just in my way of true happiness. I'm not leaving him ladies, not until he makes me. I know now what True Love Waits means."

Kate was engulfed in a group hug, then Janet pulled back, her eyes still full of tears,

"We better get this show on the road Trey, but Kate, please love him as he loves you, he's been hurt so much he deserves a happily ever after"

"That's what I'm planning Janet, thank you, now can you get me to him, I ache for his touch"

"TMI Kate, but we'll have you there in a few hours, enjoy the flight," Janet laughed, and closed the cockpit door, silver wings were in-flight moments later, and Kate was still pinching herself. She would be in his arms in hours, she couldn't wait.

**The End**

_**A/N I like to allow the reader to build what they think would come next. I think the only thing missing between this couple like so many in real life, is the art of communication, not talking, communicating and be willing to compromise. I hope you enjoyed this saga, thanks for the comments and feedback. It is open for perhaps a sequel if there is enough interest. From my family to yours our very best wishes for a great Holiday Season, no matter how or if you celebrate, my gift is your interest in the words my fingers pound out some late nights, so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. - Tim**_


End file.
